Becoming a Warrior!

Almax

Almax

Really Experienced
Hello! This is a bit weird feeling for me, because I’ve always been a lurker with basically everything that I do and this is a strange spot to break that cycle, but I’d super like some feedback on my story if anybody’s got the time for it.

I’m trying to do a pseudo-game type of story, where you generally end up in the same spots but the way that you get there can go a bunch of ways. I started it back in December, and though I’ve been going slower lately with school stuff it’s at 334 chapters at the moment (no idea how many of those are link chapters! I’d probably put it at 210-250 unique chapters, but then also quite a few are actually like three chapters depending on your variables and stuff).

It’s not really a hardcore thing at all, so I’m not sure if it fully fits in properly with the stuff here, but I’d still love a lot to hear what people think and what people with all of the experience can recommend to make it better! If you’re happy to take the time to read it a bit and let me know your thoughts about it, I’d be super duper grateful, because this whole thing is really really foreign for me. Thank you!

https://chyoa.com/story/Becoming-a-Warrior!.25486
 
Hey, just wanted to let you know I really enjoy this story! The main character is very cute and I love the humor in the writing. Pretty much my ideal type of story!
 
MidbossMan said:
Hey, just wanted to let you know I really enjoy this story! The main character is very cute and I love the humor in the writing. Pretty much my ideal type of story!
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Oh hey, thank you a lot! That's a super nice thing to hear. I'm really glad that you like it!
 
Hey, also! If anybody encounters any bugs with the Game Mode, or has anything that they want to see happen, this can be used as another spot for that on top of feedback! Should've said that from the start. Hope everybody's been having an awesome day!
 
One potentially last thing for anybody that's read a decent chunk of the story -- it's been under the "Miscellaneous" category since the start because I didn't and don't know where else it'd go, but now I'm seeing a bunch of stuff about improper categorisation popping up and stuff, so I don't want to be getting it wrong and I'm pretty bad at identifying sex-stuff terminology on a nuanced level (I'm not really even entirely sure if a gentle woman being in control and a woman whipping a dude are both femdom)

So! Looking over the categories, other than miscellanous, I think it could only really be "Bisexual", "Fetish", "Fantasy", "Humour and Satire", or "Teen" -- but I also don't want to be misleading, and I really feel like if somebody goes in for a fantasy story for example they'd leave disappointed. Also, someone who doesn't like fantasy stories might like this one, and stuff like that. Then there are things like "Teen" or "Humour", which are both sorta elements, but I'm not confident as to whether or not they're enough of a focus, ya know? And "Fetish" I just have NO idea what's applicable. So if anybody has any better idea as to what the category could be, or if "Miscellaneous" is right because it's just too hard to categorise, I'd super duper uber appreciate the help! Thank you!

(I'm also pretty wary of making a feedback thread that just becomes the author shouting "ECHO" into a cool cave that echoes, so that's why I say one potentially last thing. Thanks for havin' a read! Hope people enjoy the story, or let me know what could be done to let them! I know it's a pretty mixed bag of sex-stuff styles, which makes it hard to pin down.).
 
Seems to me Fantasy would be a good fit for it; it isn't quite fantasy, but there's still things like hunting parties of warriors and things, combat classes at school, and such. I'd say it has enough of the fantasy stuff to go there.

In the end, it's up to you and I don't think you're likely to experience much hurt no matter where you put it. I actually don't know how often people dive into a category and search stories from it, or disqualify stuff for a tag that's something as harmless as Miscellaneous, but my expectation is not that much. I do all of my finding of new stories by either the front page updates or diving through profiles. :p
 
Thanks! I'll probably just keep it in miscellaneous to be safe then, but that's a relief -- I was pretty worried I might be doing a HUGE bad thing. Thanks again for the answer!
 
This is really good. Love the protagonist! It's nice to have a cute, fun story like this once in a while!
 
Oh hey, thank you so so much! That's such an awesome thing to hear, I'm really super duper glad you're enjoying it!
 
I found your story via: recommendation of Midbossman, in reference to a good example of 'how to do difficulty right but still keep it fun'

Initial thoughts:
You do a phenomenal job of 'tongue-in-cheek'. The humor really makes you feel like you want to read more carefully so you don't miss the quick, witty jokes. This ties in with the naivety of the protagonist, a very endearing quality that comes across really well in the initial stages of the story. I would enjoy putting in more time to this thing, because it really does feel like I'm 'playing' instead of just 'reading and choosing'.

Game mode coding: you must be fucking awesome at this. It's a great, great example of a game design that I can only hope I can work harder towards approaching myself one day. I love that you keep it simple but contrasting with money (must accrue and can fluctuate) and purity (initial 100 and only goes down). It's a very good yin-yang basis. You have put in special events that come up via a recognizable hub chapter, and I really like that there are many many chances to go and explore the world. How on earth do you keep track of all these details / plan this massive undertaking?

I'll try to give more feedback as i continue in the story!
 
