Harry Potter and The Book of Forbidden Magic

Early on you need hook the reader with good bait or hook. Your story is good, in my opinion. Should have a young woman or older. The story about a device to find out about a person mentally. I think early on should have a female love interest, then proceed with the device story line. I didn't see much detail to their clothing.
 
Nympho Manic said:
. I didn't see much detail to their clothing.
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they are wearing black robes, though yeah I guess I should call it out at some point.
Nympho Manic said:
I think early on should have a female love interest
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I have 2 different branches, one where Hermione is the love interest one where it is a more harem situation with ginny, Hermione, and luna.

Nympho Manic said:
Early on you need hook the reader with good bait or hook.
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Not quite sure what you mean by that.
 
A hook is what a writer uses to draw the reader in, a problem to solve, a mystery to unravel, a question to answer, a joke.

Consider some of your source material, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. "Mr.and Mrs. Dursleys of number 4, Privet Drive, were proud to say they were perfectly normal, thank you very much."
Well, why are they proud to say they are normal? What is normal? Why does it matter if they're normal?

You establish that Harry has a problem, but you identify what it is immediately. If you lead the reader on a bit, they bite, you get them to the hook and reel them in.

Harry Potter had a problem. The toad's Inquisitorial Squad was a nuisance as usual. Snape was still giving Harry a hard time in the dungeons (probably not where you want to go with the story). On top of having to worry about Sirius cooped up at number 12, Grimmauld Place, Harry wasn't getting much sleep, and the visions were minor compared to Harry's other problem.
 
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