Army Customizer

majus

majus

CHYOA Guru
My first thread! My own! My precioussss!


This is a thread for discussion and ideas about story "Army customizer".


A story in which you – a hero, died (yes, spoiler alert, that's how story begins)... and ended up in interface that will allow you to create an Avatar (totally customizable) for your next life, an army (totally customizable), which you will lead and finally choose a world (totally customizable) in which you will start your next life... or reincarnation, depending on view. For more details, read first thread of story.


I have created few examples of possible Avatars/armies/worlds and will make few more. I do hope to see some contributors.


Whatever idea for story you have and don't think you will write, place it here. Maybe someone else will use it.


I do wonder if someone would start a thread for a world with alternative history. How would WW2 change if one (or both) side would look like this:
https://chan.sankakucomplex.com/post/show/3294469
with some other changes (f.e. no pogroms)...
 
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I've been following this story since it was first posted. It's an interesting idea so I'm curious to see what different people do with it.

I have some ideas for additions, but haven't had the inspiration to write them down yet.
 
I have been, as you all are surely aware, and active contributor to the story, having what is at the moment the longest thread string, but a few days ago I had an idea for a story that I just don't have the cultural, anthropological, linguistic, religious, or military chops to do justice to, and fortunately realized that before I posted it and made a hash of it.

Protagonist Character
Name: Quetzalcoatl.
Hero Type: Prophet
Gender: Male
Appearance: Amerind individual except with long white hair to his ass and a thick white beard down to his waist. Older fella but could pose for one of those 'growing old is not for sissies' posters.

Army: Aztec Warriors, but with black powder bombs and primitive cannon... (And by 'primitive' we mean the kind made from two half logs banded with bronze straps and firing polished rocks...)

World: Aztec Empire circa 1450 A.D.

What happens if instead of the Spaniards showing up to 'fulfill' the prophesy of the avatar of the feathered serpent's appearance: IT ACTUALLY HAPPENS? Can our protagonist, who in his first life was one of the 'nativos mexicanos', overthrow the rule of the priest kings of the Aztec Empire, put an end to the blood sacrifice, unite the feuding city states into a true nation, and drag it's TL up from the stone age into a force that can turn the tide against Cortez and the other Conquistadors, or is history doomed to repeat itself?
 
Got another hot idea from watching 'The Civil War' by Ken Burns on PBS, which again I lack the historical and military chops to do justice to, but here's a premise for someone to pick up if they want to:

Abraham Lincoln: favored son of the slave holding north; has been elected to the presidency of the United States of America, and is working with his republican allies to try to make good on his campaign promise to reverse the 'Dread Scot Decision', which declared that any slave who once sets foot in a state where slavery is illegal becomes a free man or woman, and extend the practice of slavery into the 'Free' South. Though the north has an advantage in terms of population, industry, and resources and has promised to go to war to preserve their 'right' to keep slaves the 13 'free' states of The Confederacy have made good on their promise to secede from the union rather than allow their majority population of free blacks to be dragged to the coffle-block. Can President Jefferson Davis, Geniuses such as General Robert E. Lee, Lieutenant General Dajango Friedman, Private Nathan Bedford Forest, and the millions of free black men and women of the Confederacy conquer the corrupt and despicable slave holders of the North, or even in this fun-house mirror of the civil war is the numerical, economical, political, and industrial superiority of the northern states going to overthrow the valor and determination of the southern states... (Or, perhaps: is the truth of the matter that 'God will defend the right': and no matter what advantages the North has, even were they to possess modern fighter jets with The Free South still being stuck with cannon and rifle, the fact that this time it is The South which represents the ideal of a "government of the people, by the people, for the people" (ALL of them): is what will determine the victor in this bloody and bitter American Civil War by the manifest and direct will of the almighty...?)
 
Relatively soon, I plan on adding more to this story. For a time, I almost forgot about it. But things have made me reinvested with Xera'shaza and I would love to cause some mayhem with her. I am extremely proud of my hybrid creation...mostly because you don't see it...at all really. I think I only saw 1 hentai anime/manga that had the idea of a vampire/succubus hybrid. But really, I have not seen it anywhere else. I doubt it's entirely original, someone else probably has done it in the past and just never shared...but I love her set-up.

