I am used to primarily writing FF sex scenes. Even with MF sex I can understand it from the female perspective at least. But I have a bit of a difficulty writing sex from the male perspective, mostly because I'm not one. From what I understand, male sexuality is more (but not totally) centralized on their genitals then female sexuality. I also understand that men are generally more visually-oriented and so I should include more visual details then internal feelings. Is there anything else I should keep in mind?
I would say that men can be more repressed in a lot of situations. A man doesn't feel like they're supposed to talk about anything, so they could go years running on misinformation they picked up when they were young, or believing that someone else holds wildly different opinions than they actually do. But also, men aren't sitcom characters, there are internal feelings, and the "hurr durr i got cock, where i put it" trope can be really grating to see.
I know, obviously we have to speak in broad strokes and general trends. Males and females aren't THAT different. As a bisexual writing a story about everyone becoming bisexual I would hope everyone thought the same Thank you for the advice.
In writing both genders, I do a lot of talking with my partner. I admit, I try to focus a lot on a blend of the stimulation the characters are feeling versus the thoughts running through their heads. Setting aside genderfluidity and stuff for a moment, if I'm writing the male perspective, I tend towards much more direct sensation -- the feeling of vagina, mouth or anus on his penis, the touch of his partner's fingers on his skin -- stuff like that, and use it as triggers for very direct physical responses. When I'm writing the female perspective, I still focus on the stimulus, but... almost in a more diffuse way. More like a whole body or holistic experience. I don't want to get stereotypical, but I'm more likely to highlight emotional response on female presenting and physical response on male presenting. That's a very broad rule of thumb, though. Sometimes it's all about the clit going spung or the man having repressed emotional turmoil crack through his shell or whatever else. The characters will generally let you know if they're more in their head or their bodies when they're having sex, in my experience, and male or female that's usually a good guide. I'm with @geezermcpleezer though -- I get tired of "Man! Dick! Man Only Thinks With Dick? Dick In Soft Place? Dick Happy!" when I'm reading scenes. So... seriously good on you for asking.
I guess my sex scenes from male POV (in Alternating Wife) rather focus on sensation, though he is — technically speaking — cheating on his wife. So emotions are rather present between the sex scenes while he rather focuses on his enjoyment during the sex scenes. Have you already tried to get inspired by male POV sex scenes of other authors?
A little. It's tricky to get into the male mindset. I either undershoot and get a girl with a penis or overshoot and make a caveman.
Speaking as a male who may or may not be typical when it comes to sex, here are a few things I'd say to keep in mind: (1) Obviously, there is as much diversity among men as women, and so this is all very generalized and may not be accurate for everyone. (2) You're pretty much spot-on with the first two things you've mentioned: that the primary focus for men's pleasure is the penis, and that men tend to be visually stimulated. (3) It is a myth that men do not enjoy foreplay and would rather get right down to business. Men especially enjoy touching a woman's body, and will tend to focus on their favorite parts - depending on the man, this might be breasts, ass, or feet & legs. (4) Men tend to get turned on very quickly, and if stimulation of some kind is kept up (but not to the point of orgasm), they can stay that way for an hour or more. (5) As a rule, men don't tend to say very much during sex. Usually, men like it when women are vocal, though. (6) During sex, men are focused on the present moment. One of the great things about sex, and this seems to be true for men more than women, is that it's almost impossible to worry about anything else while one is doing it; the sensation and stimulation drives everything else out of one's head. So, men won't generally be thinking of things like an upcoming football game or even a conversation which took place ten minutes ago with the woman he's having sex with. (6a) This focus on the present moment and the physical sensation during sex is the reason why men might seem callous or unfeeling; it's not that we don't feel love and affection during sex, it's that we can't articulate it. This is also why men are fully capable of having sex with women who we don't like very much; once we're in the moment, that just doesn't seem to matter (afterward, though, it can matter a great deal!) (7) Sometimes, men will go into sex with some lack of confidence, especially if he's inexperienced or has never been with this particular woman before. As such, he might start off holding back a bit until he gets some kind of confirmation that the woman is enjoying it, and then he will become more bold and perhaps more aggressive. (8) Men can tell when they're about to orgasm about five to ten seconds in advance. There is a sensation which feels something like a buildup of pressure, and then several involuntary muscular spasms at the base of the penis which, of course, ejaculates semen. The feeling of pleasure hits right at the first such muscle contraction, and it usually feels like a wave of tingling sensation which starts at the genitals and radiates through the body to the extremities. It also feels like one is producing a lot more semen than one actually does. (9) We can't tell when a woman is faking an orgasm. (10) After orgasm, men "come down" fairly quickly. It is still pleasurable to continue intimate contact, kissing, cuddling, etc., but the physical need is satisfied. This is actually when men feel more of the emotional connection, as opposed to during the act of sex itself when it is more about shared physical pleasure. Hope that helps!
