Looking for feedback on the existing chapters for the story, as well as fetish and townsfolk ideas. Also looking for ideas for potential other paths the parasites can take such as landing in a particular city, or some other fantasy world. https://chyoa.com/chapter/Introduction.1279477
Hahahah, yeah that would help, saved the URL to add it, but must have gotten distracted and forgotten to add it
Okay, to start with the positive your chapters are a good length; grammar, spelling, and punctuation generally look good (there are some misspellings, I noticed "cum recepticle" in Break that Bitch, and a few awkward phrases, especially with the romanji); decent sex vocabulary (not using the same word all the time); and you actually have prompts at the end instead of "What's Next?" So that's all to the good. Sex scenes and dirty talk are okay, but could probably use more description, maybe emphasize the entirety of the experience (sounds, smells, heat, pain, etc.). Pacing is a little off; the mental changes seem too fast and the physical ones a bit slow. Slow isn't bad, I like that you're not jumping in to Juliette just popping out a cock or James growing breasts, but it feels like the physical changes don't receive much focus versus the fairly quick submission. As far as recommendations - it might be interesting if James was pushed further out of his sexual comfort zone as the changes in his and the other infected's bodies become more obvious. It's still very linear (which is fine), but it might be fun to have more little side stories - maybe solo moments where a character masturbates under the influence of the parasite or something.
Thank you Zeebop. I had a nagging feeling about the sex scenes, but at the same time my mind wasn't picking up on what was missing and I didn't want to get over descriptive and drag everything on. I'll probably go back to add some descriptions so I can the reference the edited chapters. And yeah I figured James would be the slowest of anyone in all fields, while Juliette, idk I "wimped out" on going too much on her changes there, while I had tried to hint on her brocon mind break fetish early on but certainly also didn't want to go too obvious so there probably was something lacking there. So when I edit I can probably plump her out more with the sexual description. As for the extra/size chapters I just got confident enough that I was considering them once I hit a upcoming marker. I was thinking a small side thread describing how Juliette in her early phase more or less infected most of her close friends with Ashley included, and leaving either openings for others to then go further with her friends or taking them to their own short branches with their own changes, which will definitely be a exercise in implementing your suggestions.
