A story about a young blonde girl from Russia

I would like to read a story about the misadventures of a young blonde girl from Russia. Her name is Lilija and she just turned 18. She´s thin and small, with smooth white skin, her blonde hair done up in a ponytail, blue eyes, budding breasts, very tight jeans, very friendly and a bit shy.

She urgently wants to become a model to support her poor family, but she´s too small for a regular model agency. So she follows the invitation of a dubious “Internet model agency” and comes to the USA with big eyes and bigger expectations.

A lot of things can happen to a small girl from Russia: Bdsm, lesbian, romance, interracial sex, non-consent, used for porn, lost in a foreign city, sold as an mail-order bride and much more …

What do you think ?

 

Sounds like it could work well as a story premise. If you'd like to edit it, what you have above is almost a first thread.

 

Thank you, but for a first thread it´s too short, and my English is not good enough.

 

You know, my English is far from being good that never stopped me from posting. Yes, some editors prefer high quality English in their stories and I avoid those. But own story is a very different matter. Don't be shy, I think most people don't care about Grammar as long as it is not awful

 

I think writing is a great way to get better at English. So, start it and do your best.

 

Good story idea with a lot of possibilities.

 

Sounds like a story I'd bookmark. Just don't go with too short of a first post, and preferably add a few extra posts to flesh out the story so people will have more to go on if they're going to make their own additions.

 

I NEED SOME HELP AND EDITING PLEASE:

Lilija walked out of the JFK airport in the afternoon and was met with the hot summer heat. She was tired from the long flight from Moscow, but she was also very happy. She had done it! Finally she had been accepted! Tomorrow she would sign a couple of contracts in that agency and then the shootings would begin. It was all too good to be true!

The 18 years old teen had always wanted to become a model to support her poor family in their rural village home in Russia. All her life Lilija had been told that she was beautiful, thin and small, but with smooth white skin, her blonde hair always done up in a ponytail, big blue eyes, budding breasts, mostly wearing very tight jeans, very friendly and a bit shy.

More than once she had been rejected by model agencies because she was so small. Some men had even tried to sleep with her. But the invitation of the American talent-scout agency had changed it all. She had worked hard to learn English. Her poor family could barely afford the flight ticket. But now she had arrived in this foreign country with big eyes and even bigger expectations ...

What can happen to a small girl from Russia ?
Looking for help, a talent-scout or a cheap hotel ?

 

You're doing really well, for all your concerns about fluency. Here's my take on an edited version.

----

Lilija walked out of the JFK airport in the afternoon and was met with New York's muggy summer heat. She was tired from the long flight from Moscow, but she was also very happy. She had done it! Finally she had been accepted! Tomorrow she would sign a couple of contracts in that agency and then the photo shoots would begin. It was all too good to be true!

The 18-year-old teen had always wanted to become a model to support her poor family in their rural village home in Russia. All her life Lilija had been told that she was beautiful. Indeed she was beautiful, thin and small, with smooth white skin, her blonde hair always done up in a ponytail, big blue eyes and budding breasts. She mostly wore very tight jeans, and her personality was very friendly and a bit shy.

More than once she had been rejected by model agencies because she was so small. Some men at the agencies back home had even tried to sleep with her. But the invitation of the American talent-scout agency had changed it all. She had worked hard to learn English. Her poor family could barely afford the flight ticket. But now she had arrived in this foreign country with big eyes and even bigger expectations ...

What can happen to a small girl from Russia?

Where does Lilja look first?

Looking for help, a talent-scout or a cheap hotel?

 

Nice. Zingiber's re-write took care of the few niggling issues. Otherwise my only suggestion would be a personal preference, such as that she wear her hair in pigtails instead of ponytails.

 

Thank you for your help and support!

 

I NEED HELP AND EDITING AGAIN PLEASE: (Sorry my threads are so short!)

Thread 2: Counting her Money

Lilija counted the small residual of her money, as a young man suddenly dropped his purse in front of her. Lilija stopped right away and bent down to scoop up the items that had fallen out. "Thanks!” The man smiled brightly. “You are so nice!” Lilija eyed the friendly stranger. The man was good locking, tall and coal black. The young Russian girl had never talked to a black man before. “Are you meeting someone here?" he asked her. "Uh, no, not really,” the blonde girl answered with her heavy Russian accent.

“My name is Tyrone. What's yours?" he continued to ask her. “I'm Lilija ... I´ve just arrived ... From Russia,” she explained. "And what brings you to our beautiful country?""I'm going to be a model!" she said proud. "Oh, really? I´m always looking for fresh faces too. Well, if you need help with anything, give you directions to a motel or something, let me know, okay?" He gave her his business card and stepped back, as if he was about to walk away ...

