I'm happy to hear feedback for the story and suggestions, at some point, I'd like to have someone who can do continuity checks, but it's fairly early so I'm not too concerned about it at the moment. Feel free to post hear or reach out to me in my inbox if you want to talk about the story. https://chyoa.com/story/You-Can't-Fight-Biology.25840
Read a few chapters, so far. Seems mostly fine. You’re trying to build up to things though, it may be a slight contradiction to my input on another story, it’s okay to have something going on a little sooner or even just tease the reader a little bit of what may happen to keep them on edge and listening. This is a little thing, but my brain just can’t not drop it. “Rick smiled, "Oh, you must be Davey, right? That's what this little mink called you when she was telling me about you. Good to meet you, man, you're a bit shorter than I had pictured." He smiled,“ It’s the same action in the same paragraph. Personally, I try to remove “said” from most of my writing if I can. Not just that. “Replied”, “Remarked”, things like that. If characters are distinct enough, you can tell whose talking without it being pointed out and it’s just kind of doesn’t need to be there, and restricts other ways to get the point across when you have to kill dialogue with a “said” type phrase. “You are my heaven, my sun, my paradise.” Said Issac. Issac brought his fingers to her cheek, bringing her face to his, giving her a soft and tender kiss, resisting his urge to just take her right there. “You are my heaven, my sun, my paradise.” (Full disclosure, that phrase I’m pretty sure I read from someone much more poetic than I am and I don’t remember who or even if that’s the exact line. Beautiful words that I have no clue who to properly credit them too.)
