Lustful Valhalla

[RejectTed]

Lustful Valhalla is a fun little about warrior women across time and space living in a challenge-filled and sexual-themed afterlife that may just be an amusement park for rich folks. The story has skimpy outfits, embarrassing loss of those skimpy outfits, bondage, catfighting, naked catfighting, and even some plain & simple women loving each other. The chapters for the branch I'm currently focusing on have an archaic feel, but I hope its still readable. If there's anything you want me to clarify let me know.

I've written a lot of chapters for this site, but this is my first story. Also, I've been working on it off and on for quite a while, so there might be some minor inconsistencies. Please, let me know if you see any problems or have any suggestions.

 

[Dissonant Soundtrack]

It's definitely a fantastic premise and there are some hot scene setups. The "killer women across history" gives you a lot of ground to work with and things to play off. I am not sure about the disconnect between the Intro and the rest of the story though. The intro presented as an action cold open is a good idea, but it doesn't tell us enough about the Valhalla setup and then you immediately switch perspectives to a totally new character. I would re-writing the intro as Liz's perspective if that's the main protagonist or expanding the worldbuilding there. The pirate talk doesn't do it for me either, personally.

 

[RejectTed]

I'm glad you like the premise; I hope I can deliver.

Thanks for your perspective on the introduction. I originally had the story start with Liz waking up but it felt a bit slow and I wanted to be able to add other characters. But I see now how jarring it is to switch characters like that, and it doesn't do much. I still think I'll add a branch with another character at some point, so I won't change it to be from Liz's perspective, but I like the idea of worldbuilding with it. What questions do you think I should answer in the introduction?

The pirate talk doesn't do it for me either, personally.

Fair, I figured that be a deal breaker for some people, but it's actually a lot of fun to write, and I figure with the amount of people on Chyoa somebody else will like it.