Come and post your opening lines...

[Myocastor_Coypus]

The Writer's Anonymous Forum on FFN has a thread exactly like this, and I thought it'd be an equally interesting exercise on this platform.

Basically, paste here the first one or two paragraphs of a story you're working on (published or not published), and see what other people think: does this make you want to read more?

I feel this might be useful for encouraging people to be more creative with their introductions. Personally, an initial chapter spent naming a bunch of people and assigning them various arbitrary attributes before making any attempt at storytelling is a bit of a turn off.

It seems only fair, that I should be first to enter the line of fire, thus here are the opening lines for The Infernal Machine :

"Do you want to fuck or are you still crushing on me?"

Certainly, I was staring at Carmencita. Certainly, I had lingering feelings for her even after she had rebutted me. And, under normal circumstances I might well have been staring, or frequently looking at her. She was eminently pleasing to behold. However, on this occasion, the cause of my fixation on her, and particularly specific regions of her body, rather than the phantom romantic impulses I sometimes felt toward her, was shock. When she barked at me for clarification, her words only added to the crisis.

What do you think?

 

[insertnamehere]

Personally, an initial chapter spent naming a bunch of people and assigning them various arbitrary attributes before making any attempt at storytelling is a bit of a turn off.

For sure - with a few fringe exceptions where it's appropriate.

It seems only fair, that I should be first to enter the line of fire, thus here are the opening lines for The Infernal Machine :

-snip-

What do you think?

That opening is pretty amazing stuff, and I'd definitely be interested in continuing to read. My assessment may be somewhat biased, however, as I recognise those lines, and I'm pretty sure I've already read what comes next.

As for my own opening lines - these are for The Lord's Companion:

Cool wind whistled through the grand hall. Its ceiling was suspended by flawlessly cut pillars. The tall, carefully hewn walls were dotted with flickering torches, which annoyed Martov. His command of magic was vast; why couldn't he simply make the lights glow without wavering? But no, his energy was spent wholly on the project around him - any more work would be the end of him, he knew. He was already brimming with stress and exhaustion.

It's not ideal, but it's better than what it would have been. This is the beginning of the prologue, not the first chapter, but of course, it's what people will read first.

 

[Myocastor_Coypus]

Thanks very much for your thoughts.

Cool wind whistled through the grand hall. Its ceiling was suspended by flawlessly cut pillars. The tall, carefully hewn walls were dotted with flickering torches, which annoyed Martov. His command of magic was vast; why couldn't he simply make the lights glow without wavering? But no, his energy was spent wholly on the project around him - any more work would be the end of him, he knew. He was already brimming with stress and exhaustion.

So, I do rather like the imagery, and this seems to nicely set up several different things about Martov: he's clearly a powerful sorcerer of some sort to be able to conjure a kind of palace around him (if that's what he's doing). We also get to see he's fallible what with the torches not being up to scratch, and that, powerful though he is, this feat is wearing him down, so we potentially have an idea of his strength.

Perhaps you could improve the contrast between what is demonstrated by the creation of this grand hall, and Martov's feelings towards it. I think if you went into a little further detail into this grand hall: how big is it? What is its purpose? What sort of furnishings does it have so far? How are the pillars cut and decorated? Is there a stylistically consistent theme to the structure?; and then go a little further into the toll of all this work on Martov. You mention that he's exhausted, but how does this manifest with him? Does he sweat a lot? Is he out of breath? Does his body ache from whatever physical movement is involved in the practice of magic on this scale?

Ooh, tiny, tiny nitpick: surely a ceiling is supported by pillars, not suspended?

Anyway, definitely an interesting starter.

 

[insertnamehere]

I should probably clarify that the prologue sort of exists separately from the rest of the story, and its significance is only made obvious later on, so it's intentionally vague. Some questions you raise are deliberately unanswered, particularly Martov's intentions - I need certain pieces of information to be omitted or the plot is spoiled early. Otherwise, your criticism is certainly valid, and I appreciate it.

Especially the supported/suspended issue. Looking back, I think I rushed this particular chapter. I only decided I wanted a prologue about twelve chapters into my (unpublished at the time) work, which means the time between its first draft and it being published was much less than usual.

 

[MidbossMan]

This is a fun idea! Dang, I thought I'd have some fun ones to post, but truth be told, my intros almost all follow this structure where there is kind of a twist or a surprise halfway through the opening... so the first paragraph is never particularly amusing. Something for me to work on.

