https://chyoa.com/story/War!.41260 Just here to create a place to comment. I am a noob writer after all. While I enjoy the writing, I feel like I am bumbling around like a fool. The story is not set in stone, far from it, but I do have a general direction where I want to go. Just curious how you are thinking about story so far. Keep it constructive though, as I am a frail and tender person.
You're a talented writer, and a slow burn is difficult to pull off. So I'll offer some thoughts in that vein . I read about 8 chapters of the story, through "Oh my" First, I think you did a good job building the world, but I admit that I got lost a bit as to where the writer actually was both physically and temporally. In the introduction, it says that the POV character survived the war and this is his story, then you pivot to his diary which implies to me that he's writing it after the fact. Then, in the first paragraph of his diary, he is both unsure whether he will survive and whether the Americans will enter the war - so it jumps back to his perspective during the war. But when? A few chapters later he mentions that the Americans are fighting in Europe, so are the diary entries meant to be written at separate times? At some point, the writer appears to be describing things that are presently happening, but I wasn't clear when the shift from "We're reading his diary" to "We're following him in real-time" was meant to happen. During the chapter "Innocence"? I think that could be made clearer. Second, I don't feel like I have a good idea of what the characters are like. The situation you've set up is so chaotic (They're grabbing random people off the street and shoving them to the front) that it would interesting to get more background on what their situations were. Third, there are a few words maybe lost a bit in translation. Notably, Kylie is described as a kindergartner, which is incorrect. That term applies only to the students (~five year olds), so she'd be a kindergarten teacher.
In reverse order 1. kindergarten teacher applied now (certainly can't have that mistake take a life of its own!) 2. background of people comes in later chapters, some with full life stories. Since they have to tell the MC about their lives, so he can record it. Since I cannot switch to POV's of other characters, it wouldn't make sense in the diary setup. I have been thinking about those convenient POV chapters other writers use, perhaps as a side chapter to let the reader know what is going on their heads as well, but it would give too much foresight, the MC doesn't have. The whole point of "innocence" and "wait, what?" was to set up a crisis for 2 people at the same time, completely contradictory to each other, and give me the chance to move more to a conversation-writing style. I use this setting quite a few times, to set up incongruences between the view of the MC and what others are thinking, to be solved later in conversations. 3. yes, the diary setup is a bit messy. I agree on that one. real life conversations in the now, get messed up in the diary story tone of it I want to avoid exposition / world building and move on to the action battlescenes, which have a totally different tone but yes, the diary is meant to be written at different times, whenever the MC has time, afterwards. Sometimes it is explicitely mentioned he is writing, but mostly not. writing this here, now, brings me already a few ideas how I could rework this, so thank you for your comments! 4. The Americans would reasonably use their stationed troops in Europe. I admit you couldn't have known of it, since it is explained in my sidenotes, that I haven't yet published... I know, I should do it, the sooner the better. But when I refer to Americans coming to help in full force, I mean, really their full force, like in half a million of extra boots on the ground. I agree, it is messy too.
It seems I will have to make it even more messy before I will get it just right. Expect a headspin for the first rewritten chapter.
You don't necessarily need a POV section to characterize them, just some tiny details to reveal their character would work, and it helps to do some of that early on so the reader can follow along with them. I think you just need some visual indicator of when you're reading the diary vs when you're following the character directly. I've seen where the diary is in all in block quotes, the diary is in italics, or diary sections are preceded with a date header to make it abundantly clear when it was written. Keep in mind that the person writing the diary is different from the person living the day-to-day, if that makes sense. When the MC is going through his day, he is acting and reacting just as normal. But in the diary, he has had time to reflect and importantly, he's writing for an audience that he may never meet and wants to justify himself. Take two situations: Killing the rapist and the first time he has sex in the foxhole. For the former, in the moment that's going to be fast and violent, but if he writes about it he is going to want to explain why he knifed his own soldier, so he's going to spend more time justifying his actions. Meanwhile, during the sexy times, he's going to (hopefully!) enjoy the moment with her but not necessarily leave every detail in a diary for a random person to read. So it allows you to give two perspectives on key events, characterizing the MC.
