Hi, I've been writing a storyline within: Tifa and the Slave Materia. The stuff I've written starts here: Tifa Panics, She Tries to Get Rid of the Collar Again I'm looking for feedback on my writing specifically, and not on the ideas and themes of what I've written. What I'm hoping for is constructive criticism on flow, pacing, word choice, and any other problems there might be with my writing. Oh, and suggestions on how to make the sex and sexy scenes better would be awesome too! I have this TG story in the back of my head that's begging to be written. But it's big enough that I don't want to seriously get into it until I feel confident that my writing can do it justice. I'd really appreciate some advice and critique.
Reading through your first thread, it started really well but there is section early on in which Tifa is fiddling with the collar where if felt a bit like: "She did this and she did that then she found she could not the other." I think the away to avoid that feel, unless in certain circumstances you want a rhythm for dramatic effect, is to keep changing the sentence structure, refer to 'Tifa', or 'the girl', or 'the woman' more often ('she' should still be the most common reference as it's quicker). You could perhaps describe her with with an adjective to mix it up even more. Take this, for instance: She found that with a little effort, she was able to cut through the greave with the dagger. She nodded in satisfaction and stepped up to the mirror. She carefully slipped the blade under the collar, taking care not to accidently cut herself. You could write: With a lttle effort, she was able to cut through the greave with the dagger. Nodding in satisfaction, Tifa stepped up to the mirror. Carefully, in case she cut herself, the determined woman slipped the blade under the collar. Then you could start the next sentence with "She ... " because it now feels at little bit fresher. I hope that helps a little and the vast majority of your prose feels fine. I normally write any threads in Word first, read through them, make changes, post them, then read through them again and I still make mistakes and wish I'd written sentences in a different way. I obviously like when people appreciate my writing but TBH I'd really like some constructive criticism. Regarding sex scenes, like you, I would appreciate criticism. I've no idea whether they are good or bad. Often I concentrate on the mechanical expects because it so easy to be repetitious and cliched. There's only so many ways of describing physical sensations so just via narrative style I might make an excuse to skip over them, at the same time ensuring emotions are to the forefront.
OT Also I like the fact that you have committed to this tale. So many threads in so short a time; I love it when inspiration strikes
Heh, thanks. It's a pet peeve of mine too when a story line just ends up dangling, especially when it ends just as it's getting interesting. Personally, I think it's because a lot of writers tend to write multiple branches simultaneously. I plan to just stick with a single story line, and let others write other paths if they're inspired. I've got the rough outline for probably another 20 posts vaguely planned out already. Honestly, my problem is having to go back and revise things so I don't feel like I'm rushing things. It's really hard to not just gloss over things and get to the really fun stuff. I hope you've enjoyed what I've written so far. Just out of curiosity, out of what you've read, was there anything in the writing that jarred you out of the experience of reading it?
I agree with that, but would expand that about short descriptions of the person. Interesting aspects, that were introduced earlier and are "unique" in the scene. e.g. the redhead, the latina beauty, the secretary (shouldn't be used, if there are more than one redhead, latina, etc. in the scene) I usually plan to stick with a single story, but I often reach the point, where I can't put my thoughts into sentences. So I change to another story/branch, although I just know, how all of them should continue.
@Beeble42 & @Trugbild Thanks! I really appreciate the suggestions! @Beeble42 , I use word to write in before posting as well. It sounds like you treat individual thread posts as being written in stone. Personally, I've actually gone back and edited posts before in the past. In fact, I plan on doing a big editing pass on everything I posted before posting the unreleased sections I've already written. If there are any areas of your own threads that you really hate, perhaps you should go back and rewrite them? While the majority of readers might not notice, I think you'll probably feel better if you know there aren't any glaring errors. I know I do. Also, I obviously wouldn't mind reading over some of your own threads and giving what critique I can. You're quite a bit more prolific than I am, so is there a particular thread post or line of posts you'd like me to start at? @Trugbild , the same offer is open for you as well. Would you like to point me towards where to start?
My major work on here is the Ivor Bigun stories, "Love Party Britain" and "Decameron XXX". In the part of LPB about "Pride and Prejudice" my threads were much shorter because I was relatively new to this site, so I am tempted to rewrite them just because I think I can improve on them. On the other hand it does feel like I have moved on and I am working on 2 exciting projects. If I release to another site I may go back and attempt to ensure consistency. My new work, which I shall be releasing imminently, is "Cocksworth Hall - Great House of Love" and, while you might not want to comment on the subject matter, please feel free to critique the 2 parts I have put forward within the following post. http://forum.chyoa.com/threads/cockshoots-hall.268/ Hopefully after the 5 Chapters and with the mountain of background detail I will provide, other writers will be inspired. Then I will move on to the Hellfire inspired story which is my first attempt at a proper novella as it is fully plotted. I shall return the favour.
I am not a native speaker, so I usually don't read english stories, because it is not that easy for me. Therefore I suppose, I can't help you much with that issue. That is also the reason, that I don't write in the story specific subforums (Story Feedback, Story Ideas). The other forums are more independent from language and I can use some "stupid" examples, to express, what I have in the back of my head ^^
@Trugbild Heh, no problem, I totally understand. Still, I really appreciate you taking the time to comment none the less. So thank you.
I like what you've written so far. I think the only critique I would offer would be on the technical side, i.e. grammatical and/or spelling, but for some, that's not overly important, so I'll wait and see if you would want that kind of critique before giving it! lol Other than that, I had no trouble reading what you've written, it seems to flow very well, and I wasn't taken out of it at any point. I haven't read all your threads, as I'm trying to get more active on the forum, but I'll try and peruse everyone's work involved in this post. I'm also looking for feedback on my story, which I'd actually started my own post for...I guess I could have just asked on here...but whatever. lol http://chyoa.com/story/the-bukkake-experiment/cover Be brutal if you want, it's fine! I don't really consider myself a writer, anyway! lol
