Hi everyone! The name’s Usherbot, and I have this semi-long running story that I have been continuing in the stead of a friend of mine who sorta left the erotica world behind years ago. the thing is that I don’t think I’m too great of a writer at all these days and would appreciate some feedback on the story! https://chyoa.com/story/Heath’s-Humiliation.58988
I think your friend wrote the uncredited parts, but I didn't want to skip past the first chapters because they're so, so important. And it's actually a solid start. No long descriptions, straight into the meat of things: new school, woefully unprepared protagonist. Good mental image, let's go. "Guy accidentally joins all-girl school" and "naked in school" are both classic tropes, and they work together very well here. The first not-even-really-sex sex scene is also good. It's hot, yet preserves the feeling that the story is only just beginning. It makes me eager to read more. ...But instead I'll skip ahead to your chapters. First, some punctuation notes: "Dialogue goes like this," he said. The whole thing is 1 sentence, so no capital H, and separate the 2 clauses with a comma instead of a period. This also holds if the quoted part ends in an exclamation mark or question mark: "Ahh!" she moans. "What?" she yelled. "How dare you!" ...Except when a quote is not followed by a speech tag: "I don't know." He shrugged. "I guess." These are 3 independent sentences, so they all start with a capital letter and end with a period. And if the speech tag splits 1 quoted sentence into 2 parts, use 2 commas: "Oh great," he drawled, "here comes the cavalry." Chapter 16-19. The humiliation contrasts nicely with the formal academic language. You want to be careful with superlatives, though. He had "the strongest orgasm in his life" just minutes ago, and now he has an even stronger one? Leave room for escalation! Chapter 19. Tones are for sounds, but thoughts are not audible. "You think to yourself sarcastically" is OK, but even better would be to make it a little more obvious in the thought itself that you're being sarcastic, then you don't need to spell it out. You're almost there already, it just needs a little more oomph. Chapter 20. Embarrassed stutters usually occur at the start of sentences, not in the middle like this. Beware, though: it can get annoying to read when every sentence starts with a stutter, and it risks infantalizing your characters. I like the lab aprons. I was actually hoping for a lab coat, thinking it would be a good change of pace from the full nudity, but this is even better, because it actually could cover him up... and then it's a nice twist when it fails utterly to do so (a twist which you could exploit a little more). Chapter 23. Use italic for emphasis. Upper case is for yelling and should be used extremely sparingly, if at all. You don't need to say "you" are confused, the dialogue itself makes already that obvious. In fact, you don't need a speech tag at all. This is a conversation between two people, those usually go A, B, A, B, and since you attributed the last line, you don't need to do it again here. You can skip them in many other places too. This makes it seem like you're thankful for the realization, when what you should be thankful for is not getting groped. I tried to rewrite it while preserving the explicit thankfulness, but I think it's better to remove it entirely: "You discover that if you move quickly ..." The context already makes it clear this is a bit of a relief. Looking at the story as a whole, you clearly know what it's about, and you're doubling down on all the appropriate kinks. A lot of stories go off the rails, by introducing kinks or plot beats that don't fit well together, but this one seems to keep its focus, and is stronger for it. I'm not going to lie to you and say it's high literature, but for a sex story I'd say you're doing a good job. Just keep at it, you'll get better with practice. Your body part logistics could use some more work, though. There were a lot of bodily contact that I didn't think was very plausible (and possibly not even physically possible). Suspension of disbelief means you can get away with a little implausibility, but not too much. Try to actually picture how your characters are moving, how far apart they are, which body parts could reasonably touch. Don't actually write down all those little moves in your prose! It's a story, not an instruction manual. But know them.
Oh wow, I wasn’t expecting a fully in-depth answer like this. I’m so very grateful for your time and feedback!
