https://chyoa.com/story/5-Day-1-Month.42462 Hi. I'm a very new writer. I'm wondering how you think I might improve, or if there's anything you like about my story.
Not a line I ever thought I'd read in a CHYOA story, but worth a chuckle. The writing is fine; mostly correct from a technical standpoint (except for punctuation at the end of quotes), fairly consistent tone. The question prompts at the end of chapters are probably the biggest weakness, and I'd normally prefer a little more detail on the sex scenes but they're not bad. I think the hardest part for me to grasp was "noclip", which I guess is some kind of a game thing? As premises go, my only real concern is with the utter nonchalance of needing medical assistance to ejaculate five times a day - complete with insurance covering things. It feels like [insert character name here] could do with a bit more conflict. Does he need to hire a prostitute, and where does he get the money for that? Does he have a girlfriend, and how does she feel about it? Maybe his mother sees his suffering and decides to help out? I think there's good potential in the story, but I think getting off should in this case be a bit more difficult and involve a few more consequences. Then again, you have plenty of ongoing branches to deal with, so don't feel obliged to change the story - just something to keep in mind going forward, maybe.
Most stories I enjoy on here have longer chapters with more character development. But based on how most stories here are written, I could be in the minority there. I enjoyed this chapter: https://chyoa.com/chapter/The-trans-nurse.1097334
Thank you. Yeah, it's a concept in a lot of games where you can fall through the map by accident or on purpose. I think my weakness regarding question prompts is that I may be ending chapters prematurely or too late instead of looking for a natural point to end, and give the reader a choice. This is a good point. There is a twist that I haven't really revealed yet, which is that his ex-girlfriend is a nurse at the facility. I think these could be really good ideas to revisit. Maybe a no-insurance branch where he has to settle for whoever can help him. I'll try to introduce more conflict and make the story more engaging. Fair enough. I'm glad you enjoyed that chapter. I feel like it's necessary to start with a sex scene, even a brief one so that the story remains interesting for readers. Slow burn stories definitely have an appeal. My protagonist, I suspect is boring to others because I tried to keep him a blank slate the reader could project themselves onto. He doesn't even have a canon name. The character development that I want to have is mainly in the sexual partners, as he speaks with and learns about these women. And men when I do an alternate gay universe.
Only one page in. Silly concept, but I'm here for it. I love, love, love the fact that one of the first things you do is drop a reference to the MC's ex-girlfriend, not a girlfriend or a spouse. That's clever. It really assuages that little voice of guilt, for some reason. A single man might feel awkward whipping his dick out for a total stranger every few hours. But a single man fresh from a breakup? He's got something to prove! Chapter 2: Oh gods it's going off the rails already. It's not a train wreck yet, but I can see it coming. (That's okay. I knew the dangers when I boarded a train inside of a maths problem.) The only issue I have with this page is that you gave the medic in the ambulance the most stereotypical Australian name ever. Not gonna lie, I'm pretty curious to see what happens if I ask the driver to join in. I'll learn a lot about the story's sense of humor when I see whether the ambulance immediately crashes or not. Chapter 3: Yeah, okay, we're done here. ب_ب
lol. It's funny you mention that, because I took someone's suggestion and made that the start of the isekai arc.
https://chyoa.com/chapter/Isekai.1137686 If anyone has any suggestions, feel free to comment. Basically, the MC gets to choose his own abilities in this arc, and is then thrust into a fantasy world and bound to protect a young prince from both interior and exterior threats.
In addition to being #6 in Interracial, I've revealed a lot of lore in the chapters published today. https://chyoa.com/chapter/Leave-and-get-on-the-plane.1195648 I don't know how often I'll be able to update in the future. But rest assured, I am alive, just busy.
