Hey all, been writing my story, "Ring of Lesbos" for about a year and a half now, and I'm looking for some feedback. I'd love to hear suggestions too if you have them. Story Link: https://chyoa.com/story/The-Ring-of-Lesbos.26855 Just so you know what I've been going for with this story, I've tried to make it a light-hearted (but not overly comedic) story with some occasional heavier stuff. I've also wanted to make it a catch all for my numerous fantasies. My personal favorite character at this point would have to be Shannon, she's become a great 'sidekick' to the main character, that's not something I had intended but it's fun when a character takes a turn you didn't plan for as a writer. Anyway, I'm not above trying more serious stuff (I have a more serious path planned out in the solo Amy route) but I would prefer to keep the overall light tone. I'm open to any suggestions except overt violence and BDSM (unless its very light BDSM maybe). One of things I'm kinda happy about is that I've kinda grown past the premise of the story, some of the paths don't even take the ring into account, which I feel is a positive since it's more or less a contrivance to get the story rolling anyway. Not to sound too up my own ass, but I feel like the story has become more character driven in a way than plot driven which i definitely feel is a good thing. Character interaction/dialogue is probably the thing i enjoy writing the most, where the sex scenes themselves are probably where I struggle the most. I feel like my sex scenes don't go on for as long, or get as descriptive as I would like, I'd love to get someone else's take on that. I don't want to prejudice any opinions before somebody reads it though, writing in a vacuum with very little feedback may mean my strengths are not as strong as I thought, and/or my weaknesses not as bad. Interested to read what you all have to say. One challenge I've run into is going back to earlier story lines and having to reintroduce characters that are already established in others. For example, I'd like to introduce Shannon into the Scarlett story line, but doing so would mean having to treat her as a new character being introduced, as from the readers perspective this could be the first time encountering her, where as in my mind she is already a fully established character. I feel like bringing her in would mean having to re-tread some old ground as far as describing her personality and appearance. I've run into this in the Amy solo story line as well. One idea I've been toying with is a "good ending" type route for each of the characters. A lot of the stories on this site seem to get dropped eventually (especially when the 'good' parts are over) resulting in little to no closure. I'd also probably try good endings for multiple pair ups, like a good Kristen/Shannon/Sarah ending. The only down side to this in my mind is it puts a finality on things that maybe I'd rather leave open ended if say, I wanted to return to a story path. People who have followed my story probably know that I write in spurts, no pun intended. I'll write nothing for months on end, then write 4-5 chapters within a few weeks. Anyway, enough ramblings about my story. I'd love to here what other people think. Let me know!
I went down the path of least resistance (first options only), and only a few things jump out at me. The Good It is fairly character-driven. I honestly think you could probably do more with the premise of the ring, but if you just want that as an excuse for awakening a young woman to her homosexuality, that's fine. Chapters are fairly long and there's a bit of variety to the sentence structure; you don't fall into the mistake a lot of 1st person perspective writers fall into of starting every sentence with "I," although you do sometimes slip into second person ("You") on occasion. Also, I really enjoy the occasional turn of phrase like: The Needs Work Pretty much every chapter I've seen ends with the default "What's next?" If you can think of a question to slot in there, that gives you a direction or springboard for writing the next chapter. Also, some of your sex scenes could use a little description. I'm thinking of this chapter in particular, where an exchange goes: Most of this exchange is just a transcript of an audio of two women masturbating on different ends of the phone. So you the reader aren't really getting into the headspace of what "I" am doing. It's not terribly porny dialogue (I can't throw stones), but describe what the character is doing and feeling, what she's thinking and imagining. Show a little.
Thanks, this is the kind of feedback I was looking for, I appreciate it! Might do a pass on some older stuff and try and make improvements. The first path is the one i wrote first, and the one you quote in the needs work was the very first sex scene I'd ever written. I feel like I've improved somewhat since then.
