Naive And Erotic Roommates

[BBBlooster]

Hey all, I’ve finally decided to make a thread asking for feedback on my story.
https://chyoa.com/story/Naive-And-Erotic-Roommates.26064
Im a super inexperienced writer, and before i began this story i had never really written by choice before i must admit, But I’ve been really enjoying it! and i hope to improve on some things. For one, I'm worried in some places i may be a bit to description and exposition heavy, especially the first couple chapters, honestly, I’ve had half a thought to rewrite them entirely, they have some formatting issues, and i fear they could be a serious Turn off for someone interested in reading. Additionally, as much as i enjoy writing the slow burn, I imagine it could be frustrating for someone reading, i plan on soon introducing a girlfriend for the main character that should expedite some sexy content.
In any case, If someone would like to give it a read through I’d be very appreciative of any feedback i can get!

 

[brevdravis]

First off... Almost everybody hates "John Doe" as the default, nearly anything's better than that, because reading that just puts me right out of the story. Just a personal opinion of course.

The characters seem well thought out though, and your John Doe Does have a personality, which is always nice to see, especially if the personality is VERY different from what I would have written. I almost feel bad for these hapless cuties, because you've told us exactly what our perverted hero has in mind. Very fun, and running with this kind of almost "Stainless steel rat' style hero might be fun. One hopes he'll realize that there might be a few consequences to getting with devout girls who are pretty naive, but I'm sure that's a plotline to be developed. ;P

Overall, for a first effort, GOOD work. I would suggest that if you see errors that you're uncomfortable with, it's perfectly fine to edit the chapter and change it. The best way to judge if a story needs rewriting is to frankly either get a text to speech reader, or read it out loud yourself. Either way it'll help you determine what you think needs work, and that's IMHO the best way to edit.

No worries on the slow burn... I took a hundred and thirty chapters to get to a sex scene one time. If you read and like it, the readers will come. Pun intended. So, Great work for a first attempt, and KEEP WRITING!!!! God only knows where we'd be without New writers!

 

[insertnamehere]

I echo the above comment regarding the default name. Replace John Doe with, I don't know, John Smith. It's still better.

The story's premise and writing quality were enough to earn a favourite from me when I saw it back when it was first posted, so there's that. The grammar and punctuation has a few issues that might be resolved with an attentive proofread. As for the amount of exposition, I'm perfectly fine with it. The fact that yours has more description than most stories doesn't matter - many CHYOA stories don't have nearly enough actual content to them. You should not aim for an 'average' story.

I really like your characters. You demonstrate a competent level of writing and an acceptable level of nuance when it comes to both their personalities and physical appearances. You could have simply made them soulless bags of meat with big tits, big asses and big dicks attached, but you chose not to. For example - the description of the protagonist. You explain that he is above average in sexual proficiency without making him out to be an irresistable devil with a ridiculously enormous phallus. It's this particular skill that elevates your work above others of its ilk, in my opinion.