Erotic SOLO Roleplay Journaling

Did someone say Bell? (scans the area for nefarious Pokemon battlers).

Continuing to sprinkle the One Page Solo Engine into my chapters for Brian and Mary on a RV road trip. The latest random event, with Brian finding himself waking up on a hard picnic bench in the cold light of dawn under a sleeping woman is: 9D AceD, "Command (technical) PCs (technical)", which suggests that Brian needs to Wake Up And Make A Decision, or Get Up And Get The RV Moving.

 

It is amazing how useful something so simple as One Page Solo Engine is!

 

I couldn't think of a clever and appropriate answer, so I decided to loop back to visitors from a previous chapter demanding Brian get ready for his day right away. But I love the 1P for prompts and ideas, and for a brief set of generic tables, it's pretty great!

 

So I've been exploring a few different paths of my story in here - I'm not sure how happy I am with the newest branch that I'm working on. This is the first time I've tried this kind of writing, so any feedback would be very helpful! Am I chopping chapters up too small? Leaving out too much detail? Just boring? Let me know! I need to know what the bad parts are to improve.

Link to the start of my chapters here: https://chyoa.com/chapter/Luxara,-female-tiefling-Magus.1563425

 

I've added a page of shortcuts to make it a bit easier to navigate through the branches (or just to get into the "action" quicker). I've also added some short character sheets with a bit more description for a few of the major NPCs (hopefully they aren't spoilery! )

I still would really love to get any feedback or criticism at all - I'm hesitant to try starting another story without learning from my mistakes in this one!

 

Found something useful on Reddit, thought I would share

https://www.reddit.com/r/NSFW_GMing/

https://www.reddit.com/r/NSFW_GMing/comments/18kobev/system_repository/

I've already found a few interesting looking NSFW game systems, although a LOT of the links seem to be resources to use with other game systems.

 

First things first, how many times was Lux subjected to the Grasping Tentacles spell by the GM of your game lol (for those not familiar with Pathfinder, Grasping Tentacles is exactly what it says on the tin: the perverted version of Black Tentacles. Not really designed to hurt, but very good at removing your equipment from you)?

Now for actual feedback on your writing.

First tip: try to avoid words like "seem" when combining it with a verb. "Seem to eye?" How? The key to good writing is description, which means if something is important (or if you simply want to troll readers with a non-significant detail such as Tolkien does with a certain tree), describe how it's important. The exception to this are, of course, passive verbs such as to be, to have, etc.

Second tip: use some variety with word choice. If you have trouble with shaking up your word choice, www.thesaurus.com is free (I use it myself).

Third tip: the one about pacing that you so adeptly picked up on. Especially when coming to scenes, a clever trick you can use is interject the character's thoughts or environmental description between actions if there's time between them. If actions rapidly succeed each other, don't do this. Here's a couple illustrative examples:

"The stout man juts his axe up, cutting the head of the enemy bandit off, the head falling to the ground with a soft thunk. He pauses, catching his breath from the minute-long battle. The cleric of the group, a lanky elf with blond hair and gray eyes approaches the bandit and starts rooting through pockets, eventually pulling forth a small coin cache."

"The siege accelerates with the addition of the ram. Arrows rain on the defenders, but a loud bam resounds against the oak doors as the ram hits. BAM resounds the door as y- BAM."

You see how length controls timing? Also feel free to interrupt a sentence as I did in the latter example if the action is moving faster than the text. Furthermore, technically it should be resounds through but I opted to omit "through" in favor of pacing.

 

That's really helpful, thank you very much! I'll keep those things in mind and do better next time.

That's amazing, I didn't know that version of the spell existed! From the "dirty tactics toolbox". I'll definitely find uses for that in a story!

 

My second story, the Valley of Mists, is making a bit of progress - it begins here. Just like before, I would love to get any feedback on how it's going! Anything that I could be doing better, that you would like to see more or less of, that is better or worse compared to the previous story? Please let me know!

 

The Valley of Mists now has an ending. I’d love to get any kind of feedback on how I’m doing, especially on what is better or worse about it compared to the first story.

• How do you feel about the length of the chapters overall? I got some feedback that the chapters in my first story were too short – have I hit a better balance this time, or gone too far the other way?
  
  
• So far, I’ve been writing to give the stories an ending after about 50 chapters. Would you like to see a longer ongoing story with more of a sense of continuity, or perhaps shorter stories with quicker resolutions, instead?
  
  
• Increasingly through this story, I hid the dice rolls in side chapters, away from the main flow of the narrative. Do you like it that way, or is it better to mix it in more?
  
  
• Would you like to see more/less of anything else – sex, action, characterisation, worldbuilding, scene description, supporting characters, dice rolling?
  

Any other ideas or suggestions, branches or alternate outcomes you’d like to see explored, things I can do better in my writing – please let me know!

 

I’m not sure how helpful this will be, as it’s going to be mostly glowing praise - but hopefully somewhat useful?

First of all - I adore Lux and her adventures, her voice and personality as a character is so strong and consistent and comes through so well.
I think that the length of chapters worked well in Valley; in general I felt like it had a bit more of an “epic” theme to it, with the stakes and gathering of characters against a gothic atmosphere, so the length supported that atmosphere, if that makes sense? I think shorter chapters definitely have their place! But in general shorter was a better fit for the dungeon crawl of Cog.
Personally I think having the 50-chapter goal is a good target, and Lux having these longer form adventures is a fun way to explore her ongoing story and interact with new characters and environments - I like the blend of existing character continuity while going on a new adventure. Maybe a few references to previous quests might be a fun touch in future instalments?
Dice rolls hidden away is a nice touch too! I think occasionally it’s good to have them in the action to show the crunch of the events, but where Valley seems to have been very technical I think hiding them was a good call - it’s fun to then peek under the hood! That said, I’m still getting used to those mechanics myself, so I may not have the most experienced perspective.
On your last point I’m gonna be completely useless: the blend of sex and action, different fates and dangers is so strong, and the supporting characters are delightful whether they’re horrid or sweet. Genuinely got a little teary at times reading Lux’s interactions with some of her companions. Honestly the “voice” of the story is so snappy and flows so well.
I think one aspect that was slightly stronger in Cog, was the inclusion of different perspectives and side stories - but again I think that was a better fit for the tone of that tale. It might be interesting next time to see Lux from an outside perspective occasionally? Either in action scenes or social ones.
In terms of stuff to be explored, I guess it depends on the fallout from Lux’s ending, but it would be interesting to see how she carries her experiences forward in the future, dealing with effects to her mind and body?
Ahh I’ve really just gone ham there and I’m sorry to everyone for the wall of text. But hopefully there’s something good in there! Keep writing, you rock!

 

I've enjoyed following The Valley of Mists, though I haven't been following closely. I like characterization and interaction. It's been interesting reading your notes on how you made decisions on the plot, creatures, and challenges.

 

Thank you both, this is great!

I'm so happy that you like it! Any feedback at all is very helpful, at least I know I'm getting something right!

That sounds like a good idea. With the multiple endings I've been writing, I should be able to find one from each story to carry forward, and then refer back to the past events.

I can definitely do more of this, I have some ideas already for branches in the Valley where I could show some different perspectives.

Thank you so much!

That's great, I'm glad you liked those parts - I know different people have different tastes and I wasn't sure how well I'd balanced those elements.

I'll keep that in mind, thank you! Even for myself, writing out those bits is helpful for thinking things through. I'll make sure to keep it up.