Here is the opening to Nuns vs. Knights, with its admittedly long-winded opening chapter.

In front of a smaller than average congregation, unusually attended by a few of the kingdom's notably agnostic Knightly Order of Dyna, the head priestess of the Holy Church of Merridan addressed "her flock," as it were... even though the warriors in attendance actually outnumbered her faithful.

"In conclusion, give generously, my brothers and sisters. A heart that strays from our divine creator, Geod, is a heart that is susceptible to corrupt thoughts and malice against one's fellow man. A being with such a heart cannot receive Geod's love nor reciprocate it... Our city of Merridan only survives in these dark times thanks to the protection of the church. Indeed, our prayers and Geod's divine intervention have protected this city for centuries. Do not let our proud traditions fall in favor of, ahem, sacrilegious fashion..."

 

[Haoro]

Sounds interesting! I'll offer up some thoughts.

"Do you want to fuck or are you still crushing on me?"

Certainly, I was staring at Carmencita. Certainly, I had lingering feelings for her even after she had rebutted me. And, under normal circumstances I might well have been staring, or frequently looking at her. She was eminently pleasing to behold. However, on this occasion, the cause of my fixation on her, and particularly specific regions of her body, rather than the phantom romantic impulses I sometimes felt toward her, was shock. When she barked at me for clarification, her words only added to the crisis.

I really like the first line. It's perfect for an intro, punchy and getting to the point fast, drawing the reader in. The rest is good as well, but I do have some nitpicks. The language is clunky at times, especially the phrase 'eminently pleasing to behold', which sounds like something someone would think about a sculpture rather than a woman they're attracted to. In my opinion, that only works if you're trying to make the narrator sound pretentious. The next sentence runs on too much, with too many clauses that make it difficult to unpick. The reader is still thinking about 'the cause of my fixation' then you're giving them two other ideas, 'specific regions of her body' and 'phantom romantic impulses I sometimes felt towards her', separated by too many commas. Only then do you come back and explain that shock is the reason he's fixated on her in the first place. Maybe cut back on the use of commas here. It does end well though, introducing an idea of the narrator being in crisis which leaves me wondering why and wanting more.

In front of a smaller than average congregation, unusually attended by a few of the kingdom's notably agnostic Knightly Order of Dyna, the head priestess of the Holy Church of Merridan addressed "her flock," as it were... even though the warriors in attendance actually outnumbered her faithful.

"In conclusion, give generously, my brothers and sisters. A heart that strays from our divine creator, Geod, is a heart that is susceptible to corrupt thoughts and malice against one's fellow man. A being with such a heart cannot receive Geod's love nor reciprocate it... Our city of Merridan only survives in these dark times thanks to the protection of the church. Indeed, our prayers and Geod's divine intervention have protected this city for centuries. Do not let our proud traditions fall in favor of, ahem, sacrilegious fashion..."

As for Midbossman, you can see some nice themes emerging already, telling me the basics of what the story might be about, Religion in a Fantasy setting, possibly the conflict between the agnostic knights and the zealous church. Some questions arise which make me want to read more to answer them, like why the congregation is smaller than average, and what these dark times are that she's referring to. If I have any criticisms it would be I can't really give a voice to the priestess yet. Maybe you introduce more later, but it might be good to use an adverb or adjective to describe just how she's speaking.

Now, I guess it's only fair I offer up one of my own. This is from my story 'The Captive Prince':

Marcus was reading in bed when his kingdom fell. It was over an hour past his bedtime, but the young prince wanted to stay up and finish his book by candelight. It was way too exciting a story to put down, all about a brave and noble lady knight who saved a peasant boy from the clutches of an evil sorceress. He had his heart in his mouth at the thrilling action scenes, and when the knight took the boy in her arms for a romantic kiss he felt his cheeks flush and his belly flutter. If only that would happen to him!

Utterly oblivious as enemies scaled the walls of his family's home, Marcus rolled onto his back with a delighted squeal. He kicked his soft little legs in the air, dreaming of the day a beautiful lady in armor would sweep his body up in her arms and hold him tight. The thought made him blush even hotter, and he felt a naughty twitching in his dick.

I wanted to create a contrast here between the oblivious, pampered prince Marcus and a looming threat of enemies invading his home. Let me know what you think!