Speaking as another male, all of this is accurate, and I can't think of much to add except a few small details, listed below: 11: the more of an emotional connection you have with your partner, and the longer you stay in physical contact with your partner, the longer the "afterglow" lasts. This is part of why we remain interested in petting and cuddling. 12: Men CAN be multiply orgasmic during a single 'run', however, it is not pleasurable, in fact, it is intensely painful, and leaves us sore and shaky for at least a week afterward. (I speak from personal experience here, other men might not have this reaction to the experience, and most I've talked to say it's never happened to them.) 13: Many men are tightly coiled springs of repression and embarrassment about their sexuality, trying to fit themselves into a badly fitting mold of what their society perceives as the 'ideal' man. In most of the world, this includes not admitting they are gay, or bisexual. 14: Additionally, in large parts of the USA and Europe, this includes not admitting that what they really want from a woman most of the time, is not precisely sex, but just physical intimacy, which their culture says is only permissible leading up to, during, or after sex. They want sex, yes, but what they want more is the skin-to-skin touching that comes with it, and if they could have that whenever they wanted without needing to have sex to get it, they would accept it and be happier. 15: That said, we do want and need frequent sex, daily, ideally, but we want to be physically intimate with our partners multiple times a day. However, we are told from a young age that this is only for women, and many of us resent that privilege bitterly. (I'm lucky that I was raised by my mother, who is very smart and explained all of this to me.) 16: Furthermore, males are different in our sexual appetites as we age. While all humans desire sex more strongly in our youth, men's appetites decline more rapidly than females but reach a stable plateau state earlier. And tend not to terminally drop off until far later in life. (On average in both cases.)
Some great observations in here, really (I like Xenolan's #7). But, I also feel like it's information overload. Get a little into your head what your *character* is about, what makes them tick, and you don't have to worry about any male/female stuff except organs. Because, you should have a personality that you're channeling, not a gender. But... I'm a male who writes primarily females, because its more fun and interesting for me. So, whatever. Also, for what it is worth, I've never experienced Nemo's #12... so don't take it as gospel (though the personality quirk might be interesting, one of those little things to add dimension).
I'd say your 'girl with a penis' is probably the better (not so) extreme, if you can't break the cycle. I'd also say (without actually reading your writing) that you're probably over thinking the differences, and losing confidence where you don't need to.
I do mention on number 12 that most men I've talked to have never gone there. (and ergo didn't know it was possible till I told them.)
This is an interesting thread. I wish that a similar list was compiled for a female perspective. Then, we could create a thread with a compilation of female vs male perspective - as a tool for writers
Um... no... You usually have an orgasm with ejaculation, then come down. After some recovering time, you can get up again. (I wouldn't call that multiple orgasms.) If you just go on after ejaculation, it might allow maintaining the erection but creates sensory overflow which usually isn't that pleasurable. On the other hand, you can also reach an orgasm-like state without ejaculation (dry orgasm?) which only leads to a slight decrease in arousal, allowing you to go on. (That's what I would call male multiple orgasms.) Then, there might also be something in between. I once saw an authentic looking clip where the man ejaculated thrice in a row.
Gene, did you even finish reading what I said? Let me remind you of the next line: This IS real, it has happened to me. Next time you say that I'm lying about my life experiences just because you've never experienced it I will report the post as harassment, and I'm only not doing it this time as a courtesy. Stand up, dust off your pants, and walk away.
surely... so I'll quote you again... I simply disagreed with the universal nature of your statement as it isn't true in all cases which is explained in the rest of my post.
Getting back on topic: much of both male and female experience and behavior is cultural: there is one tribe in Africa, (I don't know which one, I only read about them in college and that was a decade ago, ) where the men wear the makeup and so on and the women propose etc. There is also a tribe (I think the same one, though I'm not sure, ) where shouting is considered taboo except in dire emergencies, and anyone who is loud is believed to be possessed by an angry ancestor spirit, which is dealt with by having people mentor them and religious-based talk therapy. Just picture that for a second, a culture, (I'm assuming I'm remembering correctly and it's the same tribe, ) where men learn dancing and how to do makeup in order to get a wife to propose, and no one ever shouts unless the village is on fire or something... Now consider whether that 'girl with a dick' type of writing is actually that far off the mark...
