Cringiest Lines in Porn/Erotica?

There are certain lines that just make me CRINGE and totally put me out of the mood.

The classic exchange that you may all know is...

"We can't do that, you're my BLANK!"

"Step-BLANK!"

"Oh, All right then."

Yeah, instant... ugh... fantasy ruined. Because you're half assing it at that point. It's as bad as a "I'm OK!" right after a cartoon character gets smashed flat by a boulder.

Another one for me that just ruins stories for me is the sleazy guy with obvious lines that the love interest goes for to prove that being a decent human being doesn't get you laid. I don't mind if it's believable, but the cheesy one liners and negging tutorial scenes just... ruin it for me.

 

I can't really harsh on people about the step-sister thing since that's just the specific fetish. The same way I sometimes prefer a character half-stripped instead of full nude or giving a butt job but not anal, sometimes the "safe option" is just the person's preference.

Of course, wanting not to see that is also a matter of your own preference! So that's very fair.

I don't like to dwell on the negative, but if I had to pick one, it would be stories that open with a character looking their whole body over in a mirror in the first chapter. It's not a full stop for me, but it does throw me out a bit.

It's kind of like a step away from just describing it through narrator's exposition, but with the added weirdness that your character is a weirdo who either regularly or by coincidence decided to scope out the above-average size of their penis today.

I'd encourage writers to either keep it vague, find a way to address it smoothly later in the story, or maybe even just give the bare minimum through some thin exposition that doesn't wear out its welcome if you can't think of another way. Unless your character is a narcissist or there is something unusual about their body, the full-body, in-character inspection always seems like a weird thing to start with.

 

"She had perfect C-cup breasts..." or its ilk.

It seems most (male) writers on CHYOA have absolutely no conception of how bras work. First off, indicating cup size alone is utterly meaningless. An A-cup bra and an F-cup bra can conceivably fit exactly the same size of breast. It is only a good measure of size when coupled with the band size; for instance, the average bra size in the US is 34DD. Double D isn't actually that unusual, because it's not necessarily super huge. Second, bra sizes work differently between countries and even different manufacturers. The average bra size in Australia is 14C or 12D, but that doesn't mean American women are three times the size of Aussies. Finally, there is no way you can get even a ballpark measurement through clothing, or the exact size without clothing, just by sight. It's difficult enough to work out a woman's bra size when you're measuring her with tape. Trust me, you'd need some crazy sci-fi tech to calculate a woman's bra size at a glance.

This is really good advice:

You should describe only aspects of a character that actually matter, either by being unusual or by being plot-relevant. For instance, the player character in Darkest Challenges is described as having, "the kind of curves that require decent undergarments when [she's] adventuring." Her breasts are large enough to warrant a bra when she's doing physical activity. This is important, because in the story, she does physical activity, meaning she wears a bra, which impacts Game Mode.

You don't need specific sizes to express general truths about your character, and you can express these traits in ways that actually show how they're important. Saying that a man "has a noticeable bulge in his pants" indicates that his penis is large enough to be noticeable. Saying a woman "brushes her hair behind her shoulder" indicates that her hair is at least long enough to reach below her shoulders.

Also, I really like the sound of a character who's narcissistic enough to contemplate their own sex appeal in the mirror, for some reason.

 

I'd say the quick combination (or permutation) of "double D breast" "big ass" "ten inches cock", I always stop reading after that.

Also I have a bit of a thing with people describing woman breasts and bottoms as big meaning it in a non derogative way.
I get that in the U.S. bigger is better and the trend of these last years has steered towards a Kim Kardashian body-type, but to me, a 'big butt' isn't sexy at all.

 

This isn't usually within a single line, but a thing that irks me is when every character is god-tier perfect beautiful. This happens both in stories where there's way too much description anyway, and where visual elements are discreetly peppered in as it goes. If everyone, hero or villain, MC or side-character is not only void of traits that could be considered defects, but also are consistently said to have a perfect this or a perfact that, it takes away a big source of potential conflict. I want to see people getting worked up about the less glamourous parts of their appearance, and maybe being reassured by their partners that it doesn't matter or that it's compensated by other traits etc. etc. Everybody being good-looking is a wasted opportunity.

 

In a similar lane to the police line-up descriptions of '5 foot 5 blonde with DD cup breasts', anyone who tries to break down sex into super specific scientific detail (I remember one line of dialog where a character stated something along the lines "That's because I was hitting your cul-de-sac, AKA your *scientific name*). Obviously you should put down more than just 'he put his penis in her vagina and they had a good time', but getting too detailed just takes me out of it. I've always felt its better to paint a picture rather than write a report when it comes to erotica.

Also dramatic shifts in tone when it comes to describing genitalia can be a bit jarring. Whilst variety can be good, going from 'cock' to something as silly as 'meat popsicle' just kills it. Plus describing the penis as any sort of 'meat' is turn off for me, but that's just personal preference.

 

Thanks to everybody for chiming in!
Another one that drives me kinda nuts is when there's clearly one word that turns on the author for some reason. You don't see it as much any more, thank goodness, but back in the old days of erotica, there were authors that would use the word "Action" like it was a clit and hammer on it repeatedly.