Oh man, I'm smiling absolutely from ear to ear right now. Thank you so much, that's such a huge heaping of super positive stuff you just gave me! Actually, right now if you add up all of my lil desktop notes on stuff I wanna do, the main-story plan going forward, and easy-to-find variable reminders for me (plus things like descriptions of people n shizz) it's 51KB of .txt files (which is probably misleading when compared to if they were all on one document, but it makes me feel powerful, so shhhh). I have a TON of fun making little text changes/additions depending on random game mode states, as well as the super big option additions and subtractions, and it's really really cool to hear that it makes players feel cool and that their choices actually matter (which is ze goal!).

Also, thanks bunches for all of those compliments about the humour and writing too. I'm probably super rambly right now but that's just because I'm really happy after reading everything you said. You've made my absolute day, thank you so so much, that was so incredibly kind and you really went out of your way to say it all. Have an absolutely incredible rest of your day!!
 
Hey, I figured I should put this question to anyone caught up and reading! I put a comment of the weekend chapter, but when you comment on a non-introduction chapter several days after it's been released, I don't think a lot of people see it.

I was wondering how many activities you think should be done on the weekend before going back to Coinpilfer for week two (the option to skip the rest is always there, I'm talkin' maximum options here). I probably wouldn't be willing to go outside of the 1-3 range without good reasoning, and I'm leaning more towards 1-2, but I wanted to get some peoples' input. The number of ideas aren't a problem, because I've got genuine TONS of ideas for weekend options. If anybody wants to help me out, you might want to know that year one at Coinpilfer will (probably) be somewhere from 3-6 weeks, which means 2-5 weekends in total for year one (can't really narrow down that range anymore just yet).

On one hand, I want to keep it small so that people can get right back to the university action pretty quick without feeling like they're missing out on stuff by using the skip link -- I also feel like if there's enough time where somebody could feasibly do EVERY weekend option in a single playthrough, it's a bit of a bad thing, because it reduces player choice from "what will you do" to "what order will you do these things in". Plus, since some of the options will required certain previous events in order to be accessible, if it was possible to do them all then any players who didn't meet every single requirement would have to use the skip link at least once, which would feel like they'd failed or something.

On the other hand, I'd still like for the weekend to be something for players, and something they feel like they can experience a good chunk of. It's a nice sit-back-and-relax break from the university chapters, where your decisions impact your future less and everything's more focused on having fun and cute stuff to do. You don't need to worry about The Argent Sorority, or getting Newton to graduate, or whether or not Lexi's doing alright, you can just take some time to have a picnic or go watch a comedy show before diving back into the main bits.

So, yeah! Any answers would be awesome, and if you think it should be outside of the 1-3 range then say why because you might be able to change my mind. Thanks for all the help, you guys!
 
In my mind these plans for the weekend could be a little tricky, because you want it to be something people can afford to skip, but you don't want them to want to skip it. Frankly, my thinking would be that you would be better off putting something less skippable here than making it intentionally inconsequential so that people can choose to skip it without losing anything.

That said, if making this part optional is what you wanna do, then I'd say play it like the history lessons or the TV episodes you've used so far. That is, I'd give people something sexy, but not something related to their stats or relationships. For example, watching a saucy movie, masturbating, maybe an ENF scenario shopping for clothes, etc.

Not that I don't think it would be fun to read about something non-saucy, but I have to figure people's favorite non-saucy parts still involve characters you can build relationships with. So, to me, if you're leaving those characters out for this, Debbie should be maximizing her "me time." ;)

Just my two cents; I'm sure whatever you choose to write will harbor its usual charm. :)
 
Oh, don't worry, I'm definitely gonna try make each thing at the very worst bordering on erotic (and most of the time more than that), I was more just wondering how many things to do so that people who want to get back to Coinpilfer for the next week don't skip it or parts of it. I'm planning to try an enf part right now actually, which I've never done before (and don't fully understand the methods of from reading other peoples' stuff), so hopefully I do an alright job of it!

As always, thanks tons for your input and support and just general niceness. It's really such a superb motivator, and now that real-world things are settling down in terms of how much attention I've got to give them, I'm definitely gonna have an absolute streak of new chapters incoming. Thank you!
 
As someone who's starting a Game Mode story, I have the utmost respect for how you've worked it.
military-humor-v-22-osprey-mad-props[1].jpg

The way you've worked those loops is sensational, and as MidbossMan stated earlier, your protagonist is adorable.
 
Oh man, thanks so much! I'm so glad you enjoy it, and it's really really cool hearing you talk about it like that. I'm gonna get stuck into making a bunch more chapters soon, since real-life time-investment stuff is slowing down, and you saying such nice things like that is a huge encouragement. Have an absolutely stellar rest of your day!
 
I'm nearly back for week 2! My last exam for year 12 and last bit of school ever is this upcoming Friday, so after that, I'll be able to bang out the few bits that are left! Like I said in the lil author's note at the bottom of the current deepest chapter, I've already started work on the following days, so there's some new Free Time stuff to do and most of Week 2, Day 1 is already complete. Actually, all of it except for one or two options in the Combat Class which I should get finished in the next day or two! After that, I just want to add some more Free Time stuff that's become available, and I'll publish the chapter that links up the deepest one with the second week.

