thanks I've fixed some stuff in the story and focused in on a character BUT overall the world is still an open one due to writers preference
Nothing wrong with leaving the world somewhat open. If I have any advice, don't be afraid to put your foot down if you feel someone is making their character too powerful too early. If this story is about a character rising up the ranks, then they need to struggle to begin with.
Second, you seriously need to get Grammarly:
https://app.grammarly.com/ Your work has numerous small errors and missing capital letters. These kinds of errors are easy to make and as I said before, my work would also have (more) issues if I didn't use Grammarly.
A lack of speech marks makes some your work rather confusing to read. For example this paragraph from your chapter
Jacob, human noble, magic
The man raises his eyebrows as he heres this and you are unsure of what he is thinking mainly because you have never been in this sort of situation before. The man looks at you and says: since it is such a common request, and because you already have some profiency with magic that you are unaware of the magic I will bestow on you will merely be a random gift but I will allow you the ability of choosing your station: be forewarned though once you enter your new position you will have the burdens of that persons life as you are reborn as them he smiles oh yes you will be reborn as a whole new person with knowledge of your prevous life, now let us choose a station he waves his hand and a row of papers appear:
Should read:
The man raises his eyebrows as he hears this. Jacob is unsure of what he is thinking, or exactly what the hell is going on. The man looks at him and says "Since it is such a common request, and because you already have some proficiency with magic that you are unaware of the magic I will bestow on you will merely be a random gift but I will allow you the ability of your choosing your station. Be forewarned, once you enter your new position you will have the burdens of that person's life as you are reborn as them he smiles oh yes you will be reborn as a whole new person with knowledge of your previous life, now let us choose a station." He waves his hand and a row of papers appear:
Personally, I'd also limit what position a reader can pick as much as possible, considering that, to my understanding, the objective of your story is for the protagonist to climb the ranks. In my mind, Knight/Viscount should be the maximum a character can start at.
I find a lot of your sentences seem to run on and are rather long. You'll notice in that edit of your paragraph that I split the sentence the man says in half. Sometimes I think you might actually be missing full stops, which admittedly makes reading certain paragraphs rather awkward.
As for character descriptions, they feel a bit 'police line-up'. This is an error a lot of writers fall into. Let's take your description of Jacob's new form in Chapter 4:
'As jacob finds his room and enters what appears to be not a stately room like the rest of the house it appears to be quite built for function
As jacob undresses he notices one luxury in the corner: a mirror what he sees there pleases him. He appears to be at least 6’0ft tall, well built, has black hair and grey eyes and a 12 inch dick'
First, the paragraph and sentence before started with the same words: As Jacob. I also see no need to start a new paragraph at this point. I'd put a full stop at the end of 'function', and then start the next sentence with just 'Jacob'. There also should be a full stop after mirror. That said, I like that you called the mirror a luxury. This is good world building as it informs us, the reader, that mirrors are not common in Midnick. I also would say that looking into a mirror is a great way to get a character description in.
Rather than say 'what he sees there pleases him.' I would start with the character description. Jacob undresses, noticing one luxury: a mirror. In it, he sees character description.
As for the description itself, as I said it comes across as rather police line-up. For example, 6 feet might be tall to you, but that would be below my height. It's also pretty exact considering this character doesn't have a ruler on hand. If you were to use a word such as 'towering', no matter what my height technically is, I have a preception this character is tall. Next, I'd replace well built with the word 'adonis' (
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Adonis). The phrase 'towering adonis' tells me a lot about this character with only two words. He is tall, fit, and handsome. Black hair and grey eyes are fine. Now, onto the 12-inch cock. Again, does our character have a ruler to confirm the length? I'm also assuming he's not currently aroused, so he's going to be absolutely massive when he gets hard. Rather than 12-inch, I'd use a word such as 'impressive', 'huge', 'massive' etc.
So, overall, I'd recommend you change the description to this: In it, he sees a towering adonis with black hair, grey eyes, and an impressive cock. (You are more than free to use this btw).
The big take away is to avoid terms such as '6'4', 'b-cup sized breasts'. I've never looked at a woman and thought "She's exactly 5'6 with DD sized-bra'. Instead, I'd think 'She's about average height, but she's got huge tits'
I think this is enough for now.
Finally, please don't get discouraged just because your writing needs work. We all have to start somewhere and just about everyone here has made similar/the same errors you have. I'm not doing this to be mean, but to help you improve on a concept that I believe has a lot of potential if fully realized.
