Well, there are stories where the first full-blown sex scene comes after about a hundred chapters. It doesn't have to be a sex scene as long as it doesn't start like "Hey, I'm Mark, I'm 25 and volunteered for this research mission. I'm 5' 9 and quite handsome..." yaaaaawwwn I'm much more intrigued by a story which starts with some action which makes you think "What is going on? Why is the protagonist in that situation?"
Nothing wrong with leaving the world somewhat open. If I have any advice, don't be afraid to put your foot down if you feel someone is making their character too powerful too early. If this story is about a character rising up the ranks, then they need to struggle to begin with. Second, you seriously need to get Grammarly: https://app.grammarly.com/ Your work has numerous small errors and missing capital letters. These kinds of errors are easy to make and as I said before, my work would also have (more) issues if I didn't use Grammarly. A lack of speech marks makes some your work rather confusing to read. For example this paragraph from your chapter Jacob, human noble, magic The man raises his eyebrows as he heres this and you are unsure of what he is thinking mainly because you have never been in this sort of situation before. The man looks at you and says: since it is such a common request, and because you already have some profiency with magic that you are unaware of the magic I will bestow on you will merely be a random gift but I will allow you the ability of choosing your station: be forewarned though once you enter your new position you will have the burdens of that persons life as you are reborn as them he smiles oh yes you will be reborn as a whole new person with knowledge of your prevous life, now let us choose a station he waves his hand and a row of papers appear: Should read: The man raises his eyebrows as he hears this. Jacob is unsure of what he is thinking, or exactly what the hell is going on. The man looks at him and says "Since it is such a common request, and because you already have some proficiency with magic that you are unaware of the magic I will bestow on you will merely be a random gift but I will allow you the ability of your choosing your station. Be forewarned, once you enter your new position you will have the burdens of that person's life as you are reborn as them he smiles oh yes you will be reborn as a whole new person with knowledge of your previous life, now let us choose a station." He waves his hand and a row of papers appear: Personally, I'd also limit what position a reader can pick as much as possible, considering that, to my understanding, the objective of your story is for the protagonist to climb the ranks. In my mind, Knight/Viscount should be the maximum a character can start at. I find a lot of your sentences seem to run on and are rather long. You'll notice in that edit of your paragraph that I split the sentence the man says in half. Sometimes I think you might actually be missing full stops, which admittedly makes reading certain paragraphs rather awkward. As for character descriptions, they feel a bit 'police line-up'. This is an error a lot of writers fall into. Let's take your description of Jacob's new form in Chapter 4: 'As jacob finds his room and enters what appears to be not a stately room like the rest of the house it appears to be quite built for function As jacob undresses he notices one luxury in the corner: a mirror what he sees there pleases him. He appears to be at least 6’0ft tall, well built, has black hair and grey eyes and a 12 inch dick' First, the paragraph and sentence before started with the same words: As Jacob. I also see no need to start a new paragraph at this point. I'd put a full stop at the end of 'function', and then start the next sentence with just 'Jacob'. There also should be a full stop after mirror. That said, I like that you called the mirror a luxury. This is good world building as it informs us, the reader, that mirrors are not common in Midnick. I also would say that looking into a mirror is a great way to get a character description in. Rather than say 'what he sees there pleases him.' I would start with the character description. Jacob undresses, noticing one luxury: a mirror. In it, he sees character description. As for the description itself, as I said it comes across as rather police line-up. For example, 6 feet might be tall to you, but that would be below my height. It's also pretty exact considering this character doesn't have a ruler on hand. If you were to use a word such as 'towering', no matter what my height technically is, I have a preception this character is tall. Next, I'd replace well built with the word 'adonis' (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Adonis). The phrase 'towering adonis' tells me a lot about this character with only two words. He is tall, fit, and handsome. Black hair and grey eyes are fine. Now, onto the 12-inch cock. Again, does our character have a ruler to confirm the length? I'm also assuming he's not currently aroused, so he's going to be absolutely massive when he gets hard. Rather than 12-inch, I'd use a word such as 'impressive', 'huge', 'massive' etc. So, overall, I'd recommend you change the description to this: In it, he sees a towering adonis with black hair, grey eyes, and an impressive cock. (You are more than free to use this btw). The big take away is to avoid terms such as '6'4', 'b-cup sized breasts'. I've never looked at a woman and thought "She's exactly 5'6 with DD sized-bra'. Instead, I'd think 'She's about average height, but she's got huge tits' I think this is enough for now. Finally, please don't get discouraged just because your writing needs work. We all have to start somewhere and just about everyone here has made similar/the same errors you have. I'm not doing this to be mean, but to help you improve on a concept that I believe has a lot of potential if fully realized.