I'm thinking of adding in more racial detriments/benefits or give her a few more starting gear in the Abilities and Area Select chapter, maybe change up her appearance a bit in the introduction...but I dunno. I enjoy the other chapters just fine as they're story based...I was only thinking about the set-up that I find...lacking, for some reason. But I just can't put my finger on it.

Anyone have any opinions about my contributions to the story in of itself? I'll gladly take any criticism if someone has one. Only thing I can think of is that I may have went overboard, if anything else, with the use of Karma Points...but I tried to come up with SIGNIFICANT detriments, assuming they would like...give more Karma Points to spend like in most RPGs.
 
Ok, I read the first two chapters, and I've got one KEY thing to say. (And a few minor pointers.)


KEY item: people don't change their personality like that in a few seconds. You rarely go from Chaotic/Good to Chaotic/Evil in just a flash of emotion. You need to delve into the woman's mind and show how her repressed negative emotions come to the fore and drive her to embrace evil.

Secondly, your phrasing is somewhat repetitive and not particularly game like. When discussing her new abilities add some numbers. As an example:

Jizzrar said:
Unholy Weaknesses: Your hybrid situation makes you vulnerable to many influences, but buffers others. You are harmed by curatives and purifiers. So that means no garlic and no water. You can take baths if the liquids provided are properly treated first. Thanks to your succubus heritage, it takes a significantly longer time for you to be harmed by sunlight, though it's advised to stay away. Silver is still toxic to you, and the mere presence of holy symbols of faith still deter you, while contact burns you. And needless to say holy magic still hurts you more than if you were mortal.
Click to expand...

Would become:

Unholy Weaknesses:
Your hybrid situation makes you vulnerable to many influences, but buffers others.

You are harmed by curatives and purifiers.
Toching Garlic and Mistletoe inflicts a -3 poison condition on you. (To which you lack immunity by special exemption.)

Soap, running water, and most astringents burn you like sulfuric acid. (You can take baths if the materials provided are properly treated first, meaning they must be Desecrated with Black Magic.)

Thanks to your succubus heritage, it takes quintuple the time for you to be harmed by sunlight, though it's still advised to stay away.

Silver is still toxic to you: wounds from silver weapons not only take double normal time to heal, but inflict a -1 Bleed condition untill treated by Black Magic.

The mere presence of holy symbols wielded by a person of faith causes a -2 weakening of all stats, while contact burns you for 1d10 damage.

Almost needless to say, Holy magic and Consecrated items still inflict double normal damage. You should especially beware of Holy Water which will not only burn like acid, but takes triple normal time to heal.
Click to expand...

(Feel free to Copy/Paste the edited version.)

Third, your description of the characters clothing is either too verbose or not verbose enough. You need to either shorten it a lot or add a ton more adjectives to paint a clearer mental picture. Right now it exists in an uncomfortable middle ground between letting the reader picture it how they like and giving them enough description to understand exactly what she looks like...


Just my opinions, but I hope they help.
 
1) Curiosity killed the cat. The character was a good person in life, but it got them dead and lonely with no real satisfaction in life. I like to think of myself as a good person, but everytime I get the option, I love playing the villains in fictions. It is tempting to be a bad guy and live life a little, especially when you're dead. Besides, nothing can stop her from converting to a good guy with evil magic if she gets bored of being a villain.

2) I suck at making mechanics, and at the time there was no tangible, official mechanics to work with. Just make your own thing. So while carrying a faux-game motif, I jsut gave base generalizations of stuff she has to be wary of, things that can be a threat to her or things that she can do. I wasn't even going to bother hazarding making my own mechanics because that is not my forte.

3) I'm not quite sure I understand this criticism of descriptions. I never really get critique with how I describe my characters and their wear, more so that I tend to get compliments. So I'm a bit lost as to where and how I'm not being clear on how the character looks. Mind providing examples so I can see?

EDIT: But thanks for taking the time to offer your critique, and I'll take them into consideration for future reference.
 
I'm currently wondering what people think of my "Grey Jedi" story?

It was written originally over about a month of several hour long, intense, "RPG" like sessions once every day or two: I'd like to know what people think of what's been published so far, is it any good?
 
Nemo of Utopia said:
I'm currently wondering what people think of my "Grey Jedi" story?

It was written originally over about a month of several hour long, intense, "RPG" like sessions once every day or two: I'd like to know what people think of what's been published so far, is it any good?
Click to expand...

One of my favourites. Though partly because IIRC many are based on media I'm unfamiliar with.
 
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