Never written a story before and was wondering if anyone could let me know what they think of this before I publish it. It was late one summer evening when davy was sitting in his car with his girlfriend Emma beside him in the passenger seat. They were parked in a quiet spot at the top of a large hill where you could see all of the surrounding countryside below. Both of them loved coming here late in the evening, drinking, talking and enjoying the view together till it got dark. They didn't get much good weather in Northern Ireland, even during the summer, so these rare moments where the evenings were clear and warm were special to them. "How's work?" she asked "I remember you said you had a new boss running your division." Davy smiled a little "that cunt couldn't run a bath" he said and laughed softly. Emma knew he didn't like his new boss much but she always liked to tease him about it. "What about you?" he said. "Its not easy, some people just don't appreciate you even though you're trying your best for them. But I met you so I can't really complain" laughed Emma. Emma was a nurse, her and davy had met when he was in hospital. "Yeah there's worse sights you could wake up to" he teased. "A good looking woman like me, you probably thought you were in heaven" "if it was heaven what would I be doing there?" he teased again with them both laughing this time. Leaning toward her boyfriend slightly Emma asked "are you free tomorrow?" "yeah why?" "I've got something a bit naughty I'd like us to try." " The couple were no strangers to risky fun when naked, they both had a slight exhibitionist streak and loved the adrenaline rush they got from it. Although Emma had a great imagination and came up with most of the ideas for their adventures it was Davy who gave her the confidence to see them through. She trusted him and felt safe with him, a fact she often communicated to him. "what is it?" he asked, already intrigued. He gazed into her gentle blue eyes as they lit up when she began to explain her plan. "Ok. So I was thinking we could go to the pool and have a little fun, like you leave me naked in the changing cubicle for a few minutes or something." Emma was nervous but her telltale shy smile showed how excited she was about her little idea. "I like the sound of that" said Davy with a smile of his own. "You must like it a fair bit" Emma giggled, her eyes gesturing at the bulge in his trousers. "I like you better," Davy's eyes were now locked with Emma's. "Prove it" she said, with that Davy leaned over and kissed her. It didn't take long before their clothes came off and they did what they had done so many other nights before in this spot.
Well, even though I've been off the main site for years, I still have experience with things. The first is careful editing. We all make mistakes and errors, from time to time, but always double and triple check before posting anything. A friend of mine, Reigns(At least I consider him a friend, I don't know their feelings about it.) is not a native born English speaker, but I do remember they have multiple editors to help them. Having someone like that in your corner, is very helpful. It's okay to break segments into paragraphs and just s a personal rule, words like said or exclaimed aren't necessary. "I love you." "I love you." She said. When you compare them, you can see the contrast in messages. The said takes away from the tone of the message. If your characters have enough personality and you edit things carefully anyway, people won't get confused to whose talking anyway. And secondly, this is a hard lesson for new and upcoming writers, but when you put your work out there on the Internet, you open up the door to be judged and need to be prepared for the fact that it's not always going to be positive, but as long as you take that negative feedback and use it to adapt or grow on your weaker areas, that's how you'll improve.
Spacing is also appreciated. And just like what Auraicide above said, telling us who exactly is talking, can dispel some confusion. Of course, this isn't necessary when there are only two people talking, and they were already introduced. Finally, in my opinion, some free editing programs can be handy such as Google Docs, Microsoft Word, or Grammarly, as they immediately detect some problems that your paragraphs may have. For example:
You have a few layers of problems. I'll list them in order of how "surface-level" they are: how obvious they appear to the reader and how easy to solve they should be. At a glance: your writing is in one huge block of text. It needs to be broken up into much smaller paragraphs to be readable. As a rule, you should have a new line every time the speaker in dialogue changes. There are strict errors in the text. Names should begin with a capital letter. You're missing quite a few commas. You should also do research into correct dialogue tags and punctuation (for the record, Auraicide's example is also incorrect - it's a common mistake). The prose is simple and awkward. When you set the scene, don't just dump unfiltered information onto the reader like you're making a police report. Instead, try being more subtle and using varied and emotionally effective language to immerse the reader. For instance, instead of randomly interjecting the dialogue with narrated explanations, try having characters imply that information in their speech, actions or thoughts. The characters' conversation isn't natural. They seem to have just started talking, which doesn't make any sense unless Davy is picking Emma up and she's only now entered the car. The sudden change in topic to their relationship - "But I met you so I can't really complain" - is unnatural, unless you're trying to demonstrate that the character is making a deliberate effort to be romantic, in which case you could improve clarity. The way you've structured this section is imperfect. If the point of this passage is to explain the characters' plan, then the first half is unnecessary; nothing happens that develops the story you're trying to tell. If you're trying to develop the characters, you would be better off intertwining it with more interesting or relevant prose in order to keep the reader's attention. Also, this is a pornographic site. Fading to black when they start to have sex is not only unnecessary, but actively detrimental to maintaining your audience.
Keep in mind, none of this input is intended to belittle or discourage you, but keep in mind when you're ready to go public, that's up against a lot of very judgmental people. That shouldn't scare you from writing anything, but the reality is, it's much easier for other writers on the meta level to be kind to other authors than it is for the audience who doesn't see any of the behind the scenes stuff when it comes to judging whether they view something as good or not. And honestly, they are right to feel that way. Something doesn't need to be perfect to go public. I have a number of old attempts at stories that I've either deleted or I like to pretend don't exist with how my writing skills improved over the years, but the point isn't too really be about me at all. The fact is you're first few attempts, honestly, probably aren't going to be winning any gold medals. And that's okay. Too many people get caught up in needing to compare themselves to big stories and major authors, but all that will do is drive you to insanity and feeling insecure instead of looking at the improvements in your own skills and writing. Focus on you and your audience. Listen to your crowd, and value them as more than just a numbers game. Remember the people who brought you up one day, can always bring you back down, the next. This sounds like it would all be obvious, right? So, if it's so simple and obvious advice, then why isn't it something we do more often then? Fact is, the Internet is rife with insecurities and mental health issues. Those who aren't prepared for it and let any metric of popularity go to their heads, will develop Inferiority Superiority complexes when they realize just how easily that can all be taken away, and as a result, end up bitter and depressed. Internet fame is not the be all and end all of human achievement. Don't write or create works with the expectation to get famous, but just have fun with it. Acknowledge not everything you do will be perfect, and grow from it. I really think that's the most important thing any aspiring writers should remember.
That really drives the point home on me, as I am one of the aspiring writers. And sorry, I have 'fix' some of your errors and mistakes with Grammarly. The red text doesn't sit well with me.
