Cringiest Lines in Porn/Erotica?

I know that you're being facetious, but in my defense... I was referring to the older, incandescent bulb. I can't find the image now, but was in reference to a topless image that I saw just a few days ago. She had small breasts and it looked like her larger than usual areolas and her nipples were pulling the flesh of her breast down and away from her body which created a shape that did look like a light bulb.

Spoiler

 

So it's not the "bulb" pointing down but the "thread"?

 

I guess it's possible and more common for the shape to be the other way, but breasts shaped like that tend to be larger and I would refer to them as more of a "teardrop" shape.

 

Cringiest line in porn? All Of Them, once you've thrown the tissues in the bin and lean back in your chair...

Jokes aside, here are some of my stylistic pet peeves:

Photos/images in the story: I know this is a point of contention, but I like to imagine the characters myself and having some generic Megan Foxoid in a skimpy shirt thrust before my eyeballs just kills all enthusiasm or mood.

Measuring the Marigolds: I do not know what DD size means. I don't know how much 12 inches is. I do know what "huge and bouncy" of "intimidatingly long" means. This also applies to overly specific age descriptions. Just write Teen>20s>30s>40s>Middle-Aged>Older>Ooold

Porn movie dialogue: This can work depending on the character or how it's written, but if someone is established as cute/conservative/demure/shy/reserved they probably shouldn't be yelling "Fuck me with your fucking fuckstick you fucking fuckstud my fucking fuckhole feels so fucking good fuck I'm fucking cooming aaaa!" after just a few thrusts.
Again, can work, but I generally don't like the dialogue to sound like Mr. Kouhei
( )

Overly archaic or modern language in a Fantasy setting: This one's really unfair because you have to thread a needle, but I find both forced Hey-Nonny-Hoisms and overly loose modern language to be a bit ridiculous. You have to find the balance between "He placed hys mannehood athwart yor princess' shapely visage with full greate couráge." and "My mans plonked his boner onto the princess' face like it was no B."

 

Another thing that drives me crazy:

I hate when in transformation stories some straight guy, who somehow gets into a superhot (sic) female body, immediately starts fucking everything with a dick.

 

I would add that there is a kink/fetish called consenual non-consent; the sub gives consent prior to the scene that involves it. Then the scene happens that is the non-consensual part. This should only be done between a sub and dom who have been in a relationship for a very long time.

Extremely controversial obviously, but it is rather rare to find. Its either straight up rape or just really rough sex. In video porn, you would need to track down the part where the sub gives consent. On here, you can just have a chapter dedicated to the setup and have one or two before the scene.



For the things that I find cringy:

The guy is louder than the woman. I prefer the guy to be quiet, since I like to imagine myself as the guy.

The step-mom/step-son trend. Especially when it involves that fucking ass. You know the guy. Looks like an adult teen that hasn't mentally aged since he was 15.

Wearing a strapon while getting fucked. There is a site that has this in a few lesbian threesome videos. IIRC, its in "Riley Reed's 'first' lesbian DP".

Might not be considered cringe, but still turns me right off; foreskin. See the first point.

 

Hey, that's my username

 

Loud foreskins are the worst.

 

I guess either nobody understood my joke or it was so bad that it didn't deserve any reply. I think chances of latter are more.

But I guess since I have wasted your time by that ridiculous joke. I should reply to the original question as well.

First of all, let me tell you I am not 100% sure what "cringe" means. I started hearing this word a lot a few months ago. I tried to search the meaning on the internet and got "to feel disgust" but it didn't really fit that context and since then I've heard it used in many different ways which made me even more confused. So when I found this post instead of replying to the question I just made a ridiculous joke.

Assuming "cringe" means "bad",

I don't like it when an erotic story has a very long passage just describing something that is not that useful. One reason might be, I am not that good a writer myself that I can paint a picture with my words so I get jealous. But mainly I like to imagine things and if it is not really important to the plot, there is no need to write a lot of words to describe it just to flex your literature muscle(if the meaning is lost in the translation just assume it says "show off"). I mean, we are talking about sex stories so showing off literature skill is cringe, right. Plus there is a saying about a Russian gun (I don't remember the name) that basically means don't mention something if you don't plan to use it.

I also hate it when people write something that looks like a real life event. I think porn stories should be as far away from real life as possible just so that I don't feel guilty about it.

But that is my opinion, if you disagree, I can't stop you writing about real life but maybe CHYOA should(moderators this is a suggestion for a rule if you agree)

Edit:

This is a good joke.

 

I agree. Though I think quality writing is important even in erotica, it's generally annoying when someone rambles in a description, and problem is particularly severe on CHYOA. I just read a story that would dedicate some 100-200 words to description every single time a character undressed. Which happened a lot.

Check the third-last line of the rules. It's already not allowed to post true stories. To be fair, that doesn't apply to all those Kidnap And Fuck Emma Watson Bimbofication ENF stories, since they never actually happened. I still don't think they're entirely a good idea, but I suppose there's a precedent for allowing them.

 

I was talking about the inspired stuff. I have read the rules but I still think even inspired from real life should have a limit if you are just taking real life events and making it more intense it shows and it makes me uncomfortable knowing some parts of what I am reading really happened.

I have seen stories on this site that looks like real life events just intensified.

 

You may be referring to Chekhov's gun.

Also, to my understanding, to cringe about something is more akin to feel embarassment in place of the writer rather than disgust.
It's like when you read or see something and you say "Please, not this shit again!" to yourself.

Being overly pretentious when writing erotica usually makes me cringe too.
But the opposite too, being very crude and slangy, has the same effect.
Every story has a lexicon which fits.

 

As a counterpoint, strip-teases are my fetish, so if someone wants to go really in detail describing a character undressing I'm here for it. I often prefer that to the sex.

 

Ah yes, sometimes the anticipation is better than the act. It's like unwrapping a birthday/Christmas present.

 

Something like this


Or maybe this



Whatever floats your boat.

 

It was more a figure of speech, but that should work too, I suppose.

 

Of course now you all have THIS running through my head.



Just laughing because it's amazing how many different tastes there are out there. Thanks for all the comments, and made me feel a hell of a lot better to know that there's some folks who actually find my writing style annoying and cringy! (Most of the time folks just nope out instead of commenting, since there's no dislike function and registering disapproval on this site is harder than registering approval.)

Thanks to everybody who chimed in!

 

Cringiest for me is probably a chapter I actually wrote a while back.

I feel that most of my writing on this site still holds up, but there's one chapter that's just awful. It has quite a few grammar errors and the dialogue feels like captain exposition talking to an echo chamber. It's pretty much turned me off continuing the thread because I just want to pretend it doesn't exist.

 

For me it's a messing metric I'm not familiar with. The most frequent being feet or inches. It's really distracting to have to wonder how big something may be and if it's even relevant. Sometimes though, if someone gives a measurement which I understand and is a bit too implausibly big, I'm put off by it. If it's a dick for example that's described as 40cm when flacid I'd rather it had jus been described as a monster dick.

 

I dont k ow if this counts but it was a scene describing sex in a novel. Funnily enough, one by a relatively accomplished writer.
Crescent city, house of blood and earth by Sarah J. Maas.

I shit you not, a cock was described as "velvet wrapped steel"... funniest shit I've ever seen