Hello everyone, new author her. I've just posted my first story: https://chyoa.com/story/My-girlfriend-is-a-Superhero!.55077 It is just a short story without branching, but I wanted to put something out here. I have another story waiting for approval, and I'm working on some bigger project with branching paths, but those are a way off for now. Any constructive feedback is appreciated!
Pretty interesting premise! The lede is a little buried in the subtitle, but I'm not really sure how to fix that without making the title about as long as this sentence, which would be less than ideal. Write out conversations! The story contains a lot of descriptions of conversations, but it's much more enjoyable to read the actual words being spoken. That allows you to give your characters real, well, character. Little nuances in their behaviours can really make them come alive. Right now they don't even have names. (That's actually fine in a short story like this, but in a longer story it wouldn't be.) I was a little taken aback when it ended at chapter 5. You say this is only a short non-branching story, but I think you could do a lot more with it. (If you wanted to, of course!) The protagonist could be into his girlfriend being abused by every villain in the city. She could be secretly into it, which explains why she keeps losing. The 3 ordinary criminals could ignore him when they gangbang his girlfriend, because they've already shown they can beat a superhero, so he wouldn't be a threat. The protagonist and his girlfriend make up at the end of the story, but you could add a branch where they don't. The protagonist is just an ordinary dude right now, why not let the experience turn him into a bad guy, either super or ordinary? He could turn Wonder Whore into an actual whore, too. Or maybe go the complete opposide direction, get her some proper training to stop her losing all the time (or try, at least). "She was just lying there passed out" is another point where the protagonist could really take things in a very different direction. The possibilities are endless!
I like the premise (It's very similar to Empowered! which you and everyone should absolutely read IMO), but I'm not sure about giving this from the POV of the boyfriend. He's not present for most of the interesting stuff, and he's kind of unlikeable so I'd prefer to see more of her story through her eyes.
Thanks for both of your feedback! I usually do write dialog, but I tried something different for this story to see if it worked. If (when) I write some more chapters I’ll probably add some actual dialog back in. No names was another stylistc choice for a short story, but it actually got kinda clunky to write. She will probably be forced to adopt the name Super Slut, as that is what everyone is calling her anyways . I really like a lot of your ideas LowKing! Especially having the protag becoming a villain and turning her into an actual whore! I’ll have to think about the best way to implement that. I also have quite a few more ideas to continue the story, starting with Super Slut getting a nemesis. She’ll also get a sidekick who helps her to not lose so much (for a while). The story is actually partially inspired by Empowered. My story takes the situation to its logical conclusion of what would happen if a real villain got his hands on a naked an depowered heroine. I even thought about using this as the cover, but decided not to do it without permission from the artist: https://www.hentai-foundry.com/pict...e_Monster/292886/August-Stream-Sale-Empowered As for having the POV from the boyfriend, that’s one of my preferences for an ntr story, seeing her actions through his eyes. I do understand wanting a more detailed account from her tho, but part of the reason was to keep it short and sweet.
