Feeling a little bit stuck for inspiration and was hoping to get a bit of feedback on my story so far. Hoping this is the right forum and looking forward to any input! https://chyoa.com/story/The-Witch's-spellbook.36336
The alternate beginning one would be great, thank you. That's the one I've been writing for most recently.
Ok so I read the alternate start (Aga possesses Helen). Overall its very well-written and the scenes are structured well. I'm struggling to connect with the characters though, as both Aga and Adam are pretty reprehensible. I'm most interested in Helen's state of mind as she deals with someone popping in and out of her body and how she's rationalizing all the things she thinks she is doing. I'm also interested to see if Adam decides Aga's going too far, and how he'd handle a stalker with magical body-jumping powers.
I read the entire branch. You definitely have an interesting angle here, with Helen remembering what Aga-as-Helen did and it having an effect on her. I think it would be better if it was a kind of hazy half-remembering as you initially seem to imply, and not so much an instant switch from cutesy vanilla to suddenly wanting to become a camgirl that happens later on. I'm a sucker for slow corruption. I think you could still walk it back a little if you wanted, with Helen developing second thoughts after all, and expressing confusion about the changes coming over her. In chapter 2 and 3, Adam repeatedly goes back and forth between believing and not believing Aga is in Helen. This flip-flopping between extremes was a little jarring, considering how little evidence he gets in between. I think it would read better if it was a slower, more gradual process of becoming convinced that this might actually be happening, with Aga having to work quite a bit harder to convince him. And by 'work harder' I mean her doing out-of-character-for-Helen sexy stuff. ...Chloe definitely has an OnlyFans, doesn't she? I hope you're going to do something with that at some point. Do Adam and Chloe always talk so freely about sex-adjacent stuff, or is this an unusual interaction for them, prompted by Aga's bad influence on the conversation? You could play around a bit with the vaguely sexual tension between Aga-as-Aga and Adam. Were they always kind of into each other, or did their friendship always had Adam placidly accepting Aga's teasing as something his friend just did for fun? That'd be a good reason for Helen to dislike her, maybe: jealousy. Clearly Aga enjoys using Helen's body to have sex with Adam, so he must at least not be totally repugnant to him. What would happen if Adam and Aga-as-somebody started flirting in front of Helen? ...Or more? You have the hotwife tag already, so cuckqueaning is just a small step away. Adam might not even realize it was Aga at first, for double the confusion. Overall, I think this is pretty good! You move a bit faster than I usually enjoy, but it reads well, the dialogue has a nice flow, and there's a lot of directions you can take this into. Looking forwards to more!
Thank you both so much for your feedback! I will definitely be reviewing those earlier chapters and tweaking them a bit. Thank you for the suggestions on where I could take the concept too. You've both been really helpful!
