Merit of a plotwist

Warden-Yarn15

Warden-Yarn15

Really Really Experienced
Hey, my first post asking people to review my stuff, even with my crippling low self-esteem.

But I suppose it's a bad idea to ask just how terribly executed this plot twist is, when you all know it's coming because I'm asking if it works or not.

If you're still interested and care to tell me about the merit of what's to come, here's the story in question:

Beginning of an End.

Hope that you folks have some enjoyment out of it somehow.

P.S. if you're hoping for porn, I'm sorry, I tried to finish the story first before the alternative paths to take because I was afraid I'd lose motivation to end the story to begin wtih.
 
The writing isn't bad! I'm not sure if much more could be done with a time loop in this context, unless you include alternate paths to break out of it. If it was a game mode story you could have a variable that let different things happen, but here it's the same thing on repeat with no options. It's not too terrible of a twist, but it does feel a bit incomplete as we never get any idea of who trapped her in the time loop or why, and the business with the tongues doesn't feel very "bad end" - it's not like she's being raped over and over for eternity.
 
I decided to just write down my thoughts as they crossed my mind while reading this.
Page 4: "I don't know that any of this could be called a plot twist... So far, this just seems like a pretty straightforward plot. I'm intrigued, and I like the flowery prose. But I don't see the twist. Oh, wait. There's more."
Page 5: "Okay. So the fungus stole her shoes. I'm too lazy to google the word Verdant to find sneaky double-meanings, but since the MC doesn't get it either, I'm going to write the first clue off as irony, at most. Not a deliberate plot twist."
Page 6: "Tongues. Oh, okay. I get it. The floor stole her shoes, and now she has to walk on tongues. That still feels pretty straightforward for a fetish plot... and then the monster emerges and captures her. Yeah, I hate to say it, but this is just straightforward plot. Practically a trope, even. I'm actually more curious about why anyone would use this much magic to create a... ohhhhhhhhh... goddammit, she's still asleep isn't she. If the plot twist is that she's still asleep, I am going to be so annoyed unless it really turns the story on its head somehow..."
Page 7: "Wait. She's a Night Elf? Why does she have such a Human name? Who's doing this to her? Are we talkin' Drow or World of Warcraft? Who am I kidding? Drow would have finished the job. Uh... moonlight. Something about darkness... I don't remember the riddle. That's where the flowery prose gets in the way-- it's basically lowkey obfuscation, which makes it the opposite of a mnemonic device for the reader. But, since the MC crumpled up the note and doesn't remember it, I assume this frame of mind is where the author wants me. Maybe there's bonus irony for the lucky readers with photographic memory? "How she was named." Not sure if that's referencing the fact that she's a Night Elf with a Human name or the fact that the note named her. That's less of a plot twist, more ambiguity, deliberate or otherwise. Only decent plot twist I can think might be building up right now is if she trapped herself in the cave and erased her memory, but I'm not really sure why she would choose to do that."
Page 4: "God fucking dammit." Well played, sir.
Page 7: "Wait. Maybe the loop wasn't the twist. Is he using variables to keep track of how many loops? Full Moon again. Technically, that's 2 phases of the moon, not 8. Unless... wait, did I need to start on Page 1 and click Start Game in order to get the full Groundhog's Day experience? If so, then the plot twist is clearly that the author shouldn't have linked us to Page 4. In Media Res and linear programming languages don't mix.
 
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CurvyLinesEverywhere said:
Only decent plot twist I can think might be building up right now is if she trapped herself in the cave and erased her memory, but I'm not really sure why she would choose to do that."
Click to expand...

This... this was the twist I had in mind when first writing this.

I remembered Amnesia: Justine, and ripped that out honestly. I did write in her character profile that her race did like to play tricks, and at the back of my mind, the whole plot was: "Girl pulls up the best prank on herself."

I must admit though, your entire review, while helpful, seems to think that I'm smarter than what I'm actually am if I was to be honest.
 
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