Hey all, I just posted my first story (https://chyoa.com/story/Fallout-New-Vegas.13391 ) and I was hoping I could get some feedback! I accidentally did not know about the fact that you could link chapters and so I did it the old fashioned way of cutting and pasting tons of different chapters. I am trying to give the reader plenty of choices without overwhelming them (or me!). I have given the reader a few attempts at non-sexual interaction as well. I really love the Fallout series and figured that New Vegas would be a fun one to work with. I am working on the main protagonist now. She is soon going to be making more decisions when she gets on her own. I also intend to add a second protagonist later as a laughable slut. But right now the main character has a sense of purpose and its not completely ridiculous (hopefully). Any tips would be much appreciated once the story comes online.
Well, I have written some fallout stuff before. I tried talking to another user on Chyoa about it, but he did not seem interested in working with me. Since most of my material links off-site, let me know if you want me to PM you the details. The one I have released here is: https://chyoa.com/story/Tales-from-the-raider.13195 It is short and simple, some stuff I made more as world building and to make the raiders seem more interesting. Edit: Okay, read through some of your stories. The part I like is how you actually try to make sure there are non-sexual methods of getting to the end result. I know this is a sex story site, but it seems too many focus on the sex, and not on the story. For the sex though, I would say it is a bit mechanical. How the character strokes, how they suck, how they get them off. There is very little character in it. I don't know, it just reminds me of every other sex scene I see most guys write. For example: She grips his cock firmly, stroking her hands up and down, using her other hand to tease his balls. She continues stroking, moving faster and faster, until his cock spurts, coating her hand. Now, imagine if we bring more character into it: She grips his cock firmly, looking into his eyes, seeing his reaction. She is rewarded by the slight widening, like he had not expected her to actually do it. His eyes widen further as she starts stroking her hands up and down on his shaft. His breath quickens, and she strokes him faster, reading the lust in him. Quicker. Faster. Quicker. Faster. She reaches the other hand down, teasing his balls, watching his eyes roll back, a low, throaty sound escaping him. She jumps as he suddenly spurts sticky, creamy cum over her hand. The smell, oh, the smell. Newly milked NCR soldier cum. "So," she whispers to him. "How about that information I needed?" While I love your descriptions of everything else, the sex scenes just sort of blah together. They do this, they do that, they do something else. No emotion, little reaction, nothing special. For the last criticism I have, well, I have the same issue myself. There are many mistakes in the writing. One thing I do is throw my writing into word then run a spelling and grammar check. It is very basic, so does not always help the same way an editor does, it still normally points out some of the worse mistakes I make. Example: Eye liek gren egs n ham. Example: I like green eggs and ham. Sometimes, reading something too many mistakes starts distracting us from the story you are trying to write. Don't let spelling and grammar take away from your story. I think it has great potential, and would love to see more of it. (lol, and re-reading the stuff I posted shows I have plenty of mistakes myself. As I said, even I am not perfect, and do not expect you to be. Just wanted to highlight this to you. And for context, I am not fixing my mistakes in this post, so you know that I am no better than you, just giving you my opinion)
