I skimmed through the first few chapters. Don't worry about it. It's probably not the most violent erotica I've read even today. I've certainly written worse. The constant references to the characters' ages, especially the main girl who "just turned 18", are a lot riskier in terms of appropriateness than some painful and dominating sex. Given her enthusiasm, it's not even non-consensual in any sense until she passes out.
Hi! I read through your branch last night, as I think you noticed. I really enjoyed the story, especially the first half or so. The sex was nice and rough and your descriptions are delightfully filthy. I have 2 small points of criticism: 1) There's a lot of GLUCK GLUCK GLUCK at a few points, especially early on. A few is great, maybe even a whole line if the going is particularly tough (for the throatslut, that is), but I think paragraphs worth is overkill. 2) It got a little repetitive between chapters 24 and 28. I think you realized it yourself, as well, as you stop describing the sex acts in as much detail as before. Maybe in real life you'd never get tired of throatfucking some helpless slut, but in a story you need a bit of novelty every now and again. So I really enjoyed your decision to impregnant Claire. Though she was totally willing, it still pushed the envelope of what is expected in the story. One problem I always have with stories like "a universe in which <taboo thing> is totally normal!" is that it destroys the taboo. If I'm reading a story in which, say, it's entirely normal for brothers to fuck their sisters, then the characters will be totally laid back about it, and it just becomes a story about 2 people fucking. It makes it really hard to preserve the excitement of violating the taboo, because no in-universer taboo is actually being violated. If you're open to suggestions, mine would be to look for the hidden rules in Blowjob Universe and see if you can find a way to bend or even break them. Make the other characters outraged that you would dare something like that... but helpless to stop you. The scenes with the (I think nameless? Nice touch!) Asian girl do this extremely well. Some random examples: force a woman to come home with you, or pimp out a woman to random strangers in the street, or involve a trans woman, or play around with incest. The possibilities are endless.
If that's what you're into, and you're happy with it, then that's all that matters. I've given quite a bit of feedback over the years (though mostly on technical writing, not fiction), and I believe the role of a reviewer is to point things out and then to step back and let the author write it the way they want to. Sometimes they agree with me, sometimes not, but as long as they've given it thought, it's a-ok. <3 I enjoyed Ashley actually! I don't know, maybe that contradicts my last post, but I thought it was hot how much she was into it. Oh, for sure, I was just giving examples. It's way more fun and the end result will be faaaar better if you write what you like, than if you force yourself to write things you're not into.
Dude, I loved your writing so fucking much. Big fan ! Honestly, I've seen my fair share of erotica and smut and I've commissioned quite a lot of pieces and it's really rare to encounter writers who actually give this level of details to scenes. Usually they shy away from it or don't go far enough in the filth. It's smut, FFS! They should follow your example. Speaking of smut writing, you're definitely top tier. I look forward to reading more of your stuff. And if you ever want to collaborate on stuff (commissions for example), hit me up. =) Stay awesome, Hop
This story almost seems like an exercise in writing purple prose for smut. Like writing 100 bloody violent scenes of Conan chopping enemies to bits and reveling in the blood and gore, cracking open their skulls and scooping out their brains and snapping a femur and sucking the bone merrow. It's over the top because we want it to be. I like some of this thrown into my stories, and you clearly are good at it, because you practice it a lot. I suppose I'm personally not interested in reading this, but one of these scenes, or this type of writing per-chapter, or a full chapter like this every every-so-often, I would be into.
Well, I probably would have loved to read about that as well. Depending on how you described them, that part can be very arousing as well. I get cutting down details that are not arousing but everything that can be, such as tight clothing, could actually give a nice pacing while keeping things interesting. Now I'm curious about the "non-edited" piece hehe
Bumping this thread to maintain the rule that there should be one thread per story. So I just wrote my first ever chapters on CHYOA on this story as well. I kinda wanted to take David's story in a less directly violent way, and I would love if y'all would give me constructive or non-constructive criticism. https://chyoa.com/chapter/A-neon-lit-door.1423088
Pretty good, Misanthrope! Paragraph-to-paragraph writing's good. It's a bit early to see where the branch is going to go, imo, but there's definite promise here. One thing I do dislike is that the second halves of "Give them something to talk about." and "No. This is DAVID'S heaven." are (near?) identical. You don't want to make your readers filter out things they've already seen. I'd put the second half in a chapter of its own, and then link to it from the second branch.
Thank you for the response! I was concerned about doubling material, but to be honest, I'm not good at stretching out sex scenes yet, and I didn't want the climaxes of the balcony scene to both be under 3-400 words. As for plans, I've got about 10 more chapters in a bare-bones outline. Fleshing out the casino floor, going through the 4 rooms, and a 3rd path from the room that visits the hotel pool. Beyond that, I wouldn't mind some advice on how to make deeper paths without becoming repetitive. I mean, there are only so many ways you can finish down a throat, right?
