Control All Monster Girls Feedback

C

cottoneye

Virgin
So this took off way more than I thought it would and I want to make sure I'm not churning out crap.

Control All Monster Girls

A porn parody of the Middle-Earth: Shadow Games, though it doesn't have much in common with the work of Tolkien or WB Games beyond the general premise of "warrior and ghost sidekick mind control monsters to build their own army". I'm trying to focus more on comedy, because I think that's where my strengths lie, but I'm thinking of dialing it back.

Just tell me what you think and what you might like to see going forward. Don't hold back, I see CHYOA as a chance for me to improve my writing.

EDIT: Expanded original post and included link to the story.
 
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Two new chapters.

Bee-Girl's meant to be a worldbuilding chapter that can branch off in a bunch of directions. I thought using mind control to give a mind to someone without one would be a unique twist. Meanwhile, Medusa's more of a traditional hypnosis snippet, albeit in a weird, Pokemon-y context.

Ideas for future chapters/threads:

-An exploration of Tally's backstory. I'm a little worried that they're too bland to be a good protagonist, and expanding on what got them to this point seems like the logical fix.
-Orc girl. Thing is, I want her to be really important, in honor of the games that inspired this. I'm leaning towards a parody of the Nemesis System: Orc Girl is Tally's most persistent and dangerous foe, who gets more and more tsundere her them as time goes on. But in order to pull this off, I think I'd need a more serialized structure than what I've got now.

I feel like I'm feeling the story out, deciding what I want from it and what kind of writer I want to be.

Again, hit me with any critique you've got. Anyone wants to add their own threads or chapters, feel free to jump right in.
 
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