Audio Recordings - How'd I do?

[Warden-Yarn15]

Before I start, I'd just like to clarify that, honesty will be appreciated, as while I am happy with the concept, I do think my execution is poor (but not poor enough to absolutely abhor it unlike my other original idea) and the sex scenes are mediocre at best.

But after I published the story, I opened a thread in the forums asking if it was better to write realistic-ish characters, or just try to make a perfect self-insert. I opted for the former, even though I did think of making the protagonist completely nameless, but when the "2nd protagonist" came around, I figured that it would make more sense story-wise for her to try and be friendly (when she most likely just doesn't care and wants to get a job done).

Prior to this, I have been told that I suck at contextualizing, but this time I have no excuse if the lack of details for the only physical character, so if you think that the MC is just fucking some kind of sentient air with an ass, boobs, and lips, tell me - I deserve that.

Here's the story in question:

https://chyoa.com/chapter/[Original]-Audio-Recordings.1183609

 

[Impregmaniac]

First off, that read and felt like you were sprinting to the end.

Second, while I understood the premise, Alice did not come across to me as a professional Voice Actress. No script, no directions, no nothing. Also, zero reaction to the MC just shoving himself into her butt with no lube? I'm fairly sure that a pseudo-realistic woman would at least go "what the fuck dude?!"

I have been told that I suck at contextualizing

Also, can you define this? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by it.

 

[Warden-Yarn15]

Also, can you define this? I'm not entirely sure what you mean by it.

By contextualizing, I meant to provide context.

A lot of times, a few people are confused with the prompts I write because, I think, they seem like they're from somewhere at the middle of a story, rather than its own self-contained story.

 

[Dissonant Soundtrack]

I got a similar vibe to Impregmaniac, it felt a little rushed and businesslike, but I also thought that was the point. They're both doing it for work.

The dialogue at the end, though, where Matt and Alice make a date doesn't really fit IMO. Matt's done almost nothing through the scene that should win her over, so why in the world would she accept his date? He insulted her out-loud, admitted to himself that he was doing a poor job sexually, accused her of doing a poor job sexually, and referred to her "cold dead eyes." She should ghost that guy.

 

[Warden-Yarn15]

The dialogue at the end, though, where Matt and Alice make a date doesn't really fit IMO. Matt's done almost nothing through the scene that should win her over, so why in the world would she accept his date? He insulted her out-loud, admitted to himself that he was doing a poor job sexually, accused her of doing a poor job sexually, and referred to her "cold dead eyes." She should ghost that guy.

But in all honesty, yeah.

Kinda... kinda felt like I was forcing the dialogue at the end... I think I just had/wanted to develop it further, but what was happening in my brain came out wrong.

 

[Impregmaniac]

it felt a little rushed and businesslike, but I also thought that was the point

Admittedly, I am quite critical of myself when it comes to pacing, but space is not a premium online. Could have been a two chapter thing to let it breathe a bit. Again, this is a me problem. That being said, there is a difference between direct and businesslike, and "We're fucking now." "...okay."

In terms of context, I understood the set-up and pay off. Animator animating porn, VA comes over to record audio, needs actual sex noises because of reasons, etc. But I got pulled out of it with her saying "I can use a dildo later if it doesn't sound good" and the constant it's a job references.

Alice, I think, could have used an accessory or something. A defining physical trait for the imagination to work with instead of being a generic pig-tailed blonde.

Regarding the ending, if you are hard set on keeping them together for a reason, I think that you could have made it job related. Mic and/or laptop battery died, capture software crashed, file was corrupted, etc. Therefore, despite them not enjoying sleeping with each other, they have to do it again.

At the end though, I think it passed the Hitchcock Fridge test, but just barely.

 

[Warden-Yarn15]

At the end though, I think it passed the Hitchcock Fridge test, but just barely.