So now that I’ve broken the 10k viewers mark and made it to chapter 8 of the story (chapter 16 if you wanna count additional stuff from myself and another author) I was curious as to what you all thought of it so far. Any suggestions? Comments? Anything you’d like to see in particular? https://chyoa.com/chapter/Introduction.1175903
I read the first 4 chapters. It's good! I enjoy your writing style, and the plot looks pretty interesting so far. I don't know if this kind of misogyny is an element that's present in the Avatar canon, but even if it isn't, I think it's a totally fine element for an (erotic) fanfic to add, if that's the kind of fetish you want to explore. This is definitely a fantasy that's up my alley, so I'm looking forward to it really coming into play. Allotting time to both the good and the bad guys is great! Showing the reader part of the bad guys' plans long before the good guys are even aware of them creates instant tension. Will the good guys figure it out in time? If not, what'll happen? And if they do, what kind of backup plans the bad guys have standing by that the reader hasn't seen yet? I like it. My main constructive feedback is that intro is on the long side. You spend a lot of time setting up the plot and establishing the world before the story really starts, with Lei discovering Yan's lab. In an erotic story, you should get to the action pretty quickly, in my opinion. In general, a pretty harsh final editing pass before you publish chapters might help improve the pacing of the story, especially in the narration. I know, it hurts to delete things you've spent blood, sweat, and tears on. Do it anyway. For example, at the start of chapter 3, you spend 4 paragraphs to describe the dynamic between Yan and Lei as background information, rather than revealing it by having the two interact as a real part of the story. It's classic show, don't tell. Also, as someone who's never interacted with the Avatar universe, I had some trouble getting my bearings. Specifically, I had to look up Equalists (at first they sounded like good guys? Striving for equality is usually coded for good) and Vaatu (though if I'd just kept reading I think I would've figured it out). That said, maybe the "what even is an Avatar?" crowd is a way-too-tiny minority to even bother with?
Thanks for the feedback! Glad you’re liking it so far. Yeah I see what you mean with the show don’t tell comment, I feel like I can be a bit too overly descriptive at times especially when I’m trying to explain the background of stuff. The Avatar world is sort of lore intensive so I guess I’m trying to compensate for by explaining it to other people. Will try to be less wordy in the future. The Equalists are essentially supposed to be political radicals who want everyone to be brought down to the same level, their name is supposed to be ironic I’m pretty sure. Vaatu is an evil spirit representing the Yang of the Yin and Yang dynamic.