 

[Myocastor_Coypus]

I really like the first line. It's perfect for an intro, punchy and getting to the point fast, drawing the reader in. The rest is good as well, but I do have some nitpicks. The language is clunky at times, especially the phrase 'eminently pleasing to behold', which sounds like something someone would think about a sculpture rather than a woman they're attracted to. In my opinion, that only works if you're trying to make the narrator sound pretentious. The next sentence runs on too much, with too many clauses that make it difficult to unpick. The reader is still thinking about 'the cause of my fixation' then you're giving them two other ideas, 'specific regions of her body' and 'phantom romantic impulses I sometimes felt towards her', separated by too many commas. Only then do you come back and explain that shock is the reason he's fixated on her in the first place. Maybe cut back on the use of commas here. It does end well though, introducing an idea of the narrator being in crisis which leaves me wondering why and wanting more.

Thank you for this detailed critique, it was very illuminating. I do notice in my other writing that my tendency is to write excessively many clauses, and it is just becoming a solid habit to systematically seek ways to break them up into more palatable chunks. So I tried to apply your advice here, and came up with this:

Certainly I was staring at Carmencita, staring at her body. Indeed, I had lingering feelings toward her even after she had rebutted me. And under normal circumstances, I might well have been staring, or frequently looking her way. No amount of grief could change that she was in every inch and fibre pleasing to behold. However, on this occasion, the cause of my fixation on her, rather than any phantom romantic impulse, was shock. When she barked at me for clarification, her words only added to the crisis.

What do you think, juggernorth? Of course, if anybody else wishes to respond please do.

 

[Myocastor_Coypus]

Marcus was reading in bed when his kingdom fell. It was over an hour past his bedtime, but the young prince wanted to stay up and finish his book by candelight. It was way too exciting a story to put down, all about a brave and noble lady knight who saved a peasant boy from the clutches of an evil sorceress. He had his heart in his mouth at the thrilling action scenes, and when the knight took the boy in her arms for a romantic kiss he felt his cheeks flush and his belly flutter. If only that would happen to him!

Utterly oblivious as enemies scaled the walls of his family's home, Marcus rolled onto his back with a delighted squeal. He kicked his soft little legs in the air, dreaming of the day a beautiful lady in armor would sweep his body up in her arms and hold him tight. The thought made him blush even hotter, and he felt a naughty twitching in his dick.

I wanted to create a contrast here between the oblivious, pampered prince Marcus and a looming threat of enemies invading his home. Let me know what you think!

Well, I feel you are doing exactly what you set out to do, right from the first delightfully contradictory line. A hammer of doom is falling, that only the reader knows about, and yet whose unstoppable fall is mirrored in Marcus's anticipation, both at reaching the climactic end of the story he is reading, and in his hopes for the future, which it would seem are aboout to be spectacularly crushed and kicked into the ground.

I confess myself a little worried about whether this prince passes the Harkness Test.

 

[Haoro]

Certainly I was staring at Carmencita, staring at her body. Indeed, I had lingering feelings toward her even after she had rebutted me. And under normal circumstances, I might well have been staring, or frequently looking her way. No amount of grief could change that she was in every inch and fibre pleasing to behold. However, on this occasion, the cause of my fixation on her, rather than any phantom romantic impulse, was shock. When she barked at me for clarification, her words only added to the crisis.

Yeah that scans much better for me overall. You've kept your own style in the writing which is great, but it's clearer what's going on and easier to follow.

Well, I feel you are doing exactly what you set out to do, right from the first delightfully contradictory line. A hammer of doom is falling, that only the reader knows about, and yet whose unstoppable fall is mirrored in Marcus's anticipation, both at reaching the climactic end of the story he is reading, and in his hopes for the future, which it would seem are aboout to be spectacularly crushed and kicked into the ground.

I confess myself a little worried about whether this prince passes the Harkness Test.

Thanks! That was exactly what I was going for, so great to hear. Just looked up the Harkness Test, and yes he's meant to be overage, just physically small and kind of girly, plus totally sheltered all his life by an overbearing family which leaves him rather immature. I wanted what happens to him to be this kind of total shock to his system where he's torn from a life of ease into one of hardship. I could probably make that clearer though.

