Thinking of writing a new story, moving away from Jessica I think, it starts as the below ish.... Couple of things to consider. The story will revolve around Sarah, trading, death, revenge in an apocalyptic world I don’t think there is enough urgency in the text and I’m wondering how I can try to quicken the pace of the reader, does anyone find a particular font changing the way they read a chapter? In the middle of nowhere situated on mash land, a small group of people built a community in the aftermath of what is now known of as the beginning. Centuries ago the polar ice caps melted, the world became much smaller as cities were cut off from the mainland, country’s were lost to the sea. The weather changed dramatically brining with it thunderous storms that would last for days and winters that could last for years. Riots and mass hysteria erupted, their was a massive loss of life before government leaders worked together, creating a new centralised government and the world adapted to the new way of life, but it was a difficult world to live in, so much technology was lost, so many people were lost, rising food prices surpassed any inflation and meat became sparsely available. Human evolution hadn’t began to adapt to the harsh new environments or shortage of food creating more and more anger. After years and years of gradually losing land and the changes in the economical climate small groups of self governed communities grew larger in numbers until a world coup was staged, the central government was overthrown, massive wars broke out all around the world and the world that we know was lost. ---The world today--- “The waters rose, the land became wet and the stars were so close you could almost touch them if you reached out enough.”, “Now go to sleep darling” “Again again, please tell me it again daddy?”, “Please....jut once more” “Hahaokay.... They never predicted they would melt as fast as they did. The world became a marsh land in only a matter of months, cities, big huge cities like Tokyo, London! And whole countries were engulfed by the tides and lost overnight. Over the centuries we lost more and more parts of the world, cities cut off from one another, land masses becoming further away.” “But then you and mum met and had me and” “Hey, haha, I’m telling the story”, “Sarah,Sarah,Sarah!” “Hu?” Sarah woke, her heart beating like a drum as she lifted her head from the cold table surface and bolted for the door. In the distance she could see smoke, hear the beating of drums and the roaring sound of flames roaring into the sky. “Oh fuck, get the blockades up!” she shouted to her left as she jumped down from the porch, the squelching sounds of her feet quickening as she ran as quickly as possible out over a field. Sliding on her knees, she began pulling with all her might on a metal chain, the resounding clicking noise around her echoed for miles as walls began to appear upright, surrounding the complex. Or does this only sound interesting in my head?
I'm not sure, but I personally assume, that the described situation would rather lead to more acts of war to protect and increase resources (land, knowledge, technology), so that intermediate step seems needless. Smoke. Beating of drums. A high scream. "GET THE BLOCKADES UP!" The planks creaks under her heavy boots. She jumps down the porch. Her heart beats. Her feet quickens. Over the field. Away from the house. Is this, what you mean with "quicken the pace"? (should be similar with past tense) Nice pictures. (though I wouldn't like them within the story (except cover picture)) I could imagine, that the fetish outfit could be good to avoid getting raped From your post, I'm not quite sure, what direction it would go.
Completely understand, it was just me writing and trying to think of a way that I could force the situation without explaining to much. Yes it is, I think I was just listening to something really inspirational which in turn caused me to write it very quickly, picturing how she would look up, I wanted to capture everything that was happening, her pupils narrowing and the colour draining from her face as she saw what was coming. In my head I had a mad max thing going on where the enemy is travelling incredibly fast towards them but also trying to make it seem scary with the fire and trying to have the chapter read very quickly. I wouldn't want to put the pictures in to be honest unless I done an image chapter but completely separate to the story. Yeah I liked the fetish outfit myself, I was thinking more for an enemy in that sort of outfit though?
When I read through that exerpt, it felt like the girl was younger than I think you intended. The exuberant child being told a bedtime story vibe. Also, it might help add to the tension if you do elaborate on the dangers they are facing. How many are there? Is it just the father and daughter being approached on? What will happen if they are overrun? The father may have already warned Sarah about this so she'd be well aware and going through the dangers in her head.
So in my head, her father is already dead, she is the sort of leader like Maggie is in walking dead (Not really, but everyone looks up to her) I did mean for the younger character for the dream bedtime story part but wasn't my intention to have that continue, is there something I've missed or perhaps I could have the dream section first as it is but explain her leadership, explain the plight that they go through on a daily basis for that chapter?
I didn't imagine a dream. I thought it was a father telling her young daughter a bedtime story while the older sister Sarah sleeps on the table. To make it more clearly, you could put the dream part into italics and let the dream end slightly different. [...] Over the centuries we lost more and more parts of the world, cities cut off from one another, land masses becoming further away.” “But then you and mum met and had me and” "Sarah!" he sighs and smiles at her. "But..." she looks at him with puppy eyes. "Sarah!" he replies with an unusual harsh voice. The young girl looks at him intimidated. "SARAH!" Sarah starts up from her sleep. The sound of bikes in the distance. Two. Maybe three. Her heart beats. An explosion. Less than a minute! she thinks. Up! To the door. The chair bangs on the ground. Out. Cold air. Smoke. A high scream. Fuck! Jess! The planks creaks under her heavy boots. "GET THE BLOCKADES UP!" She jumps down the porch. The blood pulse in her ears. Her feet quickens. Over the field. Away from the house. "GET THE FUCKING BLOCKADES UP!" [...] I could imagine a dream where her father tells her a bedtime story of the nice time before things happened. Told with a slow pace, picturing nice landscapes and peace. I think you could include a lot of things in the scene. For me, it reads very fast if the sentences are pretty short. Let her bawl orders. Let her hear voices of companions, which asks for guidance. Let her think sth like "Not again!" or "Fucking bastards! Third time this week!"
Yeah, I totally missed that she was dreaming about her father. I must have been skimming. If you had the father says sarah, then shout it and sarah gets confused, then wakes up to someone shouting her name in the distance to warn her of the attack, that might be a good transition from dream to wake. Once she's awake, she can assess the situation. It's been a long time since she was told bedtime stories from her father, she's grown older, wiser and more cynical. These days it's others that look up to her, she has to protect them like her father protected her. Stuff like that to give the reader a heads up about where they are at.
For a brief moment I felt that I was reading Vikings from the History channel or Rogue One a star wars story. Then I realize this is another post-Apocalypse story line. While I'm not a fan of the genre, there are story lines that do work. As long as it feels human, and not over the top with creatures that were created from a nuclear meltdown. While I have no issue with picking up the storyline once in awhile it is nice to settle down to get more details on the environment, characters, etc...
