https://chyoa.com/story/Abduction!.11594 Hey all! Danger here. I'd love to get some feedback on my story Abduction! In Abduction you're a bit of a nerdy guy who has a run-in with some transformation-happy aliens. Shoot me a message or leave a comment here with any suggestions. Feel free to contribute too.
Well, I like that you include many details, actually hitting on the character development side. Sadly, I haven't read that much of it yet, so not sure how else to respond. Just wanted to let you know, at least early, it is nice to see some actual character development. Edit: Okay, I have read through all the options. It seems like there is a bit too much of a rush for the main character to have sex with Tyler. Like she is overwhelmed with the sudden urge that removes her thought process, and like Tyler takes advantage of her confusion and strange urges to just have sex with her. It just feels like some development was skipped to get to the sex scenes. "Hey, I have a pussy, I want to fuck him". I think there could be more development there. Taking things slower. Eventually, leading up to sex with Tyler, and with Tyler acting more like a friend, that helps her adjust, rather than an opportunistic asshole, deciding to take advantage of Alex's new pussy.
Thanks for the feedback DirtyMe! I'll keep working on developing the characters. Part of what makes the sex hot is that they aren't just blank people bumping up against each other. A big part of this story is the humiliation going on. Our hero is very confused (and unnaturally excitable). They don't want to be so turned on. That, and the fact that Tyler is kind of an opportunistic asshole are elements that add to that humiliation. There are a few sex scenes right now. Do they all feel rushed or was there a specific plot thread?
Sorry, this post will be long. First, I guess, since I am a female, that I am thinking about it from a female point of view. It just seems the reactions are a little strange. Maybe to you they seem normal... Here is what I see for scenarios: Alex in Tyler's body Alex in ex girlfriend's body Alex in his own body, but now his body is female. So, for Alex in Tyler's body, it's not like he will need to worry about the gender issues. Perhaps he can take advantage of the draw that others have towards Tyler. He can take advantage of his ex, or just use his new body to "get back at her", if he is the petty type. I did like how you displayed some of the adjustments, of them taking steps, how Alex has a different height than he was used to, so he stumbles, expecting the ground to be in one place, but suddenly is somewhere else. Now, for the ex girlfriend's body and his own body now female, it is a different situation. For the ex girlfriend, lets say Alex has had some interest in experimenting with men, he could potentially experiment using his ex's body. But, nothing has hinted that Alex has sexual interest towards men, or a secret crush on Tyler. It seems more he is only attracted to women. This is where it seems to fall apart in character development. Perhaps you have a different viewpoint, but from a female viewpoint, it makes no sense. The human brain is the biggest sexual organ we have. You may not always be able to control how your body reacts, but you will still have a mental reaction. I mean, when Alex becomes a female, it seems like you are saying "Hey, penis, body automatically says beautiful, gets ready to fuck". But, this doesn't work. You can clearly see Alex's mind inside the female body. So, wouldn't he see a penis, and suddenly be like "NO HOMO!". For changes in the mind, well, it seems it would take time before the hormonal change starts actually normalizing attraction towards men. His female body would not react in the same way. If, because of whatever happened to him, suddenly completely feminized his mind, well, women still don't work that way. We are not guys. We do not say "Boobies, want to fuck NOW". Seeing a penis is not going to cause a woman to suddenly become overwhelmed with lust. It just makes no sense. Alex would still be thinking like a guy. I can imagine him in the bathroom, looking at the mirror, goes "boobies, hehe" and testing himself. But, to see Tyler and go "Fuck it fuck it fuck it! God I am wet", well, makes no sense. Now, there is another issue. You already said Tyler is an oppotunistic asshole, but at this point, he has been more of a protective figure towards Alex. Why would he suddenly shift like this? I mean, if he really has no self control when he sees a female, then he is a rapist and seems like he should already be in prison. But, I could imagine a situation like this. Tyler keeping him company as he comes to grips with this sudden shift. Maybe they hang out, watch a movie, some sports, plays some video games. Whatever they would do when they were just hanging