Elf/Orc love story

I'm sorry, but I can't.

Your idea is compelling, your characters well designed, and your setting rich and diverse...

MY GOD: the execution!

Simply put after the first chapter I have trouble believing anything that comes out of any of the character's mouths!

Let us start with Rienlest, a prince, potential heir to an Elven throne, schooled in the ways of courtly intrigue longer than either of us have been alive...

He has all the subtlety and suave of your average cinderblock.

If he truly thinks Broden a savage and oaf: if he, (as you have said elsewhere,) cannot see him as a rival: he will have no qualm in the world about letting him go forth to face Stephen the Serpent. Rather, he will encourage it. Let the savage die at the human's hands: let them take that outpost... As the noose tightens around Ethimilee's neck she will see things his way: and then, the crown is all but his...

That was as far as I got, not even two pages in before I said: "I'm sorry, but I can't."

Oh, and the spelling, and the grammar! GAH! Have you never heard of Grammarly? I've only been touting it to anyone and everyone for most of a year now...

Tell me when you've done some editing and I'll try again.
 
Nemo of Utopia said:
I'm sorry, but I can't.

Your idea is compelling, your characters well designed, and your setting rich and diverse...

MY GOD: the execution!

Simply put after the first chapter I have trouble believing anything that comes out of any of the character's mouths!

Let us start with Rienlest, a prince, potential heir to an Elven throne, schooled in the ways of courtly intrigue longer than either of us have been alive...

He has all the subtlety and suave of your average cinderblock.

If he truly thinks Broden a savage and oaf: if he, (as you have said elsewhere,) cannot see him as a rival: he will have no qualm in the world about letting him go forth to face Stephen the Serpent. Rather, he will encourage it. Let the savage die at the human's hands: let them take that outpost... As the noose tightens around Ethimilee's neck she will see things his way: and then, the crown is all but his...

That was as far as I got, not even two pages in before I said: "I'm sorry, but I can't."

Oh, and the spelling, and the grammar! GAH! Have you never heard of Grammarly? I've only been touting it to anyone and everyone for most of a year now...

Tell me when you've done some editing and I'll try again.
Click to expand...

Alright, fair enough. But i hope you at least took the time to notice that the two pages after the introduction were not written by me.

Granted i was just happy for interest in my new story, but i agree about the writing for the prince.

I had honestly wanted the war to be more of a background element with the reports coming in to be used as a means to push tension and Ethimilee's affection back and forth between the prince and Broden.

So how about this, I take some of the time i had planned to dedicate to Shadow Hunters and get a few additions out for this in an alternate second post more aligned with my original vision and you judge off of that?
 
Nemo of Utopia said:
Actually, I did notice that, but only after I posted.
Click to expand...

After a few posts by me and Thrakaboo, it seems this story is getting some love now.

What are your thoughts on the new path I started? Think I will go with a path that puts Ethimilee and Mitri as rivals for Broden.
 
To be honest I had a completely different chapter planned but every time I tried to write it just didn't seem right to me. So that one is mainly to add context to some of the things that happen in my next few chapters.
 
leroy said:
To be honest I had a completely different chapter planned but every time I tried to write it just didn't seem right to me. So that one is mainly to add context to some of the things that happen in my next few chapters.
Click to expand...

It is a good chapter. Like that the son isn't a total racist douche.
 
Finally managing to get some work done on this story. Working on a a split right now to show Ethimilee's side of the last few days that Broden has been going through. Though where his mostly featured at night, her stuff will be how she is going about her days. I don't know how many Broden/Ethimilee shippers we have, but the few pages done today will not make them happy... BUT at least it makes for good story!
 
There is a genre that has shown up in some comic manga recently. A nice civilized orc badgered constantly by an elf maiden who wants to have a relationship with him. Either lovey dovey, or rapey rapey, she is the antagonist while he is the befuddled straight man.
 
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