My body gets discovered

[mkokp]

Story Link

I wanted some feedback on how the story is going.

I kinda feel like overhauling the current chapters, adding more detail about her home life and tweaking the plot elements. Possibly inserting two chapters before the current ones and shifting them all down a bit? I'm not sure how the readers take to having an in-progress story changed.

I'm also not sure how well I write first person. My previous story (incomplete) was in 2nd person POV. Is the detail and structure about right for 1st person? Does it need something extra or changing?

Please send me all your criticism so I can improve!

 

[TheLowKing]

First off, this is great! It's got solid 'chaste girl discovers sex' vibe, even if masturbation isn't new to her, and well-executed raceplay is pretty rare. I like it!

Something you can more easily do when writing from a first person point of view than from a second or third person point of view is portraying inner conflict. She wants something, but she knows she shouldn't. Her parents would disown her, she'd be ruined, yada yada, and yet some animal need in the back of her mind tells her to give in. You could double down on this a lot more than you're already doing. She's pretty passive, especially during her first time getting groped. Here, already, you could have her more explicitly experience a swirl of emotions: fear, revulsion, curiosity, humiliation, desire, powerlessness, eagerness, fulfilledness, regret, etc.

Also, there's no dialogue at all in the first chapters. This may be a conscious choice (in which case ignore me), but here too, having her plead or struggle (possibly half-heartedly) with her assailant can drive home the conflict she's experiencing, the struggle between what her body wants and what her mind knows is proper. Unspoken thoughts would work too.

One thing that kind of bothered me was how often the story uses the word 'brown'. This is a raceplay story, so you do need to establish her ethnic and racial identity or it doesn't work at all, but it started feeling monotonous. Try using more creative/artistic terms like 'dark', 'olive', 'copper', or 'chocolate' to reinforce the raceplay aspect without having to repeating yourself. Outright slurs are also an option, if you're comfortable with that, as is the religious angle.

I kinda feel like overhauling the current chapters, adding more detail about her home life and tweaking the plot elements.

This is not necessarily a bad idea (I know, that's a ringing endorsement if ever I gave one) but I also think that keeping the story centered entirely on Yasmin can help keep the story focused. If you start introducing more characters and widening the plot, you run the risk of watering down the story a lot. That's a common problem in erotic (early access) games and (chapter-a-day/week) stories: they start off strong, but then the author piles on more and more things, trying to keep the story (and the Patreon moneys...) going, until it's an unrecognizable mess. You could also very easily get stuck on rewriting the early chapters over and over, making sideways rather than forward progress. Proceed with caution!

 

[mkokp]

Something you can more easily do when writing from a first person point of view than from a second or third person point of view is portraying inner conflict. She wants something, but she knows she shouldn't. Her parents would disown her, she'd be ruined, yada yada, and yet some animal need in the back of her mind tells her to give in. You could double down on this a lot more than you're already doing. She's pretty passive, especially during her first time getting groped. Here, already, you could have her more explicitly experience a swirl of emotions: fear, revulsion, curiosity, humiliation, desire, powerlessness, eagerness, fulfilledness, regret, etc.

Also, there's no dialogue at all in the first chapters. This may be a conscious choice (in which case ignore me), but here too, having her plead or struggle (possibly half-heartedly) with her assailant can drive home the conflict she's experiencing, the struggle between what her body wants and what her mind knows is proper. Unspoken thoughts would work too.

This is a great point about dialogue. I will think how best to add more. I guess the story so far has just been Yasmin on her own and there wasn't anyone to talk to. That's probably why I wanted to add the family angle or a friend for her to interact with. Inner monologue and her thoughts is a good spot, I need to work on that.

One thing that kind of bothered me was how often the story uses the word 'brown'. This is a raceplay story, so you do need to establish her ethnic and racial identity or it doesn't work at all, but it started feeling monotonous. Try using more creative/artistic terms like 'dark', 'olive', 'copper', or 'chocolate' to reinforce the raceplay aspect without having to repeating yourself. Outright slurs are also an option, if you're comfortable with that, as is the religious angle.

Yeah I did over use the word brown, and I do know why it happened tbh (a side effect of my story writing methods). I have no issue using racial slurs or religious slurs. I guess I was hesitant because I don't want to put readers off or break any rules

This is not necessarily a bad idea (I know, that's a ringing endorsement if ever I gave one) but I also think that keeping the story centered entirely on Yasmin can help keep the story focused. If you start introducing more characters and widening the plot, you run the risk of watering down the story a lot. You could also very easily get stuck on rewriting the early chapters over and over, making sideways rather than forward progress. Proceed with caution!

This is a good point. I don't want to be editing the past to fit the new chapter every time. I will try to write with a fixed history in mind and only make minor edits (not plot changes) if needed.[/QUOTE]

 

[mkokp]

First person female POV is really hot for me, so I hope you'll stick to that. This site needs more good work from that POV. We need to get inside her head more, though.

I agree, I love female POV. I need to work adding more of her thoughts to make it work properly.

This is my personal preference, but I think more descriptive chapter titles are better. I should be able to scan the story map and see what is happening to know where the sex is. I know that might rub some people the wrong way who dream that all readers start from the beginning and hang on each word. But I suspect a lot of us at least want to skim ahead for the good stuff to see if we want to invest more time in the build-up.

I do try to make my chapters more than just Yes/No or Next. The idea that people might want to skip to certain parts is interesting, I will try to make the chapter titles indicate the event, but also avoid plot spoilers.

This has huge potential with the race-play, the religious angle, and at least some non-con action. I think it's cool that you've avoided (unless I missed something) stating that she's a virgin and instead are implying it while focusing 0n other stuff. But it's one of my kinks so I hope you eventually milk that heavily.

I do plan to increase the focus on those listed kinks (hence my warning in the first chapter that doesn't really apply yet), I hope I live up to your expectations I have imagined her as a virgin, is that the route you liked or did I misread that?

https://chyoa.com/chapter/You-get-interrupted.1285428

That chapter is a good place to slow down and get in her head more. She's fingering her pussy, so how much action has she seen before and is this normal? Why does it matter more that the guy is white, and why is she becoming turned on more thinking of being forced? Does it make her feel guilty? You said earlier she was humiliated from the groping (that was her thoughts on it), and now she's masturbating thinking about it.

Also that is good example where (again my preference) more chapter description is needed. I'd put "An interruption forces me wait and masturbate when I get home" instead of just "You get interrupted".

Thanks, I will review this chapter and try to outline some of the answers to those questions. Hopefully I can edit the chapter to make things work in the way I want. I don't like leaving readers not understanding why's and how's (unless it's a plot point)