A Servant

[Twest]

My first story on the site, which be found here: https://chyoa.com/story/A-Servant.8946

It's about a world where some people have trained there whole lives to be servants, essentially a combination of a maid and a courtesan, and you play as a man about to choose one to live with him.

It's very much a work in progress, but I thought I would post the first 40 or so chapters to get feedback and have possible contributes. It also focuses much more on going wide then deep. I would much prefer to write chapters that give you two possible responses to a chapter then just go deep on one story thread with little or no input. So that being said, the chapters deep metric can definitely be deceiving.

Currently focusing on mainly writing for the Jane servant, personal bias, though I still do plan to occasionally update the Lily. No current plans to personally write the ability to play as female or have a third choice of servant, though I am not opposed to either of those things should someone want to contribute.

Any feedback or questions are greatly appreciated.

 

[Javalar]

I like the setting and the one of the story so far.

My impression is that you are branching out so quickly that you might have trouble catching up with all those different threads, which are, in the end, all similar. I would probably try to set up specific points where all or most branches go back together, otherwise you'll get quickly lost in the countless possibilities. The most logic points would be Day 1, Day 2, etc. The problem could be in this case that decisions taken earlier become meaningless, so if you had sex with the girl or not will still let her react the same way when you want to have sex on Day 3. Solution could be to work with variables and mark down certain ground breaking developments. Those could alter the course later then.

Another thing I am not sure of is the exact nature, mindset and training of the girls. Who and what are they? Are they happy being servants? Are they trained to not care at all? Brainwashed? Broken? The Jane plot gives some indications, but a lot is left to guessing. That makes it a bit more difficult to contribute and describe how the servant reacts to certain wishes.

 

[Twest]

Thanks for the feedback. The multithread problem is a known one and was anticipated from the start with several focal points to converge the threads already planned, the first that is already in the story, being dinner.

I would love to somehow mark player choices in converging threads, but so far other then having some threads have copy pasted focal points, I do not know how to do this in Chyoa.

Finally the servants are a result of the society the game takes place in, it's a culture that treats them as a norm and they have spent most of their lives in the position, so most of them are fine with it because they have never considered that life could have been different. A lot of this information is planned to be slowly revealed over conversations and inference.

I know this doesn't change the fact this isn't really apparent in the text yet, but I am aware of the issue. Once again, thank you for the feedback, I really do appreciate it.

 

[Javalar]

I would love to somehow mark player choices in converging threads, but so far other then having some threads have copy pasted focal points, I do not know how to do this in Chyoa.

If you click on "Edit Story", you can tick "chapters can have conditions", which opens a whole new world of features.

You can have attributes counting up or down (marked as "00") or you can have true/false flags (marked with check mark and "x"). This would allow you for example to add a flag like "Happy" to Jane, if the owner has treated her well. Or "Orgasm", if he made her cum, and so on... If you write a new chapter, you can tick "Conditions to view this chapter", and could decide that only people who achieved the "Happy" flag can click on the chapter "Jane offers you a blowjob".

The system is a bit limited, but I find it quite useful as it is so far. If you want to have an idea, you can check out my "Happy Maid" story. I made quite heavily use of all those variables, in the beginning mainly to test the feature.

Finally the servants are a result of the society the game takes place in, it's a culture that treats them as a norm and they have spent most of their lives in the position, so most of them are fine with it because they have never considered that life could have been different. A lot of this information is planned to be slowly revealed over conversations and inference.

Makes sense. Thanks for that!

 

[Twest]

Wow. Thank you! This makes things way easier and even allows me to do some things I wasn't sure if I would do or not.