 

[gene.sis]

Cool wind whistled through the grand hall. Its ceiling was suspended by flawlessly cut pillars. The tall, carefully hewn walls were dotted with flickering torches, which annoyed Martov. His command of magic was vast; why couldn't he simply make the lights glow without wavering? But no, his energy was spent wholly on the project around him - any more work would be the end of him, he knew. He was already brimming with stress and exhaustion.

I could imagine some grumbling or internal monolog at the light malfunction. (Hinting at his age or that he's a curmudgeon, if applicable.)

Marcus was reading in bed when his kingdom fell.

At first, this sentence confused me a little as I wasn't sure if it was something that was about to happen in his book. But I'm not a native speaker, so that might be the reason.
Without knowing the environment (e.g. the main castle)... wouldn't he hear fighting noises?

Also, when the kingdom falls, it might be already useful to know that he is the prince. (In the next sentence, "youngling" might serve as a replacement, if that doesn't make him seem too young.)

 

[Deathcon]

Here's the first threeis paragraphs to my story The Bimbo Virus:

"Alert! Alert!" The alarm sounded. "The virus has spread! I repeat the virus has spread!" A man over the intercom yelled hysterically. Men and women in lab coats were running for their lives, pushing and shoving through the doors to save themselves.

"What's happening?" Asked a young blonde woman. Who recently graduated from college and was on her first day on the job.

"You must be the new girl? You see the short version is that there is a virus that turns anyone into sexy, and dumb bimbos." A greying old scientist said to the young lady. He was smoking a cigar and laying on a desk.

 

[Myocastor_Coypus]

"Alert! Alert!" The alarm sounded. "The virus has spread! I repeat the virus has spread!" A man over the intercom yelled hysterically. Men and women in lab coats were running for their lives, pushing and shoving through the doors to save themselves.

"What's happening?" Asked a young blonde woman. Who recently graduated from college and was on her first day on the job.

"You must be the new girl? You see the short version is that there is a virus that turns anyone into sexy, and dumb bimbos." A greying old scientist said to the young lady. He was smoking a cigar and laying on a desk.

Thank you, Deathcon.

So, there's definitely a strong opening in this, based just on the dialog. I'm sure you realise the premise of a virus turning everyone into some kind of sex fiend is not entirely unique, but you can always play with this in new ways. The scientist sort of person sounds especially interesting.

However, I feel this is a bit skeletal. It needs more context, and to take its time a little more. A couple of sentences could be added to help set the scene: Where is this? Let's say it's a research facility. Right before the alarm is called, you could simply say there is a research facility of so & so name, and mention one distinctive feature of it, one small thing that makes it memorable.

"What's happening?" Asked a young blonde woman. Who recently graduated from college and was on her first day on the job.

This is a little clunky. The period between "woman" and "who" is jarring. I would humbly suggest something more like "What's happening?" asked a recent college graduate. It was the first day on the job for the young blonde, and she was understandably out of the loop.

Where is she when asking "What's happening?" Is it inside a building? Is she outside? How does she run into the "greying old scientist"? Speaking of which...

"You must be the new girl? You see the short version is that there is a virus that turns anyone into sexy, and dumb bimbos." A greying old scientist said to the young lady. He was smoking a cigar and laying on a desk.

Start by describing this man. It doesn't have to be a portrait, you can simply point out one small thing about his appearance and his attitude, and where he is currently situated. Does he have tidy 'greying' hair? Does he have glasses and are they a funny shape? Is he literally lying down on top of his own desk? Is he smiling with glee or is he enjoying his last smoke before doomsday? How does he react to the young blonde woman? Does he offer her any sympathy (whether verbal or non-verbal)? Give a handful of these elements about him, and then transcribe his explanation. In that way you lend more colour to his speech, because you've given the reader a definite image which they can then animate in their head.

I hope this does not seem too harsh, it is not my intent to bash anyone, and I am not a supreme authority on writing by any means. Does this make me want to read more? It certainly could if there was more material there. That may simply be my tastes speaking.

 

[gene.sis]

you could simply say there is a research facility of so & so name

I guess that could be done while describing a lab coat. Though I think the short sentences at the beginning are just fine to get across the panic.

"The virus has spread! I repeat the virus has spread!"

I could imagine a more cryptic message that would keep the main character in the dark.
Maybe something like "Contamination detected in sector BV1! Follow protocol 0-7-1!"
So as she's new, she wouldn't know what BV means and she wouldn't know the protocol.
I'd also rather assume a computer voice. (I even guess that most people would rather run and close the doors from the outside instead of warning everyone.)

