Hi. I've made my own mind control story, trying to make the kind that I like to read. I'd like to hear any thoughts from readers, but also get some answers to key questions: 1) In order to not have pages of sexless text, Will's power needed to be strong, but after 8 threads he's become the master of his domain. He needs a challenge to make the story interesting. Any ideas would be appreciated. 2) In thread 7.1 - Taking care of business, Will attempts to put Heather in her place. Aside from the photoshoot details there isn't much porn going on in this part. Did you consider this boring? I'm struggling with the amount of non-porn text that's acceptable. 3) Regarding the actual porn, how good is it? Do I go too quickly through the action? Any thoughts and opinions are welcome!
Howdy! I've been enjoying the story so far, I think you've got a fun, brisk writing style. A few (meaning many) things came to mind when I read your questions. 1) These eight threads went by fast. It was a good idea to make Will's power so strong so the story could hit the ground running, but he does seem to have overcome every obstacle thrown at him. Will's cousin isn't trying to hide her lust for Will. Besides the obvious consequences of someone catching onto her incestuous thoughts, the possibility of someone Will hasn't mind controlled finding evidence of his powers is a great lead to follow. Maybe because Will is so careless with his powers, people start to recognize the effect he has on everyone under his control. People may not know he has special powers, but they see how someone's behavior changes after they talk to him, it freaks them out, and their reluctance to talk to him makes it more difficult for him to use his powers. Or maybe as Will controls more and more people, he loses the focus to keep others docile. For instance, Heather might want revenge on Will's mom, or Will's mom might kick him out of the house. This is to say nothing of the presence of other psychics implied by “Someday you'll find someone else with a closed eye.” Maybe Will finds someone who he can't control, later finding out they have their own an untapped potential for psychic powers. What does he do then? Does he join forces with them, teaching them to use their powers and facilitating massive psychotronic orgies? Does he make it his mission to hunt down and suppress potential psychics before they turn against him? What if Will is confronted by someone who is already skilled with their powers, and they've decided to put a stop to Will for either ethical reasons (he's ruining lives by treating people like toys) or selfish ones (he's being reckless and could expose other psychics to the world)? It's a wide open concept, is what I'm saying. 2) First, I'm surprised you don't think 7.1 has much porn in it, since Will goes straight from the Heather's photoshoot to having sex with Amy in front of the director. Second, this next bit is gonna be a weird analogy, so bear with me. I think good erotica is like a good horror movie. If the monster shows up every five minutes, it will stop being scary long before the movie ends. The monster is scariest when it's hiding and you don't know where it is or when it will attack. You need some quiet moments to build up the anticipation. In erotica, the more aroused the characters get, the longer it's been since they've gotten laid, the more satisfying it is for them and for us when they do get release. When in doubt, let the scene play out and don't rush to the sex. I'd go as far to say it's a-ok to go multiple threads without characters having sex. That's still an opportunity to have your characters hang out, get to know each other, flirt, tease, make out, fantasize, etc. Building up the anticipation for sex can be just as hot as the sex itself. ...Which seems a little tricky when your character can make people want to have sex with him, but that could be another plot seed in itself. Will finds someone he doesn't want to mind control into liking him, he wants them to like him genuinely, so he has to figure out how to date and flirt a girl without using his powers. Or Will is surprised by how much fun one he has with one of these mind controlled people even when he's not having sex with them, and he has to figure out how he can undo his mind control while making sure they still like him afterwards. Hell, maybe Will experiments with his powers by pursuing two girls, one through the use of his powers and one without them. 3) 'Sall good! Ok, false brevity aside, I think your description of the sex acts are good. Like I said before, you have a fast-paced writing style. It's a fun read that's always moving and you don't skimp on interesting details, and the sex scenes in particular are hard and fast, well-suited to your style. That said, if you're worried the sex isn't interesting, you won't screw up by slowing things down with more description about specific things characters do to each other: pull hair, pinch nipples, kiss necks, talk dirty, etc. This is why I think it's important to dig into characters' emotions before you send them into bed: I'm deathly terrified of writing Ikea porn (“insert Penis A into Vagina B, repeat until climax, oh baby”), and what it means to a character when they decide to have sex at this moment with this person can also be just as hot as the acts themselves. Another plot seed for you: since he was a virgin when the story first started, Will probably isn't the most generous lover. Even though they're already having sex with him, he runs into mental resistance when he orders girls to do something he wants to try but they dislike, so he starts improving his skills at foreplay and pleasuring girls to make them more susceptible to doing what he wants.
