Split_Agony
Virgin
Long story short, I thought my story would get more traffic if it wasn't buried in another page of options.
Thanks for the feedback such as it is.
Thanks for the feedback such as it is.
Game Monster Discussion
- Thread starter Cantalope
- Start date
Nemo of Utopia
CHYOA Guru
Sorry for the short feedback, I was exhausted at that point, let me give a more thorough review.
1st: The abilities of the gem and so forth are a bit 'deus-ex-machina'. It's exactly what the character needs to break out of the situation he finds himself in with no real effort on his part, which bothers me. To quote a recent meme I saw on Facebook:
Boomers: "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."
Gen-X: "When life hands you lemons, create a startup to market lemon juice as a low-calorie alternative to lemonade."
Millennials: "Yeah right, as if life would ever just HAND YOU lemons..."
This is the perception of the up-and-coming segment of your audience, and violating that base understanding makes the story seem ridiculous and disingenuous.
2: You don't give the reader time to pause for breath, that's bad. I found several points in the story where the protagonist faced meaningful choices, does he go for the catacombs or try somewhere else? Does he mind control the hero, or try to 'kill her with kindness' and persuade her to his side? These and other examples are just steamrollered into these three and four-page chapters that leave me missing the "chose" part of "chose your own adventure" even if my only choice would have been "follow the existing path or write your own"... You could fix this with some judicious re-writing, a word document, and a lot of copy/paste.
3: Do you know what's NOT going to get you more exposure? Being the last, then eventually middle, item in a list of options three pages long. People hate scrolling, you note I wouldn't even review your chapter without a link. If people want NPC fodder out of that story they will stop at the magazine chapter " an NPC" and look no further, then, if they DO find yours later, be annoyed that it's not where it 'belongs'.
Hope that helps.
1st: The abilities of the gem and so forth are a bit 'deus-ex-machina'. It's exactly what the character needs to break out of the situation he finds himself in with no real effort on his part, which bothers me. To quote a recent meme I saw on Facebook:
Boomers: "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade."
Gen-X: "When life hands you lemons, create a startup to market lemon juice as a low-calorie alternative to lemonade."
Millennials: "Yeah right, as if life would ever just HAND YOU lemons..."
This is the perception of the up-and-coming segment of your audience, and violating that base understanding makes the story seem ridiculous and disingenuous.
2: You don't give the reader time to pause for breath, that's bad. I found several points in the story where the protagonist faced meaningful choices, does he go for the catacombs or try somewhere else? Does he mind control the hero, or try to 'kill her with kindness' and persuade her to his side? These and other examples are just steamrollered into these three and four-page chapters that leave me missing the "chose" part of "chose your own adventure" even if my only choice would have been "follow the existing path or write your own"... You could fix this with some judicious re-writing, a word document, and a lot of copy/paste.
3: Do you know what's NOT going to get you more exposure? Being the last, then eventually middle, item in a list of options three pages long. People hate scrolling, you note I wouldn't even review your chapter without a link. If people want NPC fodder out of that story they will stop at the magazine chapter " an NPC" and look no further, then, if they DO find yours later, be annoyed that it's not where it 'belongs'.
Hope that helps.
Split_Agony
Virgin
Hmmm. You've definitely given me some good food for thought, particularly with point #2. Much appreciated.
Once, life gave me dilemmas.
So I made di lemonade.
Once, life gave me dilemmas.
So I made di lemonade.
So i just wrote a part in the Morphworm path.
https://chyoa.com/chapter/The-Bandit-Camp.544545
Never done this before so i'd appreciate any feedback on it
https://chyoa.com/chapter/The-Bandit-Camp.544545
Never done this before so i'd appreciate any feedback on it
Nemo of Utopia
CHYOA Guru
Needs more description. What does the cave smell like? What color are the walls? How do the bandits look? Is your body cold in the cave? Do you hear any noises other than conversation? These details will really help sell it.