Given such gaps of knowledge, the woman could hastily ask the only person who still seems to be sane.


I really prefer the kind of opening lines that quickly offer a way to get into a story like those shown in this thread.

 

[JerkGently]

I'll bite, feel I don't engage enough on the forums here.

This is the opening paragraph of my newest story, https://chyoa.com/story/For-all-that-is-Holy.28455:

Chastity gazed into the flames… the cold night air sending electric shivers across her skin. She felt goosepimples rising across her tightly crossed arms. Her nervous, embarrassed compulsion to cover herself as much as possible. Yet, the fire from the barrel bathed her in waves of blistering heat. Its forked spew of flickering yellow and orange light casting away the shadows of all the figures surrounding her and it. Casting away the sparks and ashes of all she had left to own in this world. There, into that rusted old oil drum, had she deposited the very clothes from her back… right down to her last pair of clean, cotton panties. Mother had ordered it so… just as she had ordered the donation of all the rest of their worldly belongings and organised the sale of the house Chastity had spent so much of her life in.

Don't think it is quite as strong as some of my other introductions... doesn't seem to roll off the tongue as merrily as I endeavour for. But, then what would be the point of putting my strongest moments up for critique? Also, according to an immediate comment my use of the word 'goosepimples' confirms me as a 'Bongistanian'... if anyone can enlighten me as to what on earth that means I will be very grateful XD Am currently baffled...

 

[Haoro]

Chastity gazed into the flames… the cold night air sending electric shivers across her skin. She felt goosepimples rising across her tightly crossed arms. Her nervous, embarrassed compulsion to cover herself as much as possible. Yet, the fire from the barrel bathed her in waves of blistering heat. Its forked spew of flickering yellow and orange light casting away the shadows of all the figures surrounding her and it. Casting away the sparks and ashes of all she had left to own in this world. There, into that rusted old oil drum, had she deposited the very clothes from her back… right down to her last pair of clean, cotton panties. Mother had ordered it so… just as she had ordered the donation of all the rest of their worldly belongings and organised the sale of the house Chastity had spent so much of her life in.

I like this opening quite a bit. It's got lots of mystery. We don't know what's happening here, but there's an air of something threatening and very wrong that makes me want to read more to see just what position Chastity has been forced to. You reflect her reluctance well with the lingering over what she's just discarded and how it is ordered by her Mother instead of chosen by her, showing through her thoughts that she's not entirely happy with this state of affairs without just outright saying it. I get the sense she's a girl who is easily led, and doesn't voice her own opinions very much, probably because of an overbearing Mother.

If I had any criticisms, it's that some of the sentences are a little overly wordy, like the description of the fire seems like it could be made much simpler and still retain the same meaning. Plus, I don't really like so many ellipses in quick succession, especially if you continue to use them that much in the rest of the story. Both of those are kind of personal nitpicks of mine though. You may feel otherwise.

Also, according to an immediate comment my use of the word 'goosepimples' confirms me as a 'Bongistanian'... if anyone can enlighten me as to what on earth that means I will be very grateful XD Am currently baffled...

Bongistani means you're British. The reason is kind of complicated and comes from the chans, so it's weird and vaguely offensive too. I could explain exactly why, but it'll take a while.

 

[JerkGently]

If I had any criticisms, it's that some of the sentences are a little overly wordy, like the description of the fire seems like it could be made much simpler and still retain the same meaning. Plus, I don't really like so many ellipses in quick succession, especially if you continue to use them that much in the rest of the story. Both of those are kind of personal nitpicks of mine though. You may feel otherwise.

No, no. I agree, that's what I mean by it not quite flowing right. I do have a tendency to go overboard with ellipses and extensions. Though I sometimes go overly poetic with my language on purpose to really hold the reader in a moment, before slamming more physical depictions in with short, sharp sentences. It's all about getting the balance right, and letting the words reach a rhythm that follows the beats I hear them reel out inside my head. I do feel that's where my strength in writing lies: being able to see the natural flow to a paragraph that makes it sound like internal narration. But when I get it wrong it can be jarring and maddening, as there is no quick and easy fix...

Bongistani means you're British. The reason is kind of complicated and comes from the chans, so it's weird and vaguely offensive too. I could explain exactly why, but it'll take a while.

