It can sort of depend on a bunch of stuff. I think that if you're really feeling worried and guilty about it, then it could be worth taking a step back for some amount of time, just to figure out exactly what you wanna do/to generally drop down the bad stuff you're feeling. I don't think it'd be a good idea to carry on like normal or just dismiss the feelings, since in pretty much all cases, pretending you aren't feeling something when you are feeling it is a bad idea. Even if it doesn't make sense to feel that way or it's embarrassing, at the end of the day it
is the way you're feeling, and you can't change that by pretending it isn't (assuming you do want it to be changed, like in this case).
If you're still really keen on writing some more, maybe experiment a bit with making it overly clear and unquestionable that the characters are really really enjoying it? That way, you still get to write the stuff you like, but there's less guilt about it because the characters wouldn't have it any other way. So, for example, instead of Queen Rachel fighting tooth and nail when the invading forces are tearing off her clothes n stuff, she's pretending to put up a fight but actually is super duper glad about it? If you're into humiliation, that could even be another angle to it -- "why am I letting down my people like this" sort of stuff. Or maybe she gets felt up by her guard Captain from behind podium in public, and she's cool with it because she's had a crush on that guard Captain for a while -- or just general stuff where the people involved are consenting and in love with each other, maybe. I'm super new to people getting turned on and to all of this smut terminology, so I'm not really sure of the exact parameters of what "torture" implies in this context (and therefore whether this still counts), but in general this sort of thing is only a solution if it still works for you in that way, and iunno how that'd work out.
Maybe if you're fully set on changing what's turning you on, and you can't think of ways of making it work by just changing the background stuff, you could "practice" by reading some of the softer lovey-er stories? Things like Somburliss'
Rainy Day. If you're wanting to change what makes you feel that way and changing the surrounding circumstance isn't enough/isn't working, just getting that taste for liking nicer stuff could be something that helps.
I wish I could help more, because I really want to, but so much of this is variable on precise circumstances and the person involved that it's hard to give any set advice. I think the best thing to do (if the above two don't work/don't appeal) is to take some time to think about what you want, and what you can do to get there. If writing certain things makes you feel bad or guilty, then you shouldn't write them, because those feelings suck tons -- if you can't find a solution or you're still in the process of finding a solution, writing a bit less or taking some time away from it all could be good for you. If you try take some time away and you don't like that either, that's fine too! Overall, the only advice I can give you that's concrete is to not try pretend that you aren't feeling the way you are. It's really easy in these sorts of situations to get the advice or think to yourself that the way you're feeling is wrong, and then end it there. That's definitely something to avoid, even if it's true -- if you're feeling bad in a situation where you should be feeling good, or where you should be feeling neutral, then it doesn't matter at all what you
should be feeling. All that matters if what you
are feeling. We've all got to play from the square we're on, and it's not helpful to act as though we're on the square we should be on when we're not.
I suppose that last part is more advice for anyone else who comes to read this, since you're probably already on the right track here considering you made this thread about it, but I still wanna emphasise how important it is for you too anyway. If something doesn't make sense, but it's still what's happening, then that second part is the part we gatta focus on.
I hope everything turns out well for you!
