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Nothingbutthebuttman
Guest
Hey guys, i wished me some Support for my Story! who wants to give me Feedback or shares ideas, or even wants to add a chapter? Greetings
Nemo of Utopia
CHYOA Guru
Link?
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Nothingbutthebuttman
Guest
Nemo of Utopia
CHYOA Guru
All the nope: just from reading the first few lines I'm going "Non-con and potential pedo? BYE!"
Loeman
Really Really Experienced
THE GOOD -
Your introductory page has some mistakes, but is a reasonable setup and good effort.
The idea of a young, innocent girl (woman) being taken advantage of by a camera has obvious appeal. Its not new, but can be delightfully executed, and your story has enough at the intro and by user contributions to be the start of something interesting.
I'd advise having Eli retain her shyness and unwillingness - It's her most appealing quality and if she becomes wanton and slutty the story will (likely) lose the appeal it promises.
THE BAD -
I'm a little turned off by how you broke the fourth wall in Ass Cherry First, what should have been delving into her shame - it could have been interesting, that she wished to protect her vaginal virginity even at the cost of pain and degradation. Instead there's only a strange sense of blame and entitlement, that it should be others writing *your* story and fantasizing *your* fantasies for you - especially annoying since you were lucky enough to have Kestrel advance your story nicely.
Not everyone gets *any* contribution. You haven't created any solid erotic (not even sex - just erotic) chapters with your author stamp.
If you want to write erotica that's great - but I haven't seen you do it yet in this story.
Also, while your intro shows solid effort in writing in your second (third/fourth/?) language, your writing deteriorates significantly in the chapters you've placed afterwards. You need at least passable grammar and word usage or it's a distraction.
It's not easy, I have no doubt, but if you're putting writing out there you have to try harder and be more capable.
THE TROLL -
Might as well simply ignore it. I, for one, enjoy a little healthy trolling and warring, but mod Kaitou has a tight rein on that shit so it's really just best to ignore Nemo at times like this.
Your introductory page has some mistakes, but is a reasonable setup and good effort.
The idea of a young, innocent girl (woman) being taken advantage of by a camera has obvious appeal. Its not new, but can be delightfully executed, and your story has enough at the intro and by user contributions to be the start of something interesting.
I'd advise having Eli retain her shyness and unwillingness - It's her most appealing quality and if she becomes wanton and slutty the story will (likely) lose the appeal it promises.
THE BAD -
I'm a little turned off by how you broke the fourth wall in Ass Cherry First, what should have been delving into her shame - it could have been interesting, that she wished to protect her vaginal virginity even at the cost of pain and degradation. Instead there's only a strange sense of blame and entitlement, that it should be others writing *your* story and fantasizing *your* fantasies for you - especially annoying since you were lucky enough to have Kestrel advance your story nicely.
Not everyone gets *any* contribution. You haven't created any solid erotic (not even sex - just erotic) chapters with your author stamp.
If you want to write erotica that's great - but I haven't seen you do it yet in this story.
Also, while your intro shows solid effort in writing in your second (third/fourth/?) language, your writing deteriorates significantly in the chapters you've placed afterwards. You need at least passable grammar and word usage or it's a distraction.
It's not easy, I have no doubt, but if you're putting writing out there you have to try harder and be more capable.
THE TROLL -
Might as well simply ignore it. I, for one, enjoy a little healthy trolling and warring, but mod Kaitou has a tight rein on that shit so it's really just best to ignore Nemo at times like this.
Last edited:
Kaitou1412
Moderator
Another one of those days, I see.
Off-topics have been removed. Nemo of Utopia's initial posts are preserved since they are both legitimate. It may not be a constructive criticism, but getting that person who bases everything on their own tastes is the risk we run in life. Additionally, Eli's age wasn't established anywhere in the introduction, and while we are supposed to give the benefit of the doubt to users, the description of the photographer makes that difficult and thereby justifies "potential pedo" when we bear in mind hebephiles, ephebophiles, and infantophiles are all grouped in with pedophiles due to the overlap of methods.
Also of note, people who call others "idiots" and then turn around to report a disliked but non-offensive opinion don't have any ground to complain about their posts being deleted.
GenericEditor168, Nemo of Utopia, and Auracide, if any of you wish to continue the debate, please make a separate topic. If so, I can recover your posts on the matter if you would like, I'll just need a message. I wouldn't do this normally, but given that this was a decent debate that focused on actual issues, I do feel bad about deleting it.
I'm right there with you. I don't mind a healthy debate, and I'm willing to overlook tangents, but only if we comport ourselves with decorum. And frankly, had that been the case here, I'd have ignored the report. Instead, I'm greeted to a gutter war. I'm not ignoring ad hominem.
Focus should now be entirely on reviewing The Agency. I will accept no tangents off of my post in this topic.
Off-topics have been removed. Nemo of Utopia's initial posts are preserved since they are both legitimate. It may not be a constructive criticism, but getting that person who bases everything on their own tastes is the risk we run in life. Additionally, Eli's age wasn't established anywhere in the introduction, and while we are supposed to give the benefit of the doubt to users, the description of the photographer makes that difficult and thereby justifies "potential pedo" when we bear in mind hebephiles, ephebophiles, and infantophiles are all grouped in with pedophiles due to the overlap of methods.
Also of note, people who call others "idiots" and then turn around to report a disliked but non-offensive opinion don't have any ground to complain about their posts being deleted.
GenericEditor168, Nemo of Utopia, and Auracide, if any of you wish to continue the debate, please make a separate topic. If so, I can recover your posts on the matter if you would like, I'll just need a message. I wouldn't do this normally, but given that this was a decent debate that focused on actual issues, I do feel bad about deleting it.
I'm right there with you. I don't mind a healthy debate, and I'm willing to overlook tangents, but only if we comport ourselves with decorum. And frankly, had that been the case here, I'd have ignored the report. Instead, I'm greeted to a gutter war. I'm not ignoring ad hominem.
Focus should now be entirely on reviewing The Agency. I will accept no tangents off of my post in this topic.