out and bonding. I could easily imagine, guys being guys, Tyler asking "Can I see them (Breasts)". I could imagine Alex, at first torn, but realizing that, yeah, he would do the same thing, want to see them, and showing them to Tyler. I could see it progressing, as he is playing a game, letting Tyler touch. I could see it going too far at some point, and eventually they end up having sex. I mean, people can get caught up in the moment, go to far. But, I could also see Alex completely freaking the fuck out. I guess I like making my stories have interesting twists. Tyler, pushing against Alex's pussy. Suddenly, Alex realizes what is about to happen, panics, and runs screaming from the room. But, there should be some development, how they suddenly handle this life changing event. Lots of questions, doubting, and general awkwardness. I couldn't see them rushing into sex. Here, let me try to put how I would write something. "Wow, Alex, is that really you?" Tyler's mouth hung open, not understanding what was going on. The girl in front of him was cute, but it was definitely Alex. Those eyes, watching him, so unsure. Glints of fear, and amazement, and so many emotions going through, reflected in his own eyes no doubt. Alex nodded. "Yes. I...I...I just woke up like this. Man, what the hell!" Alex seemed on the verge of breaking down, of throwing up, of panicking. Like an animal, caged, trapped, unsure what to do, where to go, or how to even make sense of its current situation. "Calm down," Tyler replied. His hands made soothing motions, which did nothing to sooth Alex. "Let's go play some Xbox." Alex nodded, unsure what else to do. They fired up the game, Tyler catching peeks of Alex out of the corner of his eye. He could not get over it. Alex was hot as a woman. If it was a random stranger, he would definitely try to get her to bed. In face, being honest to himself, even knowing it was Alex, he would still try to get her to bed. After a while, Tyler dead again, waiting for Alex to die, he finally steeled himself. "Dude, can I, you know, see them?" Alex looked out of the corner of her eye. She knew exactly what Tyler met. At first, it was strange, his friend asking her to show her chest. But, after thinking about it, Alex realized, she would have said the same. I mean, your friend just grew breasts! Of course you have to see them. After a few moments of paused game and awkward silence, Alex slid her shirt up, baring her new breasts, then, took it off. Not like she was never shirtless in front of Tyler, but still awkward knowing, well, she had breasts, so maybe should hide them. It was all so disorienting. Alex felt Tyler staring at her chest. "God, I hope this isn't permanent", Alex thought to himself. It was so difficult to think of himself as a her. She felt a blush creep over her, not quite understanding why. It was just too strange. Tyler gently reached out, pushing the flesh of Alex's breast. The sudden poke made Alex jump, lose concentration, and die in her game. "Dude, what the fuck! I said you could look. Don't touch!" Tyler grinned at Alex. "Comon! You know you would do the same thing." Alex didn't know what to say. Tyler was right. She would have done the same. They stared at each other, Alex shifting more and more. Finally, she dropped her head, looking down at her lap, unable to meet Tyler's face again. "Okay," Alex said quietly. Tyler jumped at the chance, grabbing Alex's new breasts, fondling and squeezing. Then, he got to the nipples. Alex jumped a bit. They were so...sensitive. She fought the urge to stop Tyler, or to moan, or, well, she wasn't sure. She just knew that it was doing something to her. She had to move, to stand up. Alex broke the contact, standing up, turning away from Tyler. She wasn't sure how to handle all this. Yeah, it was, interesting, the feelings that Tyler spread through her body, or at least that his hands did, playing with her nipples. But, a guy, touching her, probing her. It was just strange. Tyler stood up with Alex. He walked by, went to the kitchen, grabbing a six pack of beer. "I know. For now, we just need to calm you down. You are acting like such a girl," Tyler laughed at his own joke. Alex, being the butt of the joke, just groaned and rolled her eyes. They both opened a beer, turned on a game, and watched it, drinking. (Well, you can fill in the details of what you do when you are bonding. Sorry, not much help here.) Tyler felt a bit tipsy, but started noticing the way Alex's words slurred. He offered Alex another beer, and neither of them though much about how Alex's decreased body mass, how her different metobolic structures, caused the beer to get her from tipsy to drunk quicker than expected. "So, anywaysh," Alex said, "It is just...strangsh. I mean, everyshing is, well, it is correct, for a girl. Even down there." Tyler