Shouldn´t she ask him for help or a cheap hotel?

 

Only needs very light editing; some editors would accept as-is. Mostly I've spaced the dialogue into separate paragraphs.

*It would be unusual (cross-dressing, rebellious style) for a man to carry a "purse" in NYC. You might say "handbag", "shopping bag", "gym bag", or perhaps "wallet". I think some style retailers have tried to promote a "man bag" to take the place of a purse, but I don't know how popular they are.

You could also make a point of the small/tall contrast as Lilija is looking at the stranger, since Lilija is described as too small to be a model.

-Z.

----

Thread 2: Counting her Money

Lilija counted the small residual of her money, as a young man suddenly dropped his purse* in front of her. Lilija stopped right away and bent down to scoop up the items that had fallen out.

"Thanks!” The man said, smiling brightly. “You are so nice!”

Lilija eyed the friendly stranger. The man was good locking, tall and coal black. The young Russian girl had never talked to a black man before.

“Are you meeting someone here?" he asked her.

"Uh, no, not really,” the blonde girl answered with her heavy Russian accent.

“My name is Tyrone. What's yours?" he persisted.

“I'm Lilija ... I´ve just arrived ... From Russia,” she explained.

"And what brings you to our beautiful country?" he asked.

"I'm going to be a model!" she said proudly.

"Oh, really? I´m always looking for fresh faces too. Well, if you need help with anything, give you directions to a motel or something, let me know, okay?" He gave her his business card and stepped back as if he was about to walk away ...

Should she ask him for help or directions to a cheap hotel?

 

Thank you very much!

 

I NEED HELP AND EDITING AGAIN PLEASE:

Ask him for directions to a cheap hotel

Lilija picked up her worn suitcase and looked around. “Uh, wait, Tyrone, maybe … could you tell me of a cheap hotel around here somewhere?"

Tyrone smiled. "I know a place that'll do.” He checked the watch on his smartphone.

“I got time. Come on, I'll take you there if you'd like. It's just a few blocks away."

“Oh, that would be great. Thanks. By the way, what did you mean when you said you´re always looking for fresh faces?"

Together, the tall black man and the small Russian model left the airport ...

 

I'd probably add that thread unchanged, other than grouping Tyrone's speech into a single paragraph. Without that, it looks like Lilija might be replying.

Tyrone smiled. "I know a place that'll do.” He checked the watch on his smartphone. “I got time. Come on, I'll take you there if you'd like. It's just a few blocks away."​

 

You'd probably want to say 'checked the time on his smartphone'. Saying 'watch' seems a little odd for a phone, but maybe that's the way it's referred to nowadays.

When I first read it for some reason I saw smartwatch, which made me think he must be somewhat well-to-do and interested in new tech toys. Sort of a sign of a guy who wants the latest and greatest. But anyway...

I can pretty much guess that the guy is going to go on about being a model agent, or talent scout, and the fact that he's here where girls come into the area looking a little lost makes me think he is a predator. Looking forward to whatever else you release.

 

Thank you for your help!

 

I NEED HELP AGAIN:

Tyrone leads Lilija to a sleazy Hotel

Lilija followed Tyrone five blocks through the crowded city. The small girl had to hurry to keep pace with the tall man. Finally they reached the hotel.

"Here it is. The Paradiso Hotel. It costs just sixty bucks a night. That´s pretty cheap for a room in our city."

Lilija just stood and stared at it, her mouth wide open, taking in the scene before her: The Paradiso was a sleazy hotel in a bad part of town. It obviously hadn't been renovated since thirty years at least. The paint was fading, a few windows were broken and waste piled up on the parking lot. Right in front of them a huge, angry black pimp was arguing with a hooker.

"It's not so bad. You just have to be careful and always lock your door." Tyrone tried to put some cheer in his voice.

“I … I can't ... I can't stay here,” Lilija said, shaking her head. “Isn´t there another hotel somewhere around?”

"No, not really,” he replied. “I mean, not for that price. You have not that much money, right?"

"No, not yet." Worried Lilija was figuring how long her money would last.

"Well, come on, it won't be so bad,” he said and started walking toward the hotel …

Will Lilija take a room in this hotel? Or maybe ask Tyrone if she could stay with him? Does the pimp notice Lilija?

 

I would say that page could be posted as-is. Was there something in particular you were looking for help with?

The only rephrasings I might do are from

"You have not that much money, right?"​

to

"You don't have much money, right?"​

and

Worried Lilija was figuring how long her money would last.​

to

Worried by the price, Lilija was figuring how long her money would last.
​

or

Lilija was worried, figuring how long her money wouldn't last long.​

Really, I think you're doing quite well.