Ah... because 'goosebumps' would be the idiom... like the old tv show. And after I've been careful to remove all 'u's to avoid scaring the yanks... XD Oh well, I don't think I'll be particularly offended by the term, sounds almost endearing to my ears XP Still a strange thing to decide to comment... but then people on the internet do so enjoy their petty, little triumphs eh? Good for moda-somethingsomething!

 

[insertnamehere]

Chastity gazed into the flames… the cold night air sending electric shivers across her skin. She felt goosepimples rising across her tightly crossed arms. Her nervous, embarrassed compulsion to cover herself as much as possible. Yet, the fire from the barrel bathed her in waves of blistering heat. Its forked spew of flickering yellow and orange light casting away the shadows of all the figures surrounding her and it. Casting away the sparks and ashes of all she had left to own in this world. There, into that rusted old oil drum, had she deposited the very clothes from her back… right down to her last pair of clean, cotton panties. Mother had ordered it so… just as she had ordered the donation of all the rest of their worldly belongings and organised the sale of the house Chastity had spent so much of her life in.

As is normally the case with your writing, this is of excellent quality. The only criticism I could really offer is that some of your sentences have incomplete clauses. For instance:
Her nervous, embarrassed compulsion to cover herself as much as possible.
This just an elaborate noun, not a statement. I think its abrupt ending where the reader expects a predicate may be deterimental to the flow. Correctly:
She had a nervous, embarrassed compulsion to cover herself as much as possible.

 

[JerkGently]

As is normally the case with your writing, this is of excellent quality. The only criticism I could really offer is that some of your sentences have incomplete clauses. For instance:
Her nervous, embarrassed compulsion to cover herself as much as possible.
This just an elaborate noun, not a statement. I think its abrupt ending where the reader expects a predicate may be deterimental to the flow. Correctly:
She had a nervous, embarrassed compulsion to cover herself as much as possible.

Hmm, yes I see what you mean... but somehow the ring of starting that next sentence with 'Her' makes me feel like it brings the description in closer... makes you feel more inside her skin. I don't know whether it's just a sense of running on from the previous sentence... or just my aversion to starting any two sentences the same. Of course it could be 'Her nervous, embarrassed compulsion was to cover herself as much as possible' which would be more correct... but again just sort of feels like it adds a slight extra layer of distance between the reader and character. Your response to being cold and naked: to cover yourself. Perhaps the answer is to add a colon... I'm afraid I am one of those terrible people who believes that grammar is a tool to be abused in the name of translating the desired meanings/feelings, rather than a set of absolutes to adhere to. I am aware that this causes many lovely, innocent people to be filled with a rage insurmountable XD

 

[RejectTed]

Don't know if this counts because it's really a side story for bondage in space, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

The ability to eat breakfast before getting dressed is one of the perks to being the captain of a star ship. A perk Commander Jane Pegasus was taking full advantage of. That is to say, she was eating her bacon flavored protein brick while only in the military issued sweat shirt and pants she had worn for her morning run.

On the other hand, Lt. Wynn, the only other occupant of the officer's lounge, was in her uniform with her black hair in obsessively ordered french braid, as she stood fidgeting more than someone standing on an ant hill.

It descends into basic "about the next mission" exposition after that, but I think its a good start.

 

[Mordredaggrfall]

This is a good idea for those who need help on that damned intro chapter.


The whispers caused me to freeze in place. They were both distant and near. As if they were coming from in my own head. I carefully scanned the surroundings woods, trying to ignore the occasional bird. I focused on my right, the side had a slightly slope down. They seem to become fainter the longer I stared that way.

When I did the same to the left, they grew louder. I followed them into the forest. Some parts getting clearer, while others were still garbled. The leaves crunched as I pushed branches out of my way.

I stopped in front of an old cabin. They were the loudest here. I quietly moved around the old wooden cabin, long forgotten, looking for the door. I stopped as soon as I found it. I contemplated for a second. My former friend's words and warnings replaying in my head. I walked up to the door and opened it. The whispers became even louder. They were almost like a woman was talking. I stepped in, the whispers quieting down, as I spotted something shining. It was a jeweled amulet. Grabbing it, caused the whispers to stop.

You don't know want to know how many times I rewrote that...and if it helps, the story is a witch (the POV/protag) and her sister trying to 'summon' a Succubus (explained later on). But there is either very little of this type of story or there is none at all, so I had nothing to draw from.

Edit: Stupid question, but how many first paragraph should we post?