Hi, everyone. Hoping to turn this topic into a discussion thread for my story, called “Advanced Fantasy” The biggest story line in Advanced Fantasy is a slice of life harem, focusing on Arthur and his escapades, set in a fantasy universe where technology has advanced to modern day levels. Arthur uncovers a ancient secret that propels him forward and changes him irreversibly. I’m aiming for a cross between Onward and Monster Musume. Anyways I’m looking for feedback. I’m a pretty new writer and I want the help. https://chyoa.com/story/Advanced-Fantasy.39456
I added a link to the story. Let me know what you think, I’m excited to hear some of your feedback. I’m still a pretty green writer, so I appreciate you helping me out.
Dungeons & Dragons meets The Office. I like the concept, but it feels like your prose is largely perfunctory. I'd like to see a little more worldbuilding early on. In terms of writing, you have big blocks of text that should be broken up for easier reading, and when it comes to dialogue especially your sentences tend to run together which makes them difficult to read. On top of that, many of the chapters are very short, no more than a long paragraph. I would recommend, if you ever feel like polishing some of the early chapters, to spread things out and add a little more background material. The questions prompting the next chapter are a mixed bag; most of them are workable, but sometimes get this one where the question is "What is Kira doing" (no question mark) and the answer is "What is Kira doing?" For a fairly linear path that doesn't make much difference, but if you ever intend to branch out later, that kind of thing can be annoying, or turn people off from contributing another option because there isn't a very obvious choice to be made. As for sex scenes... Good attitude, but remember this isn't a race. Feel free to adjust the pace, indulge yourself a little. Focus on what they're feeling, physically and emotionally. Sex is about more than how big the cock is and how tight the pussy is; think about what their relative sizes are to each other, the difference in height, weight...whether she has fangs...what she smells like, what they sound like when they moan, how orc women blush, the size of her breasts relative to his hands, etc. etc. In other words, it's not bad, but there's room to indulge yourself a little bit. Have fun! Other than that, I think you've got a fairly strong plotline going what with the mental coercion on the various monster girls. It might be nice to see paths that lean in on specific kinks (breeding, bimboization, submissiveness, etc.) but follow your own inclinations on that one.
Hey I appreciate the response. I’ve definitely been working on refining my writing process and I think it improves pretty strongly over time. Do you still find those issues(readability, pacing, descriptiveness) with any of the later chapters?
They're definitely issues that become less prevalent as you go on - but keep in mind, new readers are going to work through the first chapters, which is why I recommend if you feel up to it, maybe go back and touch up some of the earlier chapters - or at least break up the big single-block-big-paragraph chapters.
Okay, so I went through the first thirty chapters or so, adding page breaks and making some adjustments to pacing. After about chapter thirty I think I do a good job of keeping away from the walls of text.
I’m up to about twice as many chapters as when I first posted this. I’ve added a character summary section and have a larger cast in general. I really want to hear thoughts from anyone who has kept up with this.
I have been so busy of late, I have scarcely had time to write or read anything; have you considered posting your story for Marcie & Gina Read CHYOA? You have more than enough chapters to qualify.
Maybe! It'll mostly be pointless bitching and foul-mouthed tirades of endless disgust. But you never know.
I got up to 53.1 Enthusiastically, I'm just really behind on things. Writing on my own story has slowed way, way down.
Hey that’s still really awesome. I’m just glad that you got that far. I still think some of the most fun chapters for me are the Mata chapters. I’m really guilty of favoritism.
Should I bother checking on here anymore? I really want to hear peoples opinions, and I’ve put out easily another 15 chapters since the last time anyone else has posted on here.
Is there something specific you want feedback or guidance on? Your story is hugely successful, so whatever you're doing - it is working.
Is it though? I have no baseline to compare it to. If I go purely by numbers my likes on new chapters have been reduced by more than half. I feel like I’m losing it. It feels like none of my new stuff is getting as much attention as the old. Even when I start new threads with new characters? Is my pacing wrong? Are my scenes descriptive? Is my writing too stiff? I took a big break where I wasn’t able to add to it for a while and I’ve felt off my game since I started again.
I guess success is defined by one's own ambition, but here's a comparison: Advanced Fantasy is currently 50th in the Fantasy category if you sort by Likes (called "Rating") out of over 2300 stories. Fantasy being one of the larger categories. Many of the ones ahead of it are either multi-author stories that are getting much more frequent updates, or stories that have been up for multiple years. Yours is 10 months old and you've done the vast bulk of the writing yourself. By any way of looking at it, that's wildly popular and you have every reason to be proud. It may not feel that way if you're comparing likes and numbers of chapter 70 with chapter 2, but that's a difficulty inherent in writing long-form erotica on this site. Old readers fall off for a variety of reasons, most of which may have nothing to do with quality, and new ones can be hard to snag if the story is long and looks like it requires a commitment. I admit I have not read your stuff but I can take a look at your newer threads with fresh eyes and see if anything stands out.
