Free Use Highschool

F

FreeUseIsHot

Virgin
I didn't actually mean to publish this early, or at all honestly, but I accidently clicked publish and now we're here I guess. I figured that as long as its out there, I should ask for feedback! Take a look here: https://chyoa.com/story/Free-Use-High-School.17883
Basically, it's a story about a high school student and his experiences in a free use world. Right now it only goes up through the car ride the car ride there, but I think that bit is plenty sexy, and again I didn't mean to publish so soon. I know everything so far has been incest, but that's not going to be the only thing happening.
I would really like feedback on anything, including grammar and execution. Something I feel I have an issue with is repetitiveness, so I would appreciate any comment on that. Tips on tagging would also be nice.
I also would like some suggestions concerning themes or plots. I have a bunch of ideas already, but I'd be more than happy to hear yours! I'm also kinda worried if I'm pushing the limit with the rules? If I am let me know and I'll stop.
 
Honest thoughts?

This is just me personally...but...

Does "rather attractive" and "blonde" belong in the same sentence, non-ironically?

But...this wouldn't be my thing for multiple reasons. None the less, I read every chapter to give it an honest look over, because I have no better use of my time, hence why I hang out here. For those who are going to chew me out, I wasn't particularly interested in it, just simply giving it a careful read to at least be fair about what I'm talking about.

And yeah...this kind of does start to push it a little towards the end, in a way of me trying to give this a fair read and non biased evaluation, but it probably is flirting with the line. Really, to me, anything involving vomit and kicking is probably a bit past that stage. But I don't carry authority on what can and can't be allowed so...this is all just my opinion which means little.
 
Auraicide said:
But...this wouldn't be my thing for multiple reasons
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Can you elaborate a bit on this? Is it anything with my writing itself, or is it just a personal thing?
I'll keep what you said about the violence in mind, I just figured it would be okay since I've seen similar stuff in popular stories before.
Thanks for the feedback, regardless.
 
FreeUseIsHot said:
Can you elaborate a bit on this? Is it anything with my writing itself, or is it just a personal thing?
I'll keep what you said about the violence in mind, I just figured it would be okay since I've seen similar stuff in popular stories before.
Click to expand...
Well, two things. I'm not a mod or an admin. I don't have control over acceptable content. Assuming that it's not pulled or reported, then it's probably within the guidelines. Though...there's been how many discussions about how lax the review process seems to be. I won't rehash it for the thousandth time.

The sole fact that I may not like everything about what a person says or writes, doesn't mean much of anything other than voicing how some, and I mean some, not all, readers may feel when taking a look at it.

And, I wouldn't say the writing itself exactly. It's just personal preference on my end.
 
I added a branching path to avoid the more violent bit and I'm working on another path where you go to your friend's house. I also have a draft about half way done going from the last chapter but I'm struggling because honestly it kinda feels uninteresting so far. I'd still appreciate feedback or suggestions if anyone has any to give.
 
Like when I first started, you have random commas where they shouldnt be. Also, don't be afraid to make longer sentences; and for god sakes, use paragraphs!

Funny enough, you dramatically improve after the opening chapter, so well done!

(I'd redo that first chapter though)
 
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