For Queen And Country! (System & Character Creation)

Announcement: from now on any and all 'whispering' must be shared with the GM or there will be harsh IC punishment.

 

Aye, Commander.

 

Right, sorry about that.

 

Thanks for your cooperation everyone, as I am the physics engine for the multiverse in which the game happens keeping me out of the loop on anything that happens in game is dangerous. The reality engines have to know what's going on in all parts of the cosmos or things start breaking down and glitching...

 

The reality is we were all whispering dick jokes. Its always dick jokes.

 

The one universal constant: Dick Jokes.

 

Speaking of dick jokes I rolled a D20 for Keira's size. Got a 19. Dont know what bonuses I add to that but I can only guess it means big ol' donger.

 

I should do that, too!
*rolls a one*
Hmm... cuntboy? (Note to GM: I am not yet going to declare my character a cuntboy, and will most probably not do so).

 

Look man, at Damar's height, If I rolled a 20, that thing would be dragging on the ground. Lets find out!
17
So, three inches off the ground then?
Man, I have the weirdest luck.

 

Does 17 mean 17 inches? Wat...

 

Haven't you heard? The length of the dick is inversely proportional to the height of the person...

 

I was just trying to brag about my fictional characters dong, not start a seminar on dick philosophy and physics

​

 

So it increases in length the shorter the person? That might throw off the math I did.
Said math looks like this:
The average worldwide penis length is 4.5 inches, and the smallest penis ever measured came in at 0.39 inches. For simplicity's sake, lets say that the numbers go from 0.5 inches up, with 5 inches being average. Now, the average roll on a d20 is 10, so in this table, 10=5. This means that every roll below 10 would equate to itself divided by 2, meaning that if you were to roll, say, a 4, you would have a 2 inch penis. By the same logic, every number above 10 is equal to itself minus 5, and the remainder is then multiplied by 1.5. For example, if you were to roll an 11, your penis would be 9 inches long.

So, using that same math, I determined the penis sizes of the group so far:
SSlvark: 0.5 inches (Unless he wants to re-roll)
Damar: 18 inches
Keira: 22.5 inches.

 

No matter how you look at it thats too much dangle, might as well have three legs if shes packing nearly two feet of heat. Lets drop the multiplier and instead take the amount it goes over 10 and cut it in half and add 1 for a small person 2 for a medium person and 3 for a massive person. So that at most at a 19 you would be 11 1/2 inches at average human height. A nat 20 should just outright be a foots worth of dong as that matches anyone not 12 feet tall. This way we arent walking around tripping over massive balloon animals. Agreed?

(Unless you plan to use it as a weapon to beat people over the head with in combat.)

 

yeah, that would work better.
By that measure, we get:
Damar: 10.5 in
Keira: 12 in
Sslvark: 0.5 in

Yeah, The standard 20 point-scale conversion doesn't really work here, your system is better.

 

Now that the height varied die-to-cock scale is complete, we have to patent it and try to push it for the next edition of D&D. Come on wizards of the coast, time for some REAL roleplay.

(I need to get another job xD what the hell am I doing.)

 

How does it work? Because "take the amount it goes over 10 and cut it in half and add 1 for a small person 2 for a medium person and 3 for a massive person" seems to make a lot of small dicks. Why? Here's why.
Roll: 13. -10= 3. /2= 1.5. +2= 3.5.
Roll: 6. -10= -2. /2= -1. +2= 1.
Any roll of 1 or 2 will give an amount of zero or less, and even a 19 will only give...
Roll: 19. -10 = 4.5. /2=2.25. +2= 4.25
And this is assuming human-sized characters, it's worse for goblins or halflings. And even on dragons, it results in a max size of a foot... for a bus-sized mass of scales and fury. He's probably furious because he's so small.

And even if you don't go into the negatives for rolling under 10, that still means a 1 in 2 chance that your character's size will be decided based off the natural modifier alone.

 

I only changed the after 10 part of dastardly's system aside from the size modifier, so everything below a 10 would be: itself ÷ 2 + size mod.

Ex:

You are an average human and you roll a 9 so the size would be

(9/2) + 2 = 6.5 inches.

So from that if 10 = average of 5 inches, anything after is 5 inches + amount over 10/2 + size mod.

Ex:

Average human and you roll a 19

5 + ((9/2) + 2) = 11.5 inches


This system actually ends up with a higher average size than in the actual world, and there are no negatives meaning no inverse willies.

(So actually your character would wind up 2.5 inches if we assume a roll of 1 doesnt result in catastrophic failure. I.e. Micropenis.)

 

Thanks for explaining. Re-rolling gives me...
7. So 5.5 inches.
You know what? I'll just state my size when it comes up.

 

This whole system was built on a joke, you do you son.