grinned, realizing that his friend was more than a little drunk. "Really," he said, while not smoothly, it was still clear. His mind was a little fuzzy, but he had only had a couple beers. A pleasent buzz. Alex seemed to be more than a little drunk. "Can I see?" "Wesh, otay. I think I need to go hit the head." He stumbled up, and Tyler stood with her, half supporting Alex as she stumbled off to the bathroom. Alex pulled down her shorts, then reached for his penis to take aim and let loose. She frowned, her hand meeting nothing. "Oh, yeah," she mumbled to herself and Tyler. "No dick." She looked at Tyler. "Dick," she said to him. She set the toilet lid down, then sat down, and both of them watched as Alex went pee. It was odd, seeing it come from the pussy between her legs. For Tyler, it was just, well, great watching a chick pee. "I don't, I mean..." Alex stopped, trying to form the words. "It is all wet there," he said. Tyler handed her some toilet paper. "What do I sho with vis," Alex slurred. "Dude, you have seriously never seen a woman pee?" He chuckled. He knew Alex wasn't a virgin, but didn't realize Alex was this bad. "Just, you know, wipe it, like you would your ass." Alex tried, wet tissue clinging to her, tissue breaking off and leaving little white paper spots all over her pussy. "Umm," She said, not sure how to handle this. Tyler grabbed the shower, then turned it on gently, washing Alex off. It took a moment for Alex to realize that Tyler was washing her pussy off, and rubbing his hand along the lips. "That feels...funny." Tyler turned off the shower, put it back, then knelt in front of Alex. He placed his hands to each of Alex's knees, spreading them further apart. "How does this feel?" he asked, rubbing his fingers along Alex's pussy lips. "It feelsh sort of good," Alex said. She could feel her eyes wanting to slide shut, so closed them, focusing on the space between her legs. Tyler gently spread her pussy lips, then brought his hand to her clit, gently massaging it. "That feels good," Alex mumbled. Tyler grinned. His friend was too drunk to understand, so her body was just reacting naturally, the mind getting out of the way. Tyler flicked her clit, bringing a slight moan from Alex. He moved his fingers down, pushing the first into Alex's pussy. It was so tight. "When he turned into a female, did be become a virgin again," he briefly thought to himself. He grinned at the thought. Bringing his lips to Alex's breasts, he sucked on the nipples, already hard, as his finger worked inside of Alex. Alex moaned at him. It was a sound Tyler could not imagine his friend making. But this girl in front of him, that was different. Anyways, from there, things progress the way that sex would between a male and drunk female. You can imagine it. Each step makes sense. Each step a natural progression. Tyler being the asshole, taking advantage of Alex, but in a way that makes sense. Instead of Alex, having just changed, seeing a dick in front of her and going "I want it, I want it, I want it!" instead is drunk, so the nature of his new body kicks in, allowing him to do something he would not do, at least in my mind. I mean, if you suddenly turned into a female, what would you do, shout "No homo!" to try to get rid of the thought that, no matter what your body looks like right now, that you are a guy and that you aren't into guys that way? I mean, would you seriously just look at a dick and suddenly get all horny, when you have lived your life all these years and, well, never gotten horny from the sight of a dick? It makes no sense. I mean, if you want, you can make Alex suddenly super horny. Part of whatever was done to her when she was suddenly turned into a female. But, it still seems like it could flow better if it was reasonable, imaginable steps. I could imagine what I wrote above. I could also imagine what happens when Alex wakes up, remembers that he just fucked his friend, and freaks out. No way he would be all "Oh, we got drunk, and had sex, but hey, all good". It would take time. I don't know, it is your story. These are just my thoughts on it. Your story has some good elements, but seems like it could be more involving by addressing issues around the change. Make sex and exploration of her new body part of the story, but not all of it.
Oh wow! Those are some great suggestions. I'm definitely going to incorporate some of your ideas. This is going to remain one of those sex stories where people have sex fairly early on. Some more resistance on Alex's part, more inner conflict, will amp everything up though. I like that. We haven't hit the part of the story where Alex's weird behavior gets explained... Perhaps it has something to do with aliens. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK and find out how our hero fairs! (I doubt it will be well.)
