Looking for some critique and feedback on a story I'm developing.

[Someguy212]

Hi there.
I've contributed a small number of branches to other peoples stories in the past and after a bit of a hiatus I've got the bug to start writing again.

My idea is more of a compilation of stories based around a reality warping/altering website that people can use once to live out a fantasy. Ive named it www.Fantasy-Granted.com (I accidentally mispelt the name when I created it too - www.Fatansy-Granted.com - Whoops. Is there any way I can fix that or do I have to start it again?)

I have started writing the first chapter of my first story branch - it's centered around a mature (42), divorced New York socialite, who is wanting to cast aside her fears about social status and reputation, and become a shameless public exhibitionist. I'm using olive glass as inspiration for the main character, who embraces being a sexual being, she is a slut, but is monogamous and not into swinging/cheating/multiple male partners - believing in giving her all to one. The reason for her divorce was her husband wanted her to become a hotwife and I ultimately plan to have her experience becoming a cuckquean later in the story as a result of the reality she created, where she experiences what her ex husband possibly wanted to experience with her - increased desire for something that you see desired by others, this being my character development/progression.

The male lead is a rugged, blue collar boytoy (25) on a harley with a boston accent (I plan to have Boston become his nickname), that she creates/alters with unrealistic abilities - super stamina, big dick, excessive cum, no refractory period just to name a few. Ultimately he becomes the center of the story as the complication, she has created something extremely desired by others and is openly flaunting it, therefore creating problems - kidnapping, poaching, seductions etc. The primary story has her solve the problem by sharing him - cuckquean - through parties at her nightclubs and private events (dancing bear and club orgy inspired scenes but with only one male stripper).

I am looking for authors and readers to critique the work I submit to this thread to assist me getting this story written to a high degree. I have already rewritten the first chapter 4 times in 2 days and am now happy with how the scene flows. My main goal is to create stories of decent to high quality.

The story will be moderated so others may submit their own stories if they wish but I'm not going to be publishing until I have the first five chapters done.

So, with that out of the way, I will submit for you to scrutinize my first chapter which introduces my leading characters fantasy in general, and some of the positives and negatives that she will alter to live out HER FANTASY.

Thanks for your time and happy reading,
Someguy212 - A man with many kinks

 

[Someguy212]

Here is my first chapter for scrutinizing, any and all feedback is welcome.

Jane was exiting her taxi, returning home from dinner with friends at Black Ubu's, New York's hottest new restaurant to open this month, when she was assaulted by a cacophony of loud cheering, moaning and grunting. A few cars up the street from where she stood, a group of roughly a dozen Friday night party goers where fanned out encircling a parked car; on top of which a shirtless man knelt behind a young woman on all fours, her large breasts swinging beneath her.

It was obvious what they were doing.

The man held tightly onto the woman's hips and Jane could see him gritting his teeth as he rocked his hips backwards and forwards in a strong steady rhythm. The young lady under him loudly spewing forth an intoxicating melody of moans to his rhythmic pounding, her unfocused eyes conveying the fact she was drowning in pleasure.

Jane stood shakily, transfixed on the debauchery that was being exhibited before her.

The crowd around the car cheered them on, a mix of taunts, jeers, encouragement and instructions that seemed to feed the couples carnal display.

Some filmed.

Others laughed and pointed.

She could see her buildings two doormen amongst the intoxicated onlookers, attempting to reason with the wild, sweaty animals, practically pleading with them to stop there erotic display.

The wailing of approaching sirens broke Jane free from her trance.

Looking back over her shoulder, she spotted a large NY Police SUV swiftly sweep around the corner and come to a stop next to the car.

She walked shakily toward the door of her building, still watching the incredible scene unfold. The Police were shouting at the couple to stop and climb down, but they simply ignored the commands and continued to fuck with abandon to the gleeful cries of their audience.

With a final glance at the chaotic party behind her, Jane opens the door and making her way into the elevator.

Jane let's out a deep breath as the elevator doors slide silently closed. Her body whole body trembling as she swallowed and fought her thoughts to focus on controlling her breathing.

Her loins were burning with a raging heat beneath her black, backless cocktail dress that she was desperate to tend to. She had just witnessed that young couple acting out one of her most desired fantasies.

 

[catfish27]

Below is a quick edit for grammar, spelling, and whatnot. There are two additional things to think about that I didn't really change:

1. You say they're having sex "on top of the car," with the man kneeling behind the woman who's on all fours -- do you mean they're on the roof of the car? How big is the car that they both fit in that position? (A woman on all fours would take up a fair amount of room.) How, and/or why, did they both climb all the way up there? (Even on a relatively small car, I think you'd have to start by climbing onto the trunk or hood and going from there.) Maybe consider something like the woman on all fours on the trunk, and the man standing next to/behind the car.

2. You say as Jane is walking toward the door of her building, she's "still watching the incredible scene unfold" -- she'd have to be walking backward in order to be "still watching." Maybe instead say that she's taking furtive glances over her shoulder? That seems like it would be a bit more consistent with her character, the way you described her in your first post.


Jane was returning home from dinner with friends at Black Ubu's, New York's hottest new restaurant this month. As she exited her taxi, she was assaulted by a cacophony of loud cheering, moaning and grunting. A few cars up the street from where she stood, a group of roughly a dozen Friday night partygoers where fanned out encircling a parked car. On top of the car, a shirtless man knelt behind a young woman on all fours, her large breasts swinging beneath her.

It was obvious what they were doing.

The man held tightly onto the woman's hips, and Jane could see him gritting his teeth as he rocked his hips backwards and forwards in a strong steady rhythm. The young lady under him loudly spewed forth an intoxicating melody of moans to his rhythmic pounding, her unfocused eyes conveying the fact she was drowning in pleasure.

Jane stood shakily, transfixed by the debauchery that was being exhibited before her.

The crowd around the car cheered with a mix of taunts, jeers, encouragement, and instructions that seemed to feed the couple's carnal display.

Some filmed.

Others laughed and pointed.

She could see her building's two doormen amongst the intoxicated onlookers, attempting to reason with the wild, sweaty animals, practically pleading with them to stop their erotic display.

The wailing of approaching sirens broke Jane free from her trance.

Looking back over her shoulder, she spotted a large NYPD SUV swiftly sweep around the corner and come to a stop next to the car.

She walked shakily toward the door of her building, still watching the incredible scene unfold. The police were shouting at the couple to stop and climb down, but they simply ignored the commands and continued to fuck with abandon to the gleeful cries of their audience.

With a final glance at the chaotic party behind her, Jane opened the door and made her way through the lobby and into the elevator.

Jane let out a deep breath as the elevator doors slid silently closed. Her whole body trembled as she swallowed, fighting her thoughts and focusing on controlling her breathing.

Her loins were burning with a raging heat that she was desperate to tend to beneath her black, backless cocktail dress. She had just witnessed that young couple acting out one of her most desired fantasies.