Redwater

[UF]

Hey guys thought I would create a thread here to get some feedback on my story Redwater, a story
set in the fictional town of Redwater as we follow Peter Grayson and his friends as they attend Redwater University where they will make new friends, relationships, hook ups and strengthen their bonds all the while trying to maintain their grades. I will have also posted the link to the story so please let me know if there is anything you want to see or to discuss any ideas you might have.

https://chyoa.com/chapter/Introduction.484828

 

[AlphaSpiritNY]

I like the storyline you have that goes further , the "chronicles". However, just as a first impression, it was disconcerting to click on the first four options (after character list) and go straight to a dead-end. Not sure if it is an option or not, but you should probably try to delete those threads, which may very likely dissuade a reader from reaching the "chronicles" storyline (which should really be renamed to something more reader-friendly / something that feels like the reader is making a choice).

Last, but on the same subject, your 'chapter end prompts' involve multiple questions. Usually, they are things like 'what about Jerome? What about Zara? What about___?" but the actual chapter link is always something like 'the next morning' or 'new relationships'. Looking at the option after finishing a chapter, I honestly had zero clue if the link I was clicking on had anything to do with the next chapter prompt/question.

The writing is good. You have some likable characters and the sex is good. You have a nice blend of description and dialogue, too. But I think it's got to more adapted to the site's format, make it feel more 'user-friendly' in ways like the prompts matching the next chapter titles.

 

[UF]

I like the storyline you have that goes further , the "chronicles". However, just as a first impression, it was disconcerting to click on the first four options (after character list) and go straight to a dead-end. Not sure if it is an option or not, but you should probably try to delete those threads, which may very likely dissuade a reader from reaching the "chronicles" storyline (which should really be renamed to something more reader-friendly / something that feels like the reader is making a choice).

Last, but on the same subject, your 'chapter end prompts' involve multiple questions. Usually, they are things like 'what about Jerome? What about Zara? What about___?" but the actual chapter link is always something like 'the next morning' or 'new relationships'. Looking at the option after finishing a chapter, I honestly had zero clue if the link I was clicking on had anything to do with the next chapter prompt/question.

The writing is good. You have some likable characters and the sex is good. You have a nice blend of description and dialogue, too. But I think it's got to more adapted to the site's format, make it feel more 'user-friendly' in ways like the prompts matching the next chapter titles.

Hey thanks for the comment. To answer your concerns I am in the process of updating some of the other chapters so there is more depth and development on the story and I will try to make the first couple of chapters a priority to update.

As for the chronicles that is my main storyline and why those characters were created in the first place hence why I tried to give it a more story title.

As for the questions and chapter titles, I'll admit I'm not a huge fan of them, hence why you feel that way but as a writer I will try and put that aside and make more an effort.

 

[Duskford]

I really like Peter's journey in the main thread, the way he overcomes all the obstacles while dealing with his friends and fucking every girl in his path, lol. I loved the little crossover with my story when he went to visit Heather in Azure Rocks. The alternate threads are great as well, I'd highlight three: the one where Peter wakes up in a new dimension, the one where Britanney wants to finds girls for Peter to screw, and that one with the cheerleaders performing sexual favors to get stuff.

As for pairings, I'd love to see more of Peter/Ciara in the main thread, maybe they could date for a while before the story ends, but I wouldn't say no to it happening in the alternate threads as well. Sara getting even closer to her boyfriend in the main thread would be awesome as well, even if it seems like they're heading for a break up. Asa and Hollie having threesomes with Peter and Sara would also be really fun, I suspect; and somehow, I think the idea of Sara being gangbanged sounds really hot.

 

[UF]

I really like Peter's journey in the main thread, the way he overcomes all the obstacles while dealing with his friends and fucking every girl in his path, lol. I loved the little crossover with my story when he went to visit Heather in Azure Rocks. The alternate threads are great as well, I'd highlight three: the one where Peter wakes up in a new dimension, the one where Britanney wants to finds girls for Peter to screw, and that one with the cheerleaders performing sexual favors to get stuff.

As for pairings, I'd love to see more of Peter/Ciara in the main thread, maybe they could date for a while before the story ends, but I wouldn't say no to it happening in the alternate threads as well. Sara getting even closer to her boyfriend in the main thread would be awesome as well, even if it seems like they're heading for a break up. Asa and Hollie having threesomes with Peter and Sara would also be really fun, I suspect; and somehow, I think the idea of Sara being gangbanged sounds really hot.

Thanks, I'm enjoying my main storyline too and for my crossover and little teases they will start to occur more frequently in the future though I try to let it happen more naturally and not force the scene.

The three threads you mentioned are threads I'm looking forward to updating in the future. As for any more Peter/Ciara I've got the rest of the main storyline mapped out so you'll have to see. As for Peter and Sara having some fun with Asa and Hollie that's a scene I've had in mind since the characters inception so it'll be in there. As for a Sara gang bang I think that's an idea that'll work best in the cheerleader story.