Hmm. Haven't thought about that one. To be honest, the diary structure isn't all that important to me, and looks quite difficult to pull off for a noob like me, but I'll keep it in mind for another section. For now... eh best to re-read the introduction. It was / is actually my plan to split the POV's entirely, to have a story that is the same, but split and seen from different angles. Read from different POV's in serie, will each time clarify the story more and more, and hopefully bring some extra twists. Looks like an allmighty work, I know, perhaps too ambitious, but I have all the time in the world.
Kylie - chapter 5 is not an easy chapter to write. A lot of threads need to be combined in it. So it will take somewhat longer to write. Sorry for that.
Friend, you've put out like 50 chapters + rewrites in less than 3 weeks. I don't think you owe anyone an apology for going slow! XD
Fuck, I had no idea it is sometimes much more difficult to keep the storyline together than to let it split into different tracks.
Fuck...again... Looks like the buffer whas a good strategy. Five chapters further, I realized it was a dead end, and didn't want my MC to take that path. Patience... For those that want more. They are coming, those chapters.
Right, chapter 47 More control has been published. Nine more chapters to edit... And I can predict the unedited buffer will grow. It is just way more fun for me to write them. Sorry about the delay. (No, I am not asking for editors.)
I had to think a bit before launching the next arc after chapter 47 and 48. I could not stop myself from thinking what would or could happen if readers like you may get hurt by fully investing into the story. I released therefor the extra side chapter A first warning detailing the risk of empathizing too much with certain characters in the story. It may be for nothing, all my worrying may be senseless, but also for my own sake and potentially yours, I had to be as sure as I could. All I can bloody hope for is that if an unscrupulous idiot copies this work, without mentioning the source, still includes the warnings. The chapter Assault contains a real scenario of profiling sexual psychopaths. It is sadly not the only one. The profile can be entirely different for other real people and other real circumstances.
After releasing sixteen chapters all at once, I have to work a bit more on the next character to join Alex' fast growing harem. This character will have a private arc to explain her thoughts and actions in her past and present.
Finally! I am done writing the twelve chapters of the eh... oh... I can't tell you yet... the private arc and the three chapters in the main arc to link both of them. As soon as I have edited them, I will release all fifteen at once... This private arc and the link will be a sort of tipping moment in the main arc. From then on, I can start really explaining what the hell is going on in MC's mind. More internal conflicts will ensue, more characters will need a private arc, to eventually trying to reach the finish of the arc. The end is in sight, only about a 150 chapters to go... or more... Fuck...
I must admit, I like writing chapters about an MC having all the good luck in the world with love, but having really bad luck at times during sex, creating absurd situations. I made the poor MC collapse after too much sex all at once, and now I made him experience a medical blue-balls in chapter 83 and 84. Poor Alex...
Don't worry, I am still writing. That is, if you are worried about my progress at all. If you are, I would say it is very sweet of you. So far I have: - completed the last roleplays in the cave during the radiation period, - then added a battle against deserting Russians, - incorporated another character into the growing group of girlfriends - made some progress with Ambra and Alex growing to each other - a time jump to incorporate several extra sections for the growing army of Alex - given the other males a few more girlfriends - finished a strategical and tactical battle scene against a bad city-state - just written a sexy scene with a foursome So an extra 31 chapters ready to be edited... Then again, as I don't really care about my readers all that much, I might continue writing and start the birth of a new nation.
With the war in Ukraine now actually having started, eh... Let's say I am getting a bit superstitious. I have done tons of research for the story and seeing it play out in real life is not something I rooted for, on the contrary. So, I am having problems to continue writing it. It now goes extremely slowly, being in the wrong mood for it. I will try to edit and release the remaining chapters, and pester you with actual political and strategic information about the war in the notes for lazy students. It is about time I complete those notes, anyway.