 

Not a direct quote but on a topic, I covered before. Measurements. How is this a good way to describe anything and not just stupid?

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Can anyone just automatically in their heads know what that’s supposed to mean? Like just mentally be like “oh, yeah. That’s almost three cubic inches off the standard deviance!” Like...come on. Even I’m not that huge of a pervert or a big enough nerd to know what in the fuck measurement sizes are supposed to mean.

 

There are a few anatomically impossible bits which always knock me out - cervix pounding and penetration (especially as something pleasurable!) normally isn't a thing I dig, cum inflation or o-ring orifices in an otherwise realistic story, mutual climaxes every time, instant impregnation without magic or super-science being involved...

...having said all that, I'm equally sure that I've done all of that but always with some lead-up or explanation. Nobody just starts slamming impossible genitals together and then it's instant babies ever after. The suspension of sexual disbelief has to be maintained, dammit!

 

Girl : what a boring/unpleasant guy
Guy : [opens pants]
Girl : oh my God, what a huge cock! Please fuck me!

I understand the fascination with big genitalia. But if a male's desirability is constantly reduced to the size of his penis I find this sloppy writing at best.

Also I find it curious that there is such a demand for diverse body types for women in stories while positively characterized men must always have(often unlikely) large cocks.

I mean I understand that penis size is a chiffre for sexual prowess in porn, but I am surprised that it is so ubiquitous.

 

I hate when there is a brutal rape scene that goes a long way to describe how horribly the victim feels and then something like "her body betrays her and she starts enjoying it" happens.

 

Personally, I like to describe breasts with comparison to everyday stuff (usually fruit). saying something along the lines of "Her tiny tits were shaped like a light bulb. The puffy flesh of her areola's pull her nipples down and to the sides and cover a large part of the end of her breast." is a better description than "She has pointy B-cup tits"

I feel like sometimes people don't realize that while sex can be very deliberate, it can also be very messy with sweaty bodies pressing against each other and a sense of "I don't know what I grabbed, but I like it". Generally in the throe's of passion, you aren't going to know where every body part and phalange is and that's how accidents happen.

 

This is fine... I find that, reading comparative descriptions back to myself, I often need to make so many clarifications that the comparison becomes irrelevant. For example, if you describe a busty woman as having "breasts like watermelons," the reader will interpret them as having both the size and shape of watermelons, which is rather unrealistic - gravity is a thing. You could say "breasts as large as watermelons," or "breasts like watermelons, except in shape," but then you're conveying no more information than "big boobs." Similes are more natural under certain conditions in a momentary, active sense, such as, "Lying upon her back emphasised her pert breasts, like gentle hills in a pale landscape," or, "His cock was like a pestle: rigid, bulbous at its end, and grinding his partner's loins to smithereens."

 

I'm inclined to agree, but at the same time it is half-true. There are accounts from rape victims of them feeling pleasure from the experience...There was a longstanding myth that men couldn't get raped by women because if they really truly didn't want it, then they wouldn't have had an erection, or an orgasm. And accounts from men and women suggest that pleasure they felt was one of the hardest parts to deal with afterwards.

Keep in mind that "feeling pleasure" and "enjoying it" are two different things. I think it is super lame when a woman who obviously doesn't want it suddenly degrades into actually wanting it "for reasons". Its probably a way for the writer to soften the blow for themselves more than anything.

 

Personally, I don’t enjoy the realistic version of rape. It’s really not my idea of fun for characters to scream or cry. It’s just uncomfortable and doesn’t work well with trying to make generally enjoyable scenes.

 

I don't really like anything where the interracial aspect is the only point of a sex scene, especially if there's a huge amount of focus on certain things like dick size and masculinity. I always feel like there's some sinister and mean-spirited undertones, even if people are enjoying it harmlessly.

 

Note that I said "brutal rape". Some time ago, I read a story (not on chyoa) in which elf was anally raped by an ogre. At first, the author was describing how awful and painful that was and then switched to straight pleasure, something like "she never felt better in her entire life". This is what I hate not any situation in which victims feel pleasure.

 

"Flip a switch" is somewhere between a kink and a trope, and it has its place - but it's one of those things that the reader usually needs to expect going in. If you set it up as a choice the reader makes - chapter A versus chapter B - I think it's fine. If some sort of magic or mind control or super-science is involved, you can speed up "the embrace" moment. But as most folks above mentioned, it's unrealistic; an instantaneous change in perspective without build-up or excuse is just bad writing.

 

Actual content for this thread: I cringe when a TG story involves action to the effect of "Hmm, I seem to have been magically transformed into a woman. Guess I'd better go straight to the mall and buy a whole new wardrobe!" (1. Who goes to the mall these days -- even when there's not a pandemic? 2. Who has the financial wherewithal to just casually decide to buy a whole new wardrobe?)

 

What, never seen swirly boobs before? You shouldn't shame women for their body shape, you know, even if the shape in question is reminiscent of a spiral of whipped cream.