Hello all! Long-time writer, first time poster. I'm currently writing Yuki: Space Assassin and wanted some feedback. It's in it's adolescence, but soon I'll be in the point of no return with edits and tone. Above all I want a hot take, and not to spell out my current insecurities or thoughts in where I need to improve going in. That's usually my problem with critiquing things anyway, if I'm told up front what's wrong, I'll look for it when I might not have initially. But if you must, I'll spoiler tag it. Spoiler: My concerns with it. I'm between a rock and a hard place with Yuki and her characterization. Sure, she's an audience avatar/plaything with equal potential to be dominant or submissive, miserable or in total ecstasy, but I want to define her more. Mass Effect managed to make Shepard unmistakably Shepard even in her Paragon or Renegade personalities, I'm hoping to give Yuki that treatment. And if it wasn't obvious, I originally began on r/dirtypenpals, and am very conscious of people's kinks and turn-offs, particularly humiliation. For CHYOA that's easy to bypass for the most part--just avoiding those sorts of choices, but with this is it not Is it too non-con centric? Thanks all!
Hot take: It's pretty linear at the moment. You have some branches, but no real decision points - every chapter ends with "What's Next?", which is maybe fine if you want to keep writing everything on your own, but doesn't really encourage the imagination or suggest possibilities to readers or other writers (I can't always throw stones on that myself, but I usually like to mix it up a bit "What Does Yuki Do Next?" or "Oh No! How Does Yuki Get Out Of This One?" etc.) If I had one criticism of the story so far, it's that you tend to do more telling than showing. For example, in Yuki Is Taken To Her New Master: You say she's humiliated...but could you show it? Humiliation can come in a sudden wave, like a shock, but it also builds up and wears the subject down...this is the kind of scene that could be played out for an entire chapter, the chafe of her bonds, the way she's almost naked and stared at like a piece of meat, reeling from the venom that makes her sick and weak, the sights of the crowds...and the dread anticipation of what is to come. Let her mind run through the scenarios, the terrible things that might happen...and then he undoes his robe and reveals his bitchbreaker, and let her last shred of hope fade as she realizes what her fate is to be. If, that is, you want to go that route - it's your story, and don't let me nudge you in directions you don't want to go. As to your personal doubts: Spoiler In my experience, you're doing fine - chapters are getting a fair number of likes, no-one is complaining. There are some straight-up rapefics on the site, and though that isn't my personal preference you can definitely find an audience for non-con here. Keep the level of humiliation to whatever you feel comfortable with writing, and maybe push it if you want to experiment. As far as keeping personality consistent across different story arcs - always tricky. Little touches are good (favorite phrases and mottoes, ways of talking, keep the physical descriptions close, give her a quirk like being ticklish, maybe add a habit like smoking or tapping with her fingers.) More important is to settle on some character traits: is she afraid of anything? Is she embarrassed about being nude, or proud of her body? Shy or haughty? Does she put up a strong front but is a basket of insecurities, or is she a strong person who can yet be worn down by circumstances? All of these can work with being either dominant or submissive, but they say something about her and how she reacts to certain situations - and as long as those reactions are consistent, dom/sub choices flow naturally. A haughty dom relishes the confirmation of her abilities; a haughty sub is ashamed at her need to submit, but secretly proud of being "owned," etc. Anyway, hope that helps.
Yeah I actually didn't know I could edit that for like the first month of editing -_- This is exactly what I needed to hear, yep. That's what's missing, I play this scenario out with a lot of partners on Reddit and often due to it's back and forth nature they have no choice but to be reactionary and draw out those sorts of responses, I took that for granted. This does help, you da man. No worries! I do this for fun but I strive to improve, and really turn on my audience. This is the kind of thing I'd want to read. Thanks again!
