Starlight Shimmer

[DoAdventures]

Story : https://chyoa.com/story/Starlight-Shimmer.19308

Hello all,

Whoring it out again for some feedback, what do people think of the pace so far? I'm enjoying telling the story and there is a bit more to come, especially from the political mess that will escalate but what about breaking the forth wall? Does it read OK? Can you tell where they come in?

Regards,
Doadventures.10

 

[Ben Rosewood]

It's off to a good start so far. I like the political storyline as it's a great way to push our protagonist into the deep end.

That being said, I find the 4th wall thing a bit jarring, but at the same time, it does add flavor and style. EDIT: I also feel the 4th wall thing might work better if it's coming from the main character rather than an anonymous narrator

I also wasn't big on the Training Montage. Whilst I like the idea of parodying/tributing such montages often found in movies (especially superhero movies), but the way it's written just feels awkward.

For example:

Day 15:

Woken up with a bucket of ice cold water splashing over her face.

Hovering in the middle of the room only a few centimeters above the ground, swaying left and right awkwardly.

This reads more like notes being taken rather than a story. If you had written it more conventionally this section would have worked much better. Something along the lines of:

Abigail is awoken by a bucket of ice-cold water. She awakens from her slumber and led to the training room. Vanish watches as she attempts to use her abilities, but all she can manage to do is awkwardly hover for a few seconds.

Finally, your dialog ends by describing the exact emotion we're supposed to take out of it, even when that's unnecessary. For example:

Stood in the middle of the hall, Vanish began tossing medicine balls at Starlight, who jumped out of the way like they’re dodge balls. “You’re supposed to catch them” she was mocked.

From the context of what had happened, I understood that Vanish was mocking Starlight. It just adds unnecessary words.

Still, I can see a lot of potential in the story and hope to see more.

 

[DoAdventures]

It's off to a good start so far. I like the political storyline as it's a great way to push our protagonist into the deep end.

That being said, I find the 4th wall thing a bit jarring, but at the same time, it does add flavor and style. EDIT: I also feel the 4th wall thing might work better if it's coming from the main character rather than an anonymous narrator

I also wasn't big on the Training Montage. Whilst I like the idea of parodying/tributing such montages often found in movies (especially superhero movies), but the way it's written just feels awkward.

For example:

Day 15:

Woken up with a bucket of ice cold water splashing over her face.

Hovering in the middle of the room only a few centimeters above the ground, swaying left and right awkwardly.

This reads more like notes being taken rather than a story. If you had written it more conventionally this section would have worked much better. Something along the lines of:

Abigail is awoken by a bucket of ice-cold water. She awakens from her slumber and led to the training room. Vanish watches as she attempts to use her abilities, but all she can manage to do is awkwardly hover for a few seconds.

Finally, your dialog ends by describing the exact emotion we're supposed to take out of it, even when that's unnecessary. For example:

Stood in the middle of the hall, Vanish began tossing medicine balls at Starlight, who jumped out of the way like they’re dodge balls. “You’re supposed to catch them” she was mocked.

From the context of what had happened, I understood that Vanish was mocking Starlight. It just adds unnecessary words.

Still, I can see a lot of potential in the story and hope to see more.

Hi Ben,

First of all, apologies for the late reply but thank you very much for the detailed response.

I wasn't sure how the forth wall breaking would be taken but can understand exactly what you mean. It was initially to add another flavour and to give it a try (Entirely different to anything else I've done)

The montage I know seems off and reads a little strange, I'm happy with what I got in it but I appreciate that it is a little awkward and as said, reads a little strange. I wanted quick lines that the reader could just plough through and I didn't want to get bogged down with the same sentences repeating and basically just taking up room and not moving the story beyond the chapter anyway?
Love the detailed and more story telling idea that you supplied of that chapter though and I've been busy working away to try and perhaps make an alternative that will do just the job.

I agree the added dialogue about Vanish mocking Starlight about the medicine balls but just wanted to make sure my point was getting across. (Obviously not taking into account the readers)

Thank you again, I've taken a lot on board from the above and their are new chapters written but they may take a while to be published. I really want to set the next one up giving the possibility of contributions but also trying to fit a lot in to move the story onto its next and considerably long phase.

Regards,
Doadventures.10

 

[Ben Rosewood]

I wasn't sure how the forth wall breaking would be taken but can understand exactly what you mean. It was initially to add another flavour and to give it a try (Entirely different to anything else I've done) Doadventures.10

To be fair, whilst I do find it jarring, it is also the only time I've ever seen it in a CHYOA story and it is interesting, even if I'm not 100% in love with it.

The montage I know seems off and reads a little strange, I'm happy with what I got in it but I appreciate that it is a little awkward and as said, reads a little strange. I wanted quick lines that the reader could just plough through and I didn't want to get bogged down with the same sentences repeating and basically just taking up room and not moving the story beyond the chapter anyway?
Love the detailed and more storytelling idea that you supplied of that chapter though and I've been busy working away to try and perhaps make an alternative that will do just the job.

I can see what you're getting at with the quick reading, but I still stand by my point.

Still, I'm excited for what comes next.