Hey guys, I'd love if you could read my new erotica story- "Fucking Lena" https://chyoa.com/story/Fucking-Lena.20239?game=reset Logline- You've always been a slacker, but somehow managed to keep Lena by your side. A strange series of events will open your possibilities for MMF and FFM threesomes, lesbian fucking and cheating. I would love to hear your feedback but please be gentle! It's my first time writing an erotic story of this caliber. You have different options and can choose different chapters. This range from things to say to ways of fucking. There's 18710 words in total, you can get different amounts depending on what you choose. I'm interested mostly on these aspects- Is it well written, hot and believable? Is there balance between the sex scenes and the more expository parts? What would you change or improve for the next time? Thanks a lot and I hope you enjoy it.
Okay, I haven't read all of it, obviously, but first impressions: 1) You've put a lot of work into this! 60 chapters, 24 deep, 18+k total wordcount, even a picture or two. The linked chapters work generally smoothly - I think I ran into one dead end - and the prose is very consistent. Or or two little missed periods and things like that, but grammar, spelling, and punctuation are generally all in place. Good job! Sex scenes are capable. Solid job on the anatomy and positioning, I never really wondered where everybody's body and junk were with regard to each other. Personally, I'd prefer a little more time taken on how they feel, emotionally, physically - what you have is fine, don't get me wrong. The emotional investment in the act isn't always as intense as I might hope; the protagonist doesn't seem as hurt or excited by potential betrayal (by himself or Lena) as he might be. He gets a morning blowjob as a matter of course, there's little real investment in it for him. Maybe that's what you were going for though, given that he's supposed to be pretty shallow. 2) I think the balance is okay. Personally, I prefer a little more introspection, a little more getting-into-the mood...but I think you do a very solid job of setting up the sex scenes, and giving the reader a breather between the quick fap at the beginning versus the longer sex-scenes that you have as payoff deeper into the story. 3) Most of the time in your chapters, there's a good bit of variety in the sentence structure, but your first chapter has the majority of the paragraphs start with "You" or "Yours" - this is understandable since it's a second-person narrative, but it's a bit glaring starting off, and you manage to largely avoid this in later chapters. You might want to consider tweaking this. I'm not entirely sure you need a game mode; at least, there doesn't seem to be a lot of variables or chapters triggered by those variables yet, but I haven't tried out all the paths. If you're going to have variables, they should be something relevant to the choices the character can/has to make.
Wow, thank you so much! This is very useful to me, I will 100% apply it on my next story. Do you happen to remember when the dead end was? Just so I can correct it, I thought I hadn't missed any! Also the game mode isn't really functioning. I tried it at first but quickly gave it up due to it being too complicated... Guess I should remove it! Thanks again, VVS
First, wow, I am impressed you posted all those chapters in one day! How long have you been working on it to get it ready for launch? Second, I like how you began the story, getting right to the point. Many authors (including myself) fall into the trap of beginning a story with a lot of background, which I think is a big mistake. My only criticism is that I didn't feel that invested with the main character or his girlfriend. Maybe a bit more personality should be put in? However, I tend to prefer character development and interaction over a straight up sex scene, so I might not be the right one to give advice on this matter. Overall, it is well done first story. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you! Im so glad you enjoyed it. I already started writing my second sex story, "The Pledge", if you want, you can read the first few chapters right here: https://chyoa.com/story/The-Pledge.20359 I tried applying more what you said about being more invested in the characters. I noticed this does come with the downside of having less sex scenes, or having them more elongated in between, since you need to support them with character development. Im so happy that you liked the beggining. I wanted to start it right on the action, even if I didn't do the same for this new one. Overall, it took around four days of intense writing to finish the story. However, I did take some breaks. Overall, it took me one week to complete it, with four of those days being the ones I "worked" on. Im so glad you got a chance to read it and thanks again for the feedback! VVS
Did you write 18k+ words in a week? That's it, I give up. I give up on you, on this story, on my writing career, on trying to achieve Story of the Week, on this site: I'm flat out done, I can't compete. Sorry for being melodramatic, but if you hadn't wasted your talents by coming here you could be a career writer by now, and good luck with your new story.
Whoa! Thank you so much! However, you shouldn't give up... I still have a lot to learn, it's just that I enjoy writing so much I tend to get really focused on it for a few intense days. It's a lot of writing in a few days, and then I just get exhausted and take a long break... Mostly it's just a matter of discipline though. I don't feel like I'm wasting my talents though, this site is beautiful, and I really enjoy it! Thanks for the encouragement, but keep writing! It's important! Also, hit me up if you want to collaborate. V
