Always a good idea to include a link: https://chyoa.com/chapter/Introduction.425028 That said...not much there yet. Three chapters, no decisions yet. The set-up isn't bad, but it isn't grabbing me with possibilities yet either. Plenty of potential for it to be developed.
I thought it was pretty well written so far. Knowing the guys intentions and watching it unfold to her is an interesting dynamic for me as the reader. I feel slightly sleazy and manipulative just reading, but cool you could elicit that from your writing. Laurie seems like a rounded enough character, you do a good job quickly setting up her boyfriend dynamic and that she is missing out on some fun. Doesnt explicitly lead me to beliece she wants to have some college fun, maybe a line hinting that would help lead into the rest of the story. When she's buzzed, her actions fit with the character well which helps the story. Alex, I really didn't care for how he acted on the phone. He studies, lovey neive - still his reaction felt a bit too flat and 1 dimensional. Don't over compensate witha dramatic reaction.. but he should be able to tell she's buzzed or that's out of character - but just checks that everything's ok and Shoo's her away wouldn't take me out of the story as much. I had a trickier time tracking Dan vs Josh. Putting one on bed and one in chair was good move, so reference back to sometimes to help paint picture of the room and characters. Also, maybe seperate some character traits so they aren't as much the same two personalities. I envisioned Josh as a bit of the instigator while Dan was the muscle, so maybe Dan is doing pushups instead. That's my personal read though from it though and might not be your character vision.
Thanks for that - super helpful, especially regarding Alex's phone call and differentiating Dan and Josh - I will try to rework those.
More chapters now, but I am afraid it will be a little slow in bringing in decisions - I'm trying to make sure each thread is finished before I start a new one. It is due to be a relative short CHYOA.
Pardon me resurrecting this. I've now finished what will probably be the main thread of this story. I'll be now adding decisions and the branches - I have a lot of ideas, but as I wrote before I want to get to a conclusion before I start each new branch! If anyone has any feedbacks or comments at all, it will be really gratefully received. Particularly anything to regarding the writing style in the more recent chapters.
The next fork will either be: An ENF theme coming off from "The Morning" (https://chyoa.com/chapter/The-Morning.987783) Laurie either goes through the park and gets confronted by a group, or takes a taxi without any money, either way losing more clothes and dignity. A prostitution theme coming off from "Blowjobs" (https://chyoa.com/chapter/Blowjobs.427470) Laurie tells Alex about cheating and gets dumped. Ends up running up weed debts to Dan or Josh, who (eventually) pimps her out. A fuller gangbang splitting off "Blinded" (https://chyoa.com/chapter/Blinded.961254) Laurie gets fucked in the ass, filmed, the boys run a train, Alex sees the video but doesn't realise it's her... If anyone has any ideas, or thinks one of these branches looks much stronger than another, I'd really welcome their thoughts.
