Looking for feedback on my first story (spa adventures)

[Vendetta19]

Hi all

I recently started writing my first story on this site, titled "A couple's day at the spa" (link).

It's still a work in progress, both on adding branches and implementing control logic, but I'd appreciate any feedback I can get, be it a comment, direct message or a reply on this threat.

Thank you in advance!

 

[Zeebop]

Well, you've got a good number of chapters and branches going, and they're all decent-sized chapters. The prose is fine, with better grammar and punctuation than average. Good descriptive passages; I'm personally not one for the "tendrils of pleasure spiraling through her being" style, but there are plenty of folks that do like that kind of description. Pacing seems solid, in that you don't "rush to the good stuff" too fast, but work to build up to sexy scenes.

So, pretty solid effort so far!

As far as recommendations go, you leave the question prompt at the end of chapters on the default "What's next?" most of the time, which is passable but doesn't really give any shape to the choices. If you're looking to engage the readers a little, presenting the question as a legit choice between different options can go a long way, or a suggestion as to which direction the story is going - even if a chapter only has one option branching off now, it might have multiple branches in the future.

You have game mode enabled but you don't seem to have made any use of it yet; which is pretty common for first-time stories.

 

[Vendetta19]

Hi Zeebob

Thank you for the feedback, I appreciate you taking the time for this. As for the recommendations, those are two very valid points. The game mode is included in the road map but I haven't considered using the question prompts to make the story more immersive. I'll take it into account!

 

[TheLowKing]

Your characters are doing a lot, but saying very little. In the initial introduction that's fine, no one would be served by the insertion of 3 chapters of John and Jane haggling with the person manning the counter, but later on, when you get to the meat of the story, it starts feeling a little strange that, for example, 3 people manage to navigate a threesome without exchanging a single word.

More generally speaking, dialogue offers a chance to provide insight in your characters' emotions, opinions, and desires without you having to spell them out explicitly in descriptions. It also breaks up the monotony of paragraph after paragraph of prose. (I don't mean to say your prose is monotonous! Just that switching back and forth between prose and dialogue helps keep readers engaged.)

 

[Hvast]

The story looks interesting and I'll dive into it later...

One thing I noticed right away:

If you don't want other people adding to your story make it private. If you DO want other people adding to your story, spend some time and write writer's guidelines.

 

[Vendetta19]

Your characters are doing a lot, but saying very little. In the initial introduction that's fine, no one would be served by the insertion of 3 chapters of John and Jane haggling with the person manning the counter, but later on, when you get to the meat of the story, it starts feeling a little strange that, for example, 3 people manage to navigate a threesome without exchanging a single word.

More generally speaking, dialogue offers a chance to provide insight in your characters' emotions, opinions, and desires without you having to spell them out explicitly in descriptions. It also breaks up the monotony of paragraph after paragraph of prose. (I don't mean to say your prose is monotonous! Just that switching back and forth between prose and dialogue helps keep readers engaged.)

I've been struggling with this thought in the past. I started writing my story as a novel, focusing on the actions and less on verbal interactions. Upon rereading my own chapters, I've noticed the same as you just pointed out.

I might give it a go with baby steps!

 

[Vendetta19]

The story looks interesting and I'll dive into it later...

One thing I noticed right away:

If you don't want other people adding to your story make it private. If you DO want other people adding to your story, spend some time and write writer's guidelines.

In all honestly, I just selected the moderated option while creating the story without giving it much thought. I'd certainly welcome other people adding new content, so I'll work on the guidelines to get them publishes. Thanks for the tip!