Link: Population Crisis Started writing a few weeks ago. I'm planning on adding too it, but I have a ton of other projects on the go right now. Looking for as much feedback as possible to better my writing in general. Don't need praise, looking for criticism so be as honest as possible.
Not a bad start! There are two issues I think you might consider: 1) With second person, a lot of the inner life of the characters has to be expressed directly to the reader, and it's difficult to do that sometimes. You do an okay job with the sex scene with Ayumi, but I feel like you should focus on more than just the mechanics - have him be more concerned with how she is feeling, whether he's doing the right thing, whether she's enjoying herself or faking it, etc. Basically, it would be nice for him to be more emotionally involved in the scene, trying to read more details off of her body and how she reacts, more communication during the sex act - this is supposed to be their first time, but is it really? Is that special? Do they think it should have been more special? etc. 2) While I wouldn't necessarily say it needs more drama, I'd like to see...more stakes. If it's just a case of fucking one girl until she gets knocked up and then moving on and fucking the next girl until she gets knocked up, the story could go on for thousands of chapters and then he ends up thirty years old with however many kids and you're left wondering if any of it meant anything. Basically, I'd like to see them as more involved in the process somehow - are they really fucking to save the species? Do they care? Do they resent it? Are there penalties if she doesn't get knocked up right away? Is he the man with the golden dick? If infertility is rampant, does that mean there's a lot more casual sex and he can put the moves on female teachers with something like impunity? Don't get me wrong, I think there's potential with the story, and your style isn't bad. The length is nice, you get to the action fairly quickly. But we're three chapters in, he's blown his load, and I've got the general impression from "What Happens Next?" that it's not clear if you have an idea of what, if anything, you're building to. So maybe consider doing a little brainstorming, write down an outline. Think of the kinds of scenes that you'd like to write, and what would naturally take Keith from this point to that point.
Excellent, thank you for posting this. I'm going to go back and make revisions, try to delve into the character's thought processes a little more.
Wasn’t there a story on the old CHYOO site with the same title and premise? I ask because I really liked that one, and I was wondering if you were in fact the original author.
There was, I contributed to that story but I was not the original author. Apparently the original was lost due to a database error.