We have different definitions of Open World. You can (and should) write a rich world full of opportunities for authors to add their own spin. There are a few stories on this site where the owner wrote a two paragraph introduction. The author then writes a tree of costomization chapters until they have a hundred places to start a story. They write the begginings of a story under two of them and then give up. I was worried you were going to do something like that.
AH, thanks for the description ted and your right... I do plan on trying to make the story more customizable once i've finished the story tree i've got going
Again, it doesn't have to be a full sex scene. Foreplay would be fine. In your story the Curse of the Black Ooze you have breast sucking and gender swap in the introdution. Sexy acts that let the reader know what kind of story to expect. And there are plenty of was to write a sex scene but have the reader still want more.
I think both arguments have points....but in my experience it seems that the beginning leads towards the type of story you would want: so a story with more sex in the begining might have more sex in it and may be shorter but still quite enjoyable. Yet a story with less sex might be longer and quite boring. it really depends on who's reading your work and what they like
Breast feeding sure, and that is the hook, but I wouldn't call that transformation scene "sexy" more like horror porn if anything. Fair enough, I suppose.
shouldn't it be I'd rather start with "He" in that case to avoid writing the name every sentence. Or sth like "The tall and [adjective] man" which can add something to the description.
I would like to make a comment....I did not come to be subject to advice on how I already write(yes my grammar and sentence structure sucks, I do that on purpose!!). I asked a specific question and did not recieve answers that would help me and while im grateful for the advice you have given...I believe that your opinions are invalid in the grand scheme of things,it is mine that counts.
You do realize these two things will deeply affect your writing INCLUDING any sex scenes in a negative way? I also really do not understand why you would intentionally write with poor grammer and sentence structure, outside of rare context (slurred speech, text messages). It frankly makes your work hard to read which hurts your story. I mean would you watch a movie that is out of focus for the entire runtime just because the director did that on purpose? Finally, I just want you to know that I gave you that advice to improve your story overall. You don't have to agree with it and I'm far from the be all end all when it comes to writing, but I would ask you to consider editing your work. Things like overly long sentences and missing speech marks WILL turn readers away. I literally needed someone else to make further corrections to work I corrected due to the fact your sentence was missing speech marks. I love the concept you have, but it needs work, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'd like to think I've made a fair improvement since I first started writing fiction, and I believe EVERY writer on this website would say the same thing. Also, to be honest, it's hard to tell you how to improve your sex scenes when you haven't written any for the story. It's also somewhat subjective depending on what one likes. Recently I got a comment on this forum that my sex scenes for my latest story were too fast. This, however, was my intent for the story. The commenter isn't necessarily wrong (in fact I'd agree that one of the scenes was over too fast), and I can understand someone wanting longer sequences. There may also be details I focus on that others don't like. Again, the best advice on writing sex I can give you is to read more erotica. Find what you like and what you dislike. Figure out what makes it good. Read about sex. You have Google at your fingertips and there's no reason why you shouldn't use it to research your subject matter.
Okay, so I just read the first Hermione sex scene from your story 'Celeb and movie Maledom' and I felt it was solid (although admittedly I am not big on fan fiction). The grammar is much better and this makes the work easy to follow (although you did spell Draco with all lower cases in the title. Small mistake, but it's the first thing everyone sees). If I had any major complaints, it's that it would be more interesting to start at Hermione and Draco's relationship, and exploring how she became his sub. I mean I'm pretty removed from Harry Potter, but I do remember Hermione being a very strong-willed, determined character. I think watching her being broken down to being Draco's slave would have a lot more potential as an overall story. I also felt that having other party goers in the scene felt a bit jarring HOWEVER I can respect this creative choice as it illustrates the sex party. Writing orgies can be very difficult considering it can mess with pacing, but I felt you did a decent enough job with it. I liked the use of words such as 'fuck/fucking', 'slut' and 'cunt' in the scene, as it illustrated a level of aggressiveness and domination. That said, I personally find the term 'buggering' to describe anal sex rather unarousing. Finally, the majority of your sentences are started with nouns, either character names or She/He. This does make the work feel a little repetitive, and I'd recommend trying to restructure some sentences so they start differently. Still, I think this is good work and you should be happy with it.
I would imagine many of the same things you do for battle scenes would work for sex scenes. Explore the details that are important and let the reader fill in the rest. Whenever I have trouble figuring out what is important or don't have enough details I ask "why is this event/opportunity/action sexy?" Talk about all five senses when important, but remember the readers like your characters, so talk about what they are thinking and feeling also.
I'm forced to edit others works and write correctly all the time in my daily life...I come here to just write my thoughts how i am thinking them