Sorry it took so so long! Things have just been really busy with school, but like I mentioned (and am very happy to be mentioning), that'll never be an issue again now! I've got the next two weeks at Coinpilfer fully planned out, so updates should be coming like they were for the first half of this year again once I'm free. I'm really excited to see how people like the Week 2, Day 1 Combat Class as well -- it's taken most of the bits of time I've spent working on the week. It's a simulated battle that should last at least five proper choices, all depending on your Equipment and your upgrades from Equipment Maintenance class last week. Not including linking chapters (of which there are a LOT), there are already 60 unique chapters and will probably be around 63 when I'm done -- plus an evaluation at the end that analyses how you actually did in the combat! It's been a lot, but I think it'll hopefully make players really feel like their choices are properly mattering, and it's a nice way to practice techniques I can use in future combat scenarios.

Personally, I think that Day 2 is gonna be really cool, but Day 1 should have a good amount of cool stuff (moreso in the extra Free Time department -- if you reached the deepest point when it was published, then the so far two (and soon to be three) watchable Arena fights will hopefully be a nice treat! There's a bunch of other new stuff all around too, but I won't mention and spoil it all. Some will come only in later days.).

Anyway! I just wanted to let people know what was up. I'll put another thingy here when I'm satisfied with the completion and Free Time activities of Week 2, Day 1, so that you can get notified when it gets opened up properly (add this thread to "watched" if you've not commented here yet, then you'll get notifications). Again, I'm super duper sorry that it's taken so long and I've really missed being able to make this stuff. It shouldn't be much longer now! Have an awesome rest of your night, everyone!
 
Almax said:
So! Looking over the categories, other than miscellanous, I think it could only really be "Bisexual", "Fetish", "Fantasy", "Humour and Satire", or "Teen" -- but I also don't want to be misleading, and I really feel like if somebody goes in for a fantasy story for example they'd leave disappointed. Also, someone who doesn't like fantasy stories might like this one, and stuff like that. Then there are things like "Teen" or "Humour", which are both sorta elements, but I'm not confident as to whether or not they're enough of a focus, ya know? And "Fetish" I just have NO idea what's applicable. So if anybody has any better idea as to what the category could be, or if "Miscellaneous" is right because it's just too hard to categorise, I'd super duper uber appreciate the help! Thank you!
Click to expand...

Man, this is a minefield, I know the struggle.
 
Okay, as promised, here's the notification! Week 2's now all opened up for viewing, with all of the new Free Time activities that entails and all. The first day's already finished and ready for you, and the second day's a bit over halfway done (to be finished in the next at most 3 real-world days). I hope it doesn't disappoint, and I hope it's fun for you all to read! Super duper apologies for the long wait, again, but Year 12 exams were a big time sink. Have an awesome rest of your nights!
 
Hello!

So, for most of the story's life so far, I've been constantly going back to already-written parts and making lil adjustments here and there. Things like optimising game code systems, adding more text for special game states, fixing up errors along the way, and so on -- at some point, I'd like to go through the entire story again and rewrite anything that sounds weird or isn't what I want the story to be about anymore, because I think I've gotten much better at this whole thing as time's gone on and also a lot of the time I don't do a full entire proofread of sections because I know I can and will fix 'em up later.

I'm gonna keep doing this in small little bits probably forever, just to make the story better and better all the time as well as to retroactively add to old things to have them work better with new things -- as an upcoming example that's in my head, after becoming a fan of your wrestling upperclasswoman Gold Rush, if I've got it so you can meet her in the showers at one point and then add that you can find her working out in the Gym at one other point. I could make it a bit construed and more linear than I'd like to, by having the shower meeting be a requirement of the Gym meeting, but I'd much rather have special text in each for if it's your first meeting with her or if you're coming off the experience of the other meeting.

BUT! With all the intricate stuff that goes on at Coinpilfer University, most of my small-time tinkering and additions will be there. I probably won't be able to revamp the opening chapters and areas of the Town with my small between-chapters tinkering, only if I do a fully dedicated go-through over a couple of weeks. Which is why I came here! I'd be happy enough to wait a good long time until two or three in-story weeks of Coinpilfer classes are done, or maybe even the entire first year (which would be three to six in-story weeks, depending on stuff), before going to do that whole revamp. That way, there's a bunch more content for readers to get through before I have to disappear into the opening chapters for a while. Or, instead, I could just finish off a couple more in-story days right now, maybe the rest of the current week, and then go do it right away, much sooner.

The main factor that would decide what happens here is basically just how badly that revamp needs to happen. Which is why I've come here, to get opinions that probably aren't as overly-close as mine would probably be, and see if any are really strong!

To anybody that's read the starting chapters in the Town, and also the later stuff at Coinpilfer, do you think a person that might enjoy what the story's standard is now could be driven off by the lower standard in the beginning? And do you think it's an accurate representation of all the rest that comes after in general, from writing and game system and tone standpoints? And do you think it's in desperate need of an overhaul at all? Thanks so much to anybody who answers this, even if it's just to say you don't really feel strongly either way, because I'm not quite sure what people's thoughts would be and I don't wanna take that time away from the latest stuff if it's just me being a dummy. Have a good rest of your day!
 
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