https://chyoa.com/story/Roxy's-New-Roommate.24083 My latest story, starring Roxy Dupéré, a sex shop worker and dominatrix who's in need of a new roommate who may just become her new playmate.
I've only looked at the Sila branch, but here are my initial thoughts. First I'd like to say I'm very jealous of your ability to describe things efficiently. I get an instictive picture of Roxy with only two paragraphs. This is something I'm trying to work on in my own writing. I was also easily able to tell who was talking to whom even with the narrative cues trimmed down. This kept the dialogue quick and punchy. Unfortunately, I found most of the character's convorsations boring. I get that most conversations witt a wallflower are going to be dull, but Sila must have some interests beyond work and "studying." How does she feel about Roxy's masks? Does she bring any interesting furnature to the apartment? In the same vein, what is the point of the scene with Charlie? He and Roxy said hi and that's it. If he is going to have a future cotribution to the story, I would have liked to seeo that hinted at. (On a side note you wrote "before heading home" twice in the Work Life chapter. Not a big deal, but I thought I'd mention it.) I like the idea of a submissive having written some erotica, but I persooally think that mentioning CHYOA in your story is a bit much. There are also some moments that I felt needed a bit more description. Like when Roxy catches Sila masturbating. What does Roxy think of her roomate's bare legs? Is Sila's had down her panties or is her underwear out of the way? What is she doing with her fingers? It seems to me that you want to write a character driven story, and you're off to a good start. I'd like to see that built on more especially showing there differences: characters swapping stories, talking about their interests, having a difference of opinion or other minor conflict. etc.
First of all, I appreciate the feedback Especially this part Whilst I don't want to dismiss this as being invalid, I do plan to have Sila open up more very soon in the story. Right now Charlie hasn't had much to do, except for gossip a bit during the Xavier branch. I don't have any plans for him (yet). I felt setting him up built the world a bit more and gives me options in the future. And it also contradicts a later chapter, because what's proofreading am I right 乁( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ㄏ ? Let's just say I may have some plans for an alternative thread when it comes to this. With Roxy catching Sila, I wanted to focus more on Roxy's shock rather than arousal. For most of the scene she is hiding, which means she isn't exactly watching what Sila is doing, and therefore can't really describe what she's doing. To quote Roxy herself 'First Person Perspective is so restrictive. These are all things I certainly need to think about more as a writer, and shall expand upon